Anxiety is winning

[mummabear23]

Hi,

I am a newbie to this community forum, not sure why I decided to post tonight but I guess the typing is helping me to not overthink for now.

I don't really know where to begin as there are not enough characters for what is going on in my head right now. I mean I have had major clinical depression since I was 14 with anxiety and panic attacks since 18. For the most part the depression is normally what consumes me but recently it has been the anxiety that is crippling me. I mean I figured I would have conquered this demon in the last 20 years, but it is stronger than ever.

I guess I don't know who I am anymore or if I like who this person is? I haven't had it easy but its all relative to the individual. People comment all the time I don't know how you do it but honestly I am not doing it, I am just good at faking it and at the moment I am sucking at that.

My problem is I worry too much about everyone else and think so little of myself. I have spent the better part of 2 years navigating my daughter's disability and now my son's too and in that time I have lost my identity as a woman, wife, friend....I have devoted so much time and energy into building my daughter up to be proud of herself and mothering my young son that I forgot about me. I love my kids, I move mountains for them but I can't seem to adult. I live vicariously through other people's social media yet it also reminds me of things I have lost...friendships, career, my smile. I want to deactivate it but I also need it to feel connected and in touch.

The anxiety is making it hard to get up each day....some days I can't function at all. I cancel things at the last minute all the time as I did while I tried to work and parent, yet I sit here worrying about how I keep disappointing people...or maybe I am disappointed in myself. I have goals and dreams yet it all seems so out of reach. On the days I have no children at home, I sleep and eat my feelings so much so that I have gained lots of weight and hate looking at myself. My mum says I need to try and be strong and think of me, in theory I know what I need to do but in reality I had a major anxiety attack in my son's day care parking lot as I couldn't figure out how to reverse out in our new big van.....I feel helpless, I feel guilty, I feel inadequate...I feel consumed by anxiety and so depressed and this time it is proving difficult to beat. I can be my children's champion so why can't I be mine?

[white knight]

Hi m, welcome

You need to think wiser in life.

Eg, reversing a new big van. If you lack confidence in that task then park where reversing isn't needed.

Be more real in your thoughts.

Eg, be the owner of your social media not allow it to rule you! Discount imaginary thoughts. Stay true and realistic.

Anxiety. I had it for many years and conquered it. It returns for short periods only but is manageable. It needs a few things-

Proper diagnosis and medication

Relaxation techniques/classes (I used muscle tensioning exercuses to great success but all these things take time to work)

Rid your life of toxic people

Get finances in order

Get assistance

Read threads here and similar forums

Exercise.

Attend motivation lectures

Good luck

Tony WK

[ci]

Mummabear I just want to give you a big hug after reading your post🤗🤗.

I am a mum of 3 and can relate to everything you have said. It's more common than you would think.

I to was very good at faking it even my husband was kept in the dark to what was happening to me.

Please don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling. Have you seen your gp I know easier said than done but honestly speaking from experience the best thing you can do is to talk about all this you will feel so much better letting it all out. I wish I did because I held everything in to long and my mental health has suffered greatly for it.

You sound like an amazing mum and a beautiful person you are worth the time and effort to find yourself and be happy.

[Emma77]

I second CI’s comment. I’d also suggest remembering to fit some fun into your day. If you can’t find time (or concentration) to spend a couple of hours watching your favourite movie, then maybe something with the kids? A craft afternoon, or dress-ups? I don’t know how old they are, and if that’s an appropriate suggestion, but you’re obviously a devoted mumma, so I’m sure you can think of ideas.

It is so easy for anxiety to snowball into taking over EVERYTHING, but little by little, we can claim those things back. I know what it’s like to feel helpless and guilty and inadequate. But just because I feel those things, or even think them, they’re NOT true. They’re not true for me, and they’re not true for you. I know your post says you’re feeling like you can’t function, but what I read was that you’re devoted to your kids. You’re generous and caring. You’re intelligent and ambitious. And you’re obviously very strong. You might feel like you’re faking things, but you ARE doing it. And you’re doing it while feeling like crap, which is a much bigger accomplishment.

I understand about using social media to feel connected, but if it’s also making you feel bad, then maybe be really selective about what you look at. Find some pages about managing anxiety. Read posts from people who understand what you’re going through. DO NOT compare yourself to the shinny happy pics that people post on Fakebook so that you’ll think their life is perfect

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You might struggle to get out of bed tomorrow, but you can beat yourself up because it was a struggle, or pat yourself on the back because you did it DESPITE it being a struggle.

BTW, I leave home a half hour early every morning so that I can avoid a busy highway merge. Am I pathetic because that merge causes anxiety, or smart because I don’t want to put myself through that anxious and potentially unsafe situation?