Bf and I broke up due to mental health

[Lmsco2001]

Hi, I’ve never used this and I’m honestly scared to hear people’s opinions. My bf struggles mentally, really badly, it’s becoming a lot worse in the past few months, he started a new job that has caused him to stress a lot but he loves the job. We tried just having space for a bit because he loves me so much and doesn’t wanna lose me, he says he loves being with me I help him numb his feelings, he loves my family he feels like they’re his family and so he knows breaking up will hurt so bad. But we decided on it because he told me he keeps thinking he can’t have the responsibility of a relationship right now because it’s unfair on me that he can’t be the amazing boyfriend he wants to be for me and he needs to deal with this alone. He says he has a big part of him that wants to fix things so badly because he loves me so so much but then a big part of him that just can’t be in a relationship right now. I told him it’s okay I accept it I’ll be okay and I believe in you and I love you and he responded saying “I love you so much” “everything will work out”. I also want to mention that he was saying “a break for now” or “breakup for now” and that he sees his future with me, he wants to marry me and have a life together. It’s only the first day but he’s still messaging me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t message him first I give him space but I think should I be there as a friend? I just don’t want to constantly be waiting to get back together but I know he loves me and I love him so it’s far more difficult than a “normal” break up. 

[indigo22]

Hi,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

There is no need to be afraid, we are a non judgmental community and here to support you.

So this is a bit more difficult, as you say, than a normal break up. From what you have said, it doesn't actually sound like a break up, more like your partner stepping back for a while to have a chance to do some work on his mental health without burdening you. That seems to me a fairly reasonable and adult thing to do, but at the same time it is confusing for you at the moment. I think the question you may need to ask yourself is wether or not you can be there for him as a friend and support him through this time. If the answer is yes, then by all means, respond to his texts. It may just be his way of staying in touch with you while he is working on himself and may be concerned that if he doesn't keep in touch, you will get the wrong impression. If you love each other as you say, your relationship should be able to weather this difficult time. I also think you may find that the time apart may bring you closer as friends which is always a good basis for a relationship to be built on. See how things go over the coming weeks and have another discussion if you are still feeling confused.

Mental illness can be very hard to manage until you are able to find the right tools that work for you. You might suggest that he try a couple of apps that some of the community members use, one called Smiling Mind and the other called Beyond Now.

I hope that this is of some help to you, you are welcome to continue the conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Take care,

indigo

[Lmsco2001]

Thankyou so much for this response. It’s hard because he has removed his profile picture of us which solidifies to me it’s a break up but from what he says and him wanting to talk I’m like he just needs time to figure his mind out. I was happy to still be there as a friend without crossing boundaries or keeping it brief but today he said I love you and asked if I do and was worried I was angry at him. He then went on to tell me he wants to work things out between us so badly but then what would be the point of all this. In the heat of the moment I said well maybe we shouldn’t be talking and he said okay to that but I told him I don’t even mean that, his messages were just confusing me. 

Im hearing so many opinions, people tell me to cut contact so he can miss me and wake up to himself but mental health is harder than that and it’s not about that, but I also worry that’s he’s in a space of having his cake and eating it too by still hearing from me but being essentially broken up. 

I know he loves me and wants a future with me but I truly don’t know where to go or what to do. I don’t want to have no contact but I don’t know what the right decision is 

[indigo22]

There will be many opinions about what you should and shouldn't do, but at the end of the day, your opinion is the most important one.

You have not said what his mental health issue is (you are not obliged to say) so I'm not sure what you are dealing with. Different issues have their own characteristics and may give a clue to the back and forth behaviour. Has he been diagnosed and is he seeking help?

If you know what his diagnosis is, I think the best thing you can do is to educate yourself on what the characteristics are before making a decision. It's always better to make an informed decision about the important things. You could possibly benefit from a few visits with a therapist yourself while you are working through this situation to get some clarity.

I think we as humans, don't cope well with uncertainty. It clouds our thinking with imagined outcomes that make us anxious. It is not an easy situation to be in, but the above ideas may be a way of finding the solution to your present confusion.

Take care of you first,

indigo

[Lmsco2001]

Thankyou so much for your responses and support. 

We both suspect he may have BPD or bipolar and I’ve done some research into it. The only issue is he is afraid of getting addicted to medication and has had bad experiences with professional help (like seeing a psychologist) in the past. I myself think I might speak to someone as it’s weighing heavy on me. 

Thankyou so much again 

[indigo22]

I think that is a wise decision and I hope you are able to get to a point of clarity with that help.

One thing I would like to say is that unless he gets himself diagnosed, he will not know what his options are. He may need medication or he may not. Just because he has had bad experiences with professionals in the past, does not mean he cannot find the right person for him. Sometimes it can be trial and error. I don't know how he would expect himself to get better if he is not certain of what he is dealing with. It's a bit like saying "I think my leg is broken", then expecting it to heal without a medical diagnosis and a cast. The responsibility of his mental health lies with him and nothing will change without taking the steps needed to improve.

If you need support going forward, we will be here for you.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo