Betrayed by life in Canberra

[Angie_2023]

When thinking about my younger years, I felt that me and kids from school, were surrounded by the armours of protections, love, and high importance. We had an army of teachers, family to make sure that our life is saved from brutality, immorality, and cruelty. The naive sense of trust, that other people intentions are innocent, and people are wishing me well and are not going to cause any harm, often betrayed me. And keeps betraying me to these days. Everything then, was forgiven by adults. The students who failed exams were given another chance, the once who were lost in the city, were always picked up and delivered home. My cognitive abilities, decency have never been questioned. 

I would never think that life will deceive me even further, when lured by someone promising me paradise and place in the world to elevate my poor, disadvantage existence to better standard of living and safer place to raise children. Because the grass is greener on the other side.

Again, I felt betrayed, betrayed when I have been downsized to someone inferior, who needs to build herself from the scratch. And all things I was taking for granted, self-worth, my acquired education, sense of humor place in group and in society. All of these has been taken away and replaced by the baby steps crawling towards the identity, I took for granted. My new self has been replaced with increments of contexts and doubts. Wearing different ensembles, hats, and resonating reflections. I learnt that every building block, cost me lots of work, effort and there is never the point when, something has been achieved for good. That this society structure, wants me to fit into mould, formed by expectation of functional scenarios. That, the little girl in me will never be visible or heard by anyone, as there is no longer anyone interested, or wanting to know her or have laugh with her. That perhaps, to better adjust to my projections, I must forget about her. She may emerge out of closet, when you going to speak, with your old friends or with your mum. But now, the landscape if quite raw, and you must show your resilience. Show that you know how to blend in.

In one of the workplaces, I heard, that I should not ask for working from home - “Look at the kids, they are like little sponges, absorbing everything, you should be like them” My all-working life behind the façade of stiff politeness, people were putting rocks on my path. I stopped even asking why, but the fairy dream of godmother of kindness, goodwill has evaporated. No one would offer to rescue me, to be more understanding of my flaws. Contrary, there was no appreciation of hard work and unfair treatments from employers and harsh judgment with loathing my credibility or rights to have a job or human voice. On the surface, all was very appropriate with assistance of lip service and empty hostile shell inside.

I felt betrayed.

When I go to sleep, I am in another realm. All is safe and good up there. Reality scares me.

[therising]

Hi Angie_2023

You have such an incredibly beautiful and soulful way of writing, so beautiful. My heart truly goes out to you as you feel and express the impact of a world with so many faults and flaws, a world that can be so kind in some ways yet so brutal in others. Such a world can feel so impossible to navigate at times, that's for sure.

When I look at children, I figure they have it so right and we (as adults) have in so wrong at times. I believe, as we grow, our sense of innocence/harmlessness and wonder should mature and expand constructively with the support of others. Our sense of adventure, exploration, joy, excitement and more should also mature in insightful, caring and fulfilling ways. As we grow older, I believe we're meant to simply be a more mature version of who we once were, more conscious, more experienced, more evolved, more loving, more open minded, more knowledgeable and so on. Our abilities are developed. If most of us developed this way, you could then say there are no faults in a trusting person, the faults obviously lie with the few who can't be trusted. There are no faults in an innocent or harmless person, the faults lie in those whose intentions are harmful or far from innocent. No faults in an open minded person, if their intentions a good. The faults lie in those who take advantage of an open mind. No faults in a sensitive person, who can easily sense what's stressful and depressing or inspiring and joyful. The faults lie with those who are insensitive, those who refuse to feel for others. The question begs 'How can someone so faultless feel so broken?'.🤔

I wish we could be given some kind of talk when we're young. It would be something along the lines of 'As you go out into the world, know that you have this thing inside of you that tells you whether you're heading in the right direction. It will also tell you when things are 'going south' and it will direct you when it comes to who and what to steer clear of. On top of all that, it will also tell you when you're standing still for too long, not making any progress, not evolving in any way. Through this inner compass, you will feel all things. The most important thing to know is you must be sensitive enough in order to sense or feel'. So, with this talk and with us gaining experience in life, we develop our sense of the right direction, our sense of when things are going south, our sense of what and who to steer clear of and our sense of when we need to evolve in some way. In reality, it's a different story though, especially when people love using the phrase 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' (Grrr😠). I question, 'If we become insensitive, if we 'toughen up', then how are we meant to feel?'. Sometimes it pays to 'come to our senses' and develop them, instead of suppressing a lot of them in order to suit others.💕

You sound like a feeler/a sensitive, someone who feels/senses so deeply and so easily. Can definitely be a challenge when we can feel or sense all that's wrong with this world. I've found that what helps eliminate self doubt is when you find those who feel in all the ways you do. How can we possibly doubt our feelings when others are feeling in the same way? On the other hand, to be the only sensitive person amongst a lot of insensitive people can lead us to the illusion that we are 'broken' in some way.