Hello. Anxiety rules every aspect of my life, and therefore it has robbed me of even having one.
I have had to suspend going to university for the last semester and feel that I will have to do the same for this semester. I have dreamed of attending a university ever since I was little and I love learning, but since I graduated school last year, my anxiety has skyrocketed. I feel that i'm a failure for not going and that I'm behind my friends who are attending the university I was accepted at. I did try to attend, but I had to leave as I was kept awake for nights, fearing the days I had to go in and experienced severe anxiety and panic throughout the entire week because of it. I could not relax as I was on high alert all the time knowing I had to attend.
Now it has developed into agoraphobia. I can't leave the house, I cant walk my dog, I cant go to the shops. I'm meant to have my birthday party tomorrow with friends (only 8 people), but I don't feel social and as selfish as it sounds, I just want to be left alone.
I dread night as I get extremely paranoid and have to stay awake until my eyes are so tired that they can no longer stay open. I have to keep checking the door and the window that no one is there as I feel that someone is watching me. The other night, I really really felt like there was this tall figure standing in the doorway watching me. Part of me knew it wasn't real, but I still had to check, because it felt so real and that if I didn't turn around and check, he'd grab me. Now my friends are staying over as it will be late and I don't know what will happen. My nights feel so unpredictable and frightening that I don't know what my mind will do. I know I can't cancel now, but I really don't think I'm going to enjoy it.
I don't think I'm suicidal but I can't help thinking what's the point? Day and night I feel tormented by my own mind. Everything makes me scared and life just doesn't seem to have the promise that it once had. How do I regain myself back? The only people I have in my life are my close family and the only hobbies I have are watching videos and sometimes drawing/writing, though I often struggle to find motivation for them.
Is what I'm going through normal? Do you know what could be causing it? I went through a lot of trauma earlier in my life, could that be the cause? Is it a side effect of my anxiety? I'm not on medication or seeing someone at the moment, though I do intend to connect with a psychologist soon.
