BPD wife, moving forward and being happy

[bpdcarer]

Hi,

I am a mid 40s male, married for 16 years with 3 kids (11-15 years). My wife has undiagnosed BPD and refuses to get help. She doesn't know she has BPD but she checks all the boxes and 3 separate psychs (that I have seen alone) have told me that is what I'm dealing with.

I'm at the stage where I need to make some serious decisions. She is pretty much out of control now and the abuse toward me and the kids is becoming too much. And it’s having long term effects on them,

I’ve begged her to see someone for help but she refuses and doesn’t think psychologists help anyone. So I have gone by myself to get some answers.

Her outlet is drinking which she does daily, she drinks excessively and is extremely aggressive, abusive and volatile. She cycles very rapidly and at times will often (3-4 times a year) just up and leave the home, threatening to harm herself for a night or two. While myself and the kids are left at home not knowing if she is actually going to go ahead with what she told us.

She has no friends (because no friend can live up to her expectations, the moment they change a plan or do something she isn’t prepared for, she will cull them), she has started now to remove her family (siblings) from her life because she believes they are toxic and they can be (they likely have BPD too, from what I’ve seen).

We (the kids and I) walk on eggshells daily, doing our best to not say, do something to upset her. The smallest thing (spilling some milk on the kitchen bench) will set her off. Not a day goes by without yelling and abusive behavior.

She is rude to pretty much everyone, no respect for anyone (even the elderly) and goes around like she is entitled and above everyone else.

I’m lost and I have no idea what to do next. I want to leave and find happiness but I cannot leave the kids with her as she is not stable enough.I truly don’t trust her with them and the kids have mentioned to me they don’t want to be alone with her.

I have a diary from the past 3-4 years of all the episodes we have experienced and it’s not pretty. I’m so sad that the woman I loved and married can be so horrible to us.

What do I do? I have done so much research on this disorder, I understand that she is not in control and doesn’t mean the horrible things she says, but how can the kids understand that? I do still love her and I wish her to get better but I cannot live like this anymore.

Is leaving the only option? I know this will trigger her really bad and I don’t even know how to bring it up.

[Croix]

Dear BPDCarer~

Welcome here to the Forum, I hope it can give you some ideas from others.

I've very sorry to hear of the state of your marriage at least during the last 4 years, and maybe before.  Irrespective of any formal diagnosis or label frankly it sounds an unlivable situation, partly for the harm and stress it is doing to you, but also the upset and terrible example your children are getting.

I would think it is a thoroughly miserable life for your wife too, even if it is of her own making.

To find that yelling and being abusive is normal behavior in reaction to the most trivial of things is something nobody would want their children to learn, as is the abandoning of friends for small matters

While I have no direct experience of BPD I do believe that nowadays there is assistance for that  condition. I know you have tried to get your wife to seek help wihtout success, however if you are on the point of leaving could that be enough of a lever to induce here to be tested and started on medical help?

Croix

[therising]

Hi bpdcarer

When I read your post I couldn't help but feel so stressed for you. This sounds like a torturous situation for you and the kids. My heart truly goes out to you.

While BPD could be a possibility, one thing is a fact and that is it's almost impossible to reason with an alcoholic. I'm wondering whether you could also approach things from the angle of alcoholism, whether that might help give you a better sense of direction at this time. Perhaps finding people who've lived with an alcoholic and seeking understanding and guidance from them could help make things a little clearer regarding your course of action. Grown children of alcoholics could offer you a more mature sense of how your kids might be feeling deep down and what they might be struggling with the most, such as feelings of stress, dread and walking on eggshells.

