OCD is forever

[Cursed_U]

Hi everyone

Let me start by saying that when I was 11 I began developing classic OCD spending hours making my bed; repeating phrases and prayers to stop the devil from destroying my family; repeatedly locking doors that were already locked; washing my hands constantly etc. I felt so ashamed but I didnt know what OCD was at the time and it caused great anxiety and depression. Fast forward to when I was about 18, I became a convinced atheist and slowly learned to ignore my compulsions but depression and anxiety still lingered.

I'm 27 now, I have a modestly successful business but several months back had a major episode due to work stress and relationship issues. When my girlfriend moved in with her dog I couldn't stand him. It was a really old and well behaved dog but something about him annoyed me. Because of this and a few other things my girlfriend moved out due to my unpredictable behaviour and mood swings. Actually, I told her to leave and immediately regretted it. She wouldn't move back in with me, worried about my worsening outbursts, but we stayed in a relationship and she continued to support me. Her and my family agreed I had to see somebody and finally get some help.

I've recently been told that I have bipolar disorder. I believe this may actually be related to obsessive thoughts now, which affects my emotional state. I'll take small things to heart because the memory or thought continues to come up and sometimes work myself into a rage because other negative thoughts are thrown into the mix and then everyone around me thinks I'm overreacting. I didn't think of it this way until recently. I constantly have a tornado of thoughts in my head and I guess sometimes I get worked up into a frenzy because my emotions are a reflection of whatever the thought-tornado is swirling up.

I feel so low now. I have broken up with my girlfriend because living separately I feel has made things worse. I have all the time in the world to indulge in paranoid, unwanted and irrational thoughts and behaviour. I love her so much but living apart has become so disheartening that I've determined breaking up with her would be the best outcome for us both. What is this and what do I do. I thought I had defeated this but it has warped into something more vicious now. My medications are helping but they don't stop a busy mind. The only thing that seems to help me have any moment of clarity is smoking cannabis.

[geoff]

Hello Cursed U, and welcome to the forums.

I can understand exactly what you have told us because I too became an atheist at a very early age and developed OCD at about 5 or 6 years old, but I don't have bipolar.

If you are having 'irrational thoughts' or they could be 'intrusive thoughts' these are attached to OCD and many other people including myself have had to try and cope with these.

Can I suggest you see your doctor and then get a referral to a psychologist who can help you with CBT.

I want to talk about your relationship after we can hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Cursed U

Welcome to bb and thank you for sharing your story.

My daughter was 13 years old when she fell ill with OCD, so I understand your pain. It is a very relentless, persistent and sometimes disabling illness. I am so sorry that you have had to endure this experience. I can imagine that a diagnosis of bipolar disorder was also disheartening.

I know it's tough. Frankly, it's probably beyond tough and unimaginable to most people. But I want to encourage you to continue seeking help. With the right treatment, I believe it is possible to reach recovery. What "recovery" actually means varies from person to person. But for my daughter (and me), it means coping with OCD thoughts whilst living her best life (e.g. attending university, working part time, a busy social life and a love life). It really can get better.

I'm glad the medications are helping somewhat but I suggest you also find a good psychologist who can introduce you to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or CBT. This treatment is highly effective for OCD and I have seen it work.

I'm really sorry about what happened with your girlfriend. You say you determined that the break-up was the best course of action and I'm wondering how she felt about it? Is she still in your life as a friend? Do you have other friends or family to support you? You don't have to answer here (no pressure) but just wondering if you could approach this time apart with her as a break and maybe leave the door open to seeing how you feel when you get more on top of you mental health. Just a thought.

Kind thoughts to you