Anxiety Ridden again

[Anxietyridden]

Hello Everyone. Long time no talk. 

I am struggling with anxiety again. I currently work 3 days a week. The pay is good but I have this feeling in me that I should be working 5 days a week as I feel bad for my husband. I know in my heart that I can't handle 5 days a week but my mind is not helping. My middle daughter left her stable job as she wasn't happy and now cannot find another job. She has less then $100 left in her bank account and she is struggling mentally as well and I don't know how to help her. My youngest daughter who has a medical condition is not well at the moment and can't seem to get better so things are pretty tense at the moment. 

I had a bit of a light bulb moment the other night in regards to my mother living with us (which I am not happy with). I realised that I don't understand why I am obligated to take her in and care for her when she didn't look after me when I was younger.

I just honestly feel like everyone would be better if I wasn't here with my issues but I don't know how to fix them. 

Sorry, I know it might not make sense I just needed to get it off my chest.

[therising]

Hi Anxietyridden

I feel for you so much, I really do. I had a similar thought just the other day, 'I should be working more than just a few days a week'. Then I think it was the sage in me or something wise that insisted I consider how much I'm currently working in other ways. It was more so questioning

1. 'Are you trying to help your son transition into adult life after having completed VCE last year?'. Yes, in a number of ways, given his struggles
2. 'Are you managing to find the time to see your father on top of managing certain aspects of his life, while he faces the challenges of dementia and living in an aged care facility?'. Yes, while also helping my siblings take time off from doing this
3. 'Are you managing running everything in and around the house, other than cleaning out the gutters and mowing the lawns, so that your husband doesn't have to manage all those things?'. Yes, so that he has time to relax outside of work
4. 'Are you helping your mother (in physical, mental and soulful ways) so that a decline in her physical abilities doesn't impact her too heavily?'. Yes, in many ways
5. 'Are you trying to manage your own life as well, outside of all of this and working a few days a week?'. Hell yeah, in more ways than I can count

Not sure whether it's dialogue coming from my inner sage or it's my daughter's voice in my head but what I hear is 'What is wrong with you gurl?! Why are you doubting yourself when you should be proud of yourself for managing all this?'. Good point. What also comes to mind is 'Do you remember how bad things got before you took the whole of last year off in order to cope with so much more?'. I forget sometimes how intense the stress/anxiety became and how depression was becoming a factor before I took that time off.

I've learned that we find our tipping point sometimes in the toughest of ways but the fact is we find it. When the challenges begin to pile up and tip the scales and if we're a real feeler (being able to feel all those challenges), there's no choice but to manage establishing a sense of balance. If managing means working 3 days a week or taking time off, so be it. The challenges you speak of aren't actually yours, they belong to your daughters, your mum, your husband and I'm sure there are other people in your life needing your help. As a helper/guide/support for others, this is where you're being challenged. While they have individual challenges, you feel them collectively because you care for everyone. This can help explain why you're the one in the family that feels the most.

When it comes to your mum, is she contributing in any ways that make life easier for you (financially, physically, mentally or soulfully etc) or is she simply there to be served?

[Anxietyridden]

Hi therising,

Thank you so much for replying. I wish I could find my inner sage as you have but I just can't.

I have had a bit happen to me in my earlier years of life that I am struggling to let go of because my parents won't accept responsibility and actually admit that what they did was wrong which is what I am struggling with the most I think. 

I actually quit my job of 9.5 years about 3 years ago now and I got this job that I have now. I actually left it about 8 months ago for 3 months but just ended back there because of my guilt of not working.  My problem is in my head I don't want to work as it stresses me out too much. I hate making mistakes and I feel very uncomfortable there as my manager is a very hard person to work for sometimes. Just this past Tuesday she yelled at me because she didn't hear me and it just made me want to go home and have a good cry!!

I don't know how to forgive myself I suppose as I feel so guilty about all of the thoughts that I have.

In regards to mother, she has just started paying $50.00 per week after being here for over 5 years. We had to bring it up.  She doesn't contribute anything really other then hearing her cough all of the time and the stale cigarette smell that we have to endure constantly. She has health issues that she doesn't want to address and it is beyond frustrating for me. I just want to ask her to leave but my siblings are unable to take her in as one brother has Huntington's and the other has a wife with MS. The other night I had a thought of I don't know why I am responsible to look after here when in reality she didn't really look after me when I was younger. I know how bad that sounds but that is how I feel.

I am not sure if what I have written will make any sense sorry

[therising]

Hi Anxietyridden

You make complete sense. I think being able to make complete sense of things for our self is quite the achievement and relief. Can take some time to make greater sense of things, time that can feel pretty tormenting before we hit on those revelations we really need.

With our inner sage, I believe it can be there for years before we come to fully recognise it. 'This is not your fault' can be heard through our inner dialogue and easily dismissed or overridden. On the other hand, we can develop the ability to have quite a supportive and informative conversation with this part of our self.

While the idea of a conversation with some part of our self sounds highly questionable, this doesn't necessarily happen outright. I think the more we come to listen to where ever those wise words come from, the more things start to develop over time. For example, it can start out as 'This is not your fault' and over time develop into 'This is not your fault. Stop being so hard on yourself'. Then it could develop into 'This is not your fault. Stop being so hard on yourself. Consider what the fault is and where it actually lies or comes from'. Then it can develop into 'If the problem involves your mother/father/parents not listening to you, isn't 'not hearing someone' the fault in question? What if you were listened to, how different would things be?'. Let's go all the way through to a major revelation, with this wise part of us suggesting 'This fault may run through generations, well before you and your mother/father/parents. Perhaps no one in your lineage was ever a true listener and you are the first of your kind. You are the first who has ever tried to listen to what people are saying to you but still no one listens to you'. And then, BAMM... 'What is wrong with everyone around you? Why are you the only one who truly listens?'. So, the sage was right to begin with. The inability to listen is not your fault. Why are we more inclined to hear the darker parts of our self, such as the harsh and depressing brutal inner critic, which can sound like 'You're hopeless'?

I think maybe it was the sage in me or perhaps some other facet that woke me up to what responsibility really means. Personally, I think the word should be spelled 'responsability' instead of ending in 'ibility'. Short for 'the ability to respond', it's all about how someone responds (productively or destructively). Take your manager for example. Productive or destructive? If they choose destructive, that's not your fault. Their challenge involves developing the ability to respond productively. Easier for them to remain the same than it is for them to rise to the challenge. Another way of looking at it is 'I'll bring you down to talk to you (and you will feel down), rather than choose to rise in meeting you where you are'. 🙂