Speaking from experience as an ex drinker who was destroying their own life through alcohol when I was younger (I'm a 53yo gal now), I used alcohol as a form of emotional regulation. In a bottle I would seek a sense of peace or a sense of relief from stress and upset, a sense of relief from feeling depressed, a sense of relief from social anxiety, a sense of relief from certain inner dialogue that would insist on what a horrible person I was, relief from boredom and so on. I imagine, to be drinking as much as your wife is, she's trying to gain a sense of relief from a number of things herself. With drinking, there comes a sense of shame too. Deep down, being aware of your behaviour to some degree (in the sober moments), there can be a need to drink the shame away because it's hard to cope with that level of shame. So, it's like being stuck in a cycle. At the end of the day, it's about facing the shame, the depression for example, the lack of excitement, the stressors in life etc and facing and feeling those things whether you want to or not. While alcohol has addiction components, it's  also used to manage life when there are a lack of skills. With alcohol, there's no need to develop skills in emotional regulation, greater self understanding and life challenges. I regard myself as very lucky, for the day I came out of long term depression was the day I felt no need to drink anymore.

It's tough when alcoholism is intertwined with a mental health condition. Because of a lack of consciousness (awareness) brought about by drinking, the person drinking can't sense the full extent of their mental health issues. Kinda like 'With a drink, everything's fine. It's everyone else who has a problem'. While you and the kids might be able to find ways to manage living with someone who experiences a mental health condition, I suppose the question at this point is 'Can you and the kids happily live with an abusive alcoholic on a daily basis or is this something that will lead one or all of you to develop anxiety issues and/or depression?'. Again, my heart goes out to you. I wish there was something I could say that could offer you a solid and confident sense of direction at such an upsetting and distressing time in your life.

[bpdcarer]

Thanks for your words, it's a very difficult situation.

[bpdcarer]

Thanks for your response - I also agree that he alcohol is a big part of the problem. When does doesn't drink (which is not often) she is much better but she still does cycle through these unstable moods and irrational emotions. It's just not as severe.

I have begged her to stop drinking but she always lapses and buys more - it's extremely expensive and she is basically drinking herself to death.

Despite asking her over and over again to seek help/assistance I don't think there is anymore I can do except leave. Maybe that is the big event that needs to happen in order for changes to happen. Everything that goes wrong in her life is essentially my fault, she is constantly blaming me for everything she is upset about - even when it's nothing to do with me... I'm part of it because she has told me about it and because I may see it from another perspective she sees that as betrayal and I'm siding with them. It's a no win situation everywhere I go. My worry is that I cannot be the Dad I need to be for the kids because this has really drained the life out of me, living like this for over 10 years.

[therising]

Hi bpdcarer

Wondering how much support you have in the way of family members and friends around you, the kind of people who'd be able to offer some kind of relief for you and the kids if you do decide to separate.

It's a shame your wife can't come to better make sense of a lot of her triggers. She might at least find some relief in making sense of why she struggles so much and why she ticks the way she does. It would be interesting to know what a psychologist would make of things, in an official assessment. It's like sometimes you hear of people who experience ADHD yet are misdiagnosed as having BPD. Wondering whether she'd be at all interested in an ADHD assessment, seeing it has less stigma attached to it. This way she might at least see a psychologist to begin with, getting the ball rolling. Of course, might be a bit hard while she's drinking. Not ADHD is something she experiences but I at least wonder whether it would trigger her to wonder about possibilities she may not have considered.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi bpdcarer,

I feel for you so much in this situation. My mother presented with some strong BPD-type traits though would never seek help so never received a diagnosis. I’ve also had friends with it. So I know the feeling of walking on eggshells and dealing with unpredictable rage that can escalate from the tiniest thing. It is such a hard situation for you to be in.

I’m 49 now and my mother died 3 years ago. I’ve been reading the work of psychotherapist Janina Fisher who has developed her own approach for treating BPD and other conditions. It’s called Trauma Informed Stabilisation Treatment (TIST). She reframes BPD as a trauma attachment disorder rather than a personality disorder and has had a lot of success with some of the most severely affected BPD sufferers. She’s based in the US but there are practitioners in Australia. There is a directory of practitioners on Janina’s website. I know this may be no use if your wife will not seek help herself, but mentioning it just in case it helps in any way.

