Boyfriend has significant stress/undiagnosed anxiety.. feel like i'm going crazy

[newnat]

Hi all,

I live with my boyfriend, who after another bad fight, agreed to go to the doctor and start seeing a counsellor.

Which is good he's seen a GP, but it took us months to get him help (or months for me to keep reminding him).

I just feel like i'm going crazy some days. I feel more and more resentful, losing empathy & respect for his condition, I need regular distance from him to stay afloat myself (trying to start my own business and was studying and working full time doing 80+ work a week 3 weeks ago). It was not so bad at the start, but now he dips several times a day, every day, causing regular fights 3-4 x a week, especially when we are out in public and there are many uncontrollable variables.

He doesn't have a diagnosis, but he has severe mood swings several times a day based on what he refers to as his stress. When he feels any sort of pressure, plans need to change, anything happens he can't control, for example when he's cooking, working etc. He get's extremely stressed. He says he can't think. He also says things he says doesn't mean; becoming occasionally very nasty.

We have occasional fights because he needs to relax and if I say that "I feel tired" or "I feel x" he gets very defensive and we end up arguing for hours (often 3 hours plus) for him to understand me.

Some days I honestly feel like i'm going crazy. I hate to be negative and say "I can't talk to him", but i've been with him for 11 months, and we've had many discussions about how to talk to each other, the best way to talk about our feelings- and every single time (not an exaggeration) i've sat down to talk to him, it's lead to him getting extremely stressed.

For hours, he will sit in silence, start hitting himself, want to talk to me defensively etc.

It's gotten to the point now where I feel he is barely functioning, and we are barely functioning together. I insist on avoiding his triggers which just upsets him (I understand some of this is self blame but it is extremely draining). For example, cooking stresses him out to the point of yelling, then going quiet, not wanting to talk etc. So I suggest that I cook, which just angers him, as I work more than him already.

Work stresses him out, so I suggest he ask work to accomodate for him, but he feels ashamed (understandably). But I just get an unhappy, depressed person every time he comes home.

I feel like I will have to see a counsellor to feel sane in this relationship... someone who I can talk honestly 😞

[pipsy]

Hi newnat. The resentment you feel is normal, between being involved with studies and caring for him with his illness, you have no 'you' time. Carer's burn out too. You mentioned he had seen a Dr, what was the result of the visit? Were you with him when he saw the Dr? Perhaps it might be beneficial if you could see the Dr with or without him for your peace of mind. If he saw the Dr alone, and wasn't totally honest about his mood swings etc, the Dr possibly has no idea and may have just told him to 'take it easy'. The more info the Dr has, the better he can assist. It sounds like bipolar disorder, but I'm no Dr, so only guessing from your description. There's many people posting here who suffer this disorder who would possibly have a better suggestion. He really needs a diagnosis so he can start controlling his condition. You need help too, as you have much on your plate. His condition is affecting both of you. Try to get him to agree to see the Dr again and tell him you love and want to go with him so you can understand and be there for him.

Lynda

[MessyHeadSpin]

You might have to look at his sleeping and eating patterns, there's often more to the story than just anger... could be a health issue like I am suffering.. Make sure he's getting lots of sleep and if he's not you might need to look into natural sleep aids.

Otherwise there might be more to it again, i think it's wise to find out if he's actually attracted to you. Physical attraction is a big factor in how a partner will treat you... Often underlying conditions are exacerbated by issues such as a relationship that might not be ideal. Even if you find out he's not that doesn't mean you're any less beautiful or whatever it's just that people are attracted to different things...

Also, he could be suffering mental problems, but unless you make sure his sleep is good and his health is in order and that he's definitely attracted to you then you're going to be fighting a pretty hardcore uphill battle, that's just my take on it anyway.

You have to look at all avenues and make an educated decision because pressing forward with a failing relationship is just going to cause you to both resent each other in the end. Sometimes, an end is a fresh beginning. Whatever needs to happen, I'm sure you can work it out.. Just think logically about it. 🙂