Birthday anxiety & sadness

[GreenEgg]

Hello

My birthday is coming up and it’s a big one.  I’m feeling a bit pressured and stressed about having a party or even just a big dinner. Does anyone feels the same around their birthdays?

Secretly I kind of wish I could have a big party with lots of family and friends and everyone have fun. In reality I don’t think this will ever happen, so I downplay the whole thing.

Its kind of a storm for me:

- creating in my own head competing demands between friends v family

- worry that no one will even want to attend or be able to 

- worry that if people do attend they won’t have fun, will find it awkward or judge me for not having many friends

- worry about ageing and expectations around that and feeling behind

- worry about all the planning aspects, which isn’t my forte.

And the list goes on and on. Even things that should be simple like choosing a date turn into these huge stressful things.

Cheers

G

[sbella02]

GreenEgg,

Thank you for posting here, and we warmly welcome you to the forums. It's my birthday month, so I feel like it's quite relevant if I answer this now.

Historically, I have felt this. It's scary to think that people may not turn up, or that their experience won't be great. It used to make me upset seeing others' parties on social media, where people seem to worship the birthday person and everybody looks so happy to be there. 

I've since stopped feeling like this. Perhaps it's just me getting older, but I think that part of it is my will to live without regrets. I figure that I'll regret not having some kind of gathering for a significant birthday, that I'll look back and wish that I'd done something. 

If you have the means/space to, and you want to have a gathering with lots of people, I'd say go for it. Having a fun theme (like superheroes, or Gatsby, or characters/celebrities starting with the same letter as your initial) will also encourage people to attend, as dressing up can be a lot of fun. Having games and activities is another great way to keep people entertained. And food. 

Planning can be stressful, but as long as you have food, places for people to sit and socialise, music, and a scheduled date/time, you're all set to go. Breaking it down into categories and ticking them off as necessary always helps.

I've been to gatherings of 5 people and I've been to gatherings of 50. Honestly, I find that it's more about the kinds of conversations and interactions I have with the people who are attending, rather than the number of people in attendance. As long as you like the people going, you can invite as many or as little people as you want. If it's your event, people who value you and your company are inclined to go. 

If you're worried about the date, you could have a chat to a few people who you'd be planning to invite to gauge the best time to have it. If most people aren't available on a certain date, avoid that date. 

You deserve to feel special on your birthday. Allow yourself to feel loved and valued and respected. You only have a birthday once a year, you might as well make it an occasion to remember.

All my best, SB

[Mark Z.]

Hi G,

It's completely normal to feel anxious and stressed about your birthday, especially when it's a big one.

My option is that, it is YOUR birthday, you should enjoy it instead of suffering from it. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to have a perfect celebration. It's okay if it's not a huge party or if you don't have a lot of people attending. Remember that the day is about you, and as long as you're happy and comfortable, that's what matters most. 

Cheers,

Mark

[GreenEgg]

Thanks SB! I really appreciate it, and happy birthday month!

I’m not really close with enough people to have anything small, but then that makes me more anxious about people who can’t come as it really starts to get intimate and I worry about people finding it awkward.

Planning is a great tip and I think I will just need to commit and stop thinking about it. I normally obsess over details and different options - like a few months ago my family wanted to come near me for casual dinner/drinks and I was just paralysed. I spent a whole day looking at places, gathering info/opinions, booked and changed my mind four or five times. And that was just for the dinner part.

Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful reply, I’ll reach out to my close friends to see when they’re free.

G

[GreenEgg]

Thanks Mark, I think I definitely lose sight of that and just worry about everyone else. I’ll try think about what I want so I can explain to my loved ones/

G

[Mark Z.]

Great to hear, G! Hope you have a wonderful time celebrating and truly enjoy your special day.

Mark

[Beaser]

Hi G Egg.

I understand to some extent how your  feeling.  Coincidently its my Birthday today and i am feeling a bit flat about it. I have nothing planned . 

I think you will find your friends will be understanding of how your feeling ad that may be of some comfort to you.   Please let me know how it all goes ad ill keep you posted o mine.     Best  wishes    Brett,

[jaz28]

Hi G,

I am sorry you are experiencing this, it must be hard. It is normal to feel this pressure about your birthday, especially if it is a big milestone! I had my 21st last year, and I felt all the same pressure - whether people will come, if it would be fun, who to invite, what if it doesn't go well, what if no one comes...the list goes on! I think worrying about rejection is a natural thing us humans do - we are a social animal after all. However, hosting a big event is stressful at times, and that is just part of it. BUT there is also no pressure to have a big party - just because everyone else is doesn't mean you have to. You could have small affair with some close family and friends and that is perfectly acceptable too. It's your choice, but having a big party is naturally nerve-wracking, for anyone! I ended up taking the leap and hosting my 21st, inviting about 30-40 people. In the end, a few people didn't come due to various commitments - but most people did come and most people raved about how good of a party it was (and still do to this day) - and believe me, I thought it wasn't that great and was stressed for a lot of the time when hosting. BUT I also learned that it is not that hard to please people - good music, food and drinks will give most people the tools to make some fun 🙂 It turns out that I was worrying for nothing.

So, if people don't come, that's them - not you! You will know who your real friends are too!

I hope this helps,

Jaz xx

[GreenEgg]

Hi Brett

Thanks for your support, I really appreciate your kindness, especially on your birthday. Hoping this year is a little brighter than the last, for both of us. Let me know how it goes?

G

[GreenEgg]

Hi Jaz

Thanks so much for your beautiful message, it does help to know other people struggle with these things too. I think often in real life it’s hard to see what people are thinking and managing, especially for people like me who are more reserved.

You’re so brave to take the plunge! I’m glad it worked and you have some great memories and times with loved ones to look back on. I think you’re definitely right about people being easier to please than what I/we worry about!

G