In my experience with my mother and friends with BPD they can be in an ongoing terror where they fear abandonment so acutely they lash out in what are like pre-emptive strikes because the are predicting those closest to them may leave them emotionally and/or physically. They often attack the kindest people who are being the most patient with them.

With my mother she was severely emotionally and physically abused by her mother so the model of a trauma attachment disorder makes a lot of sense. Two years before my mother died I tried explaining to her that her reactions were coming from her trauma issues with her mother. This was after she’d gone into one of her rage explosions at me. Initially it intensified her rage but a few days later I got a phone call where she said, “Sometimes mother’s say things that are not that helpful” which was her first acknowledgment in decades of her behaviour towards me. I found if I could acknowledge her pain it could open a bit of a door (even if the door was initially slammed in my face).

Basically I think the BPD world is one of terror and reactivity. Janina Fisher said one of her clients said they don’t have feelings, they have tsunamis. They are chronically trapped in a particular kind of response in their autonomic nervous system. The key I think is unlocking the trauma at that level, but getting a BPD person to feel safe enough to address that in themselves is the challenge.

Part of that challenge is a non-integrated part of the self is acting out of control and so a key element of healing is caring for the traumatised child part that needs re-integrating. With one of my friends with BPD her childhood experience was not so much abuse but more one of smothering with needy attention from her mother after her father died when she was two. There may be something in your wife’s history that set up the BPD dynamic early in life.

You are so important for your kids as the stable parent. I’ve ended up with Complex PTSD because both my parents were volatile and abusive. So it will be helping your kids greatly that you are balanced but the toll is huge on you and it’s integral you care for and protect yourself as well as them. I imagine you have tried so many things to reach and help your wife. I don’t know whether trying to acknowledge her pain will help which you have probably done in multiple ways already. If it comes down to self-preservation and that of your children you may need to initiate a separation. But I can’t advise or know the answer. I don’t know if anything I’ve written is helpful, but sending you strength and kindness and remember to care for yourself in all of this.

Take good care,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again bpdcarer,

Something else has just occurred to me. At 41 I started going through perimenopause and I noticed increased anxiety levels. At 47 I experienced more severe hormonal dysregulation with major mental health effects, including much worsening of Complex PTSD symptoms. If your wife is in her 40s this could be another contributing factor that could be worsening her BPD symptoms. It may not be, but just mentioning it in case it’s part of it. I’ve read that 20-25% of women have major mental health effects due to perimenopause yet it is rarely spoken about in society. A leading researcher in this field in Australia is Professor Jayashri Kulkarni. She has published work online including treatments. She has found in her clinic that those with a history of developmental stress and trauma in childhood are often the ones hit hardest in perimenopause. I just thought I’d mention that in case it is relevant and helps understand any of what is going on. If this is happening for your wife too it may be really exacerbating BPD symptoms.

Kind regards,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Sorry, me again. I was just looking at Prof Jayashri Kulkarni's profile at Monash Uni and it shows she is supervising research at present into BPD in relation to hormonal issues, emotional regulation issues etc. This may be of interest.

[bpdcarer]

Hi All - thanks again for providing feedback. It all helps - just knowing someone is listening.

We have actually been down the hormonal path before - she had tests and everything to ensure everything was as it should be. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago now and if anything it's worse now. I almost feel like she is in a constant state of PMS!!

Having said that, these symptoms were still there before the we even had kids - I saw the alarm bells but I think you move them aside when you are in love and hope over time things will be changing for the better.

We had a conversation last week again about talking to someone, she actually agreed to seeing someone about her "social media addiction". This seems like a good start but her mood is still very volatile and I don't even think I can bring it up again.

I struggle with the constant belittling, put downs and horrible remarks about how bad I am (and those around me, mainly my family). The kids see it too, they are always asking if I'm okay 😞

I will keep at it, we have good and bad days. But most days usually have some cycle into depression or intense anger. Just basically communication ends up with her yelling at me and me asking her not to shout (which of course makes it worse). 

Thanks everyone