Atypical anorexia

[Gem17]

I've had challenges with food and eating for most of my life. The past 5 years have seen that intensify into what has now been diagnosed as an eating disorder - atypical anorexia, something I had never even heard of before. I think I have been in denial for a long time about how bad things had become due to my BMI. It doesn't make me sick enough to deserve help because it's still too high. I'm at the point now where there are glimpses of my rational self, the one who knows I am slowly killing myself by reducing my calories, abusing laxatives and over exercising. But the louder part of, the far less rational part, knows that I need to continue doing these things because I haven't yet reached my goals. I am torn between continuing to try and get help and giving in and just continuing the way I'm going. The anxiety caused by talking about this with my gp, being weighed, monitoring my bloods etc seems to be making things worse, making me need to control my intake further. Am I ready for help? Can I do the things I need to do to get better? Am I even unwell? I just don't know...

[Centaured]

Atypical anorexia is more common than you'd think. It's a horrible disease and I'm sorry you struggle with this as well. I gave read a few of your posts this evening and thought to offer my support and welcome you to the forums.

When I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia I refused treatment, to then face it for another 9 years. Getting treatment last year was the best thing I ever did for myself. I am now in remission/recovery and it's AMAZING.

At first treatment was soooo hard and so scary but facing another 9 years of hell I would not do. So I cried and battled through each moment ready to yell at my dietician or dr, then with time it became easier. It became so easy so slowly I didnt even notice when I no longer used my eating disorder. And I began to notice how well recovery was going, I didn't even want it back, I wasn't even scared. That was a year ago and I still haven't gone back.

[Gem17]

Thank you for your reply. Out of all the posts I have written tonight I think this was definitely the hardest. I am so scared about getting help for this. Mostly because I don't think I want to change and let go of all the things that are making me feel sage and in control but also because I'm scared people will look at me and think I'm not skinny enough or sick enough to deserve help. Again with the rational/irrational parts of my head - the rational part knows that all of the ED behaviours I have and do are not healthy and indicate that I do I fact have a problem that needs help but that part of my head is small and quiet and usually taken over by the more irrational part which tells me that if I give this up I will lose everything. It's so tricky to find those small moments where I feel rational enough to reach out for help and accept it. More often than not I find myself convinced that there is nothing wrong, that I have lived this way for years and that its how I need to continue. Thank you again for sharing your experiences with me, it has really helped me feel a little bit less alone in this.

[Sophia16]

Hi Gem17,

Thank you for being so open and sharing your story. It looks like you are going through a tough time. It must be so difficult.

Have you considered seeing a mental health professional? I had a friend who dealt with the same thing and she saw a psychologist for over a year. She has fully recovered now and is very happy and healthy.

Let me know what you think.

Stay safe and I am here to chat if you need me.

[Gem17]

Thank you for your response Sophia.

I am currently seeing a psychologist and attempting to build my treatment team with my GP. We are also looking into inpatient treatment. It all feels a little bit overwhelming at the moment though because, like I mentioned before, I feel very torn between wanting and not wanting help.