Anxiety is starting to consume me

[Danni1301]

I am 24, I am sad more than I am happy, I worry about things constantly that are out of my control and I can't let go of things people have said to me. I constantly jump to the worst conclusion, I assume that when things happen it's because of me, I have severe nightmares and I never feel good enough. I haven't eaten a real meal since Monday, constantly stressing over my new job and my relationship. My new relationship is perfect in every way except my anxiety and insecurities. I am with someone who treats me in a way that I have dreamed of since I can remember. He makes me feel beautiful, he says nice things about me and I can tell he means them, he is doing everything right. But understandably, given how much he does for me, when my insecurities or anxiety get the better of me, it frustrates him. I try to talk about what I am feeling and the thoughts that go through my head when I feel low, but sometimes, understandably, he takes it personally like I am unhappy with what he is doing. And when he gets upset or frustrated with me for having certain feelings, it brings me down so much because I don't want those thoughts plaguing my mind or our relationship anymore than anyone else does.

For the first time ever, I am in a relationship that I see being a completely long-term, real deal, forever thing but I am so scared I am going to ruin it by not being able to control these thoughts that completely consume me at times. It takes over my whole life. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't read or work or watch TV and it is exhausting. Today is the lowest I have ever felt, and it prompted me to book in my first counseling session which really scares me. I feel like I am crazy, when I know I am being irrational but I can't stop it in its tracks. Then I look back with so much guilt and embarrassment for how I have acted and it ruins me.

What can I do to help myself and boyfriend through this? Because he is constantly trying to help me, but he needs my support too. And sometimes I find it so hard to put my feelings aside to meet HIS needs because I am so consumed by these thoughts. Today I thought the answer was to end the relationship, regardless of how much heartbreak it was going to cause me, to save him from having to deal with me, which really hurt him. So now I feel guilty about that too. I just don't want to be the cause of someones stress or unhappiness, and I have no idea where to go from here.

[Beltane]

Hey, everything you're experiencing sounds like anxiety. I have general anxiety and panic as well. I worry about all the same stuff you do- though i've gotten it far more under control because i've been dealing with it for awhile- you've only just started!

First thing- you need to get to your GP and get your mental health care going, get them to refer you to a therapist and whatever other care you need (eg medications etc). I know therapy seems scary but my therapist is fantastic, she makes me feel really safe and comfortable and i've found it very helpful. You get 10 medicare-funded visits a year, and you can do some research to find one in your area you like the sound of.

I understand the thoughts completely: "i'm not good enough", "he deserves better than me", "i'm too much trouble/ i'm a bad girlfriend", "what if i wreck it with my anxiety" "hed be better off if i left". it becomes a track that plays constantly in your head, over and over... so its makes you anxious, and then you get more anxious, so the negative thoughts get louder... and you spiral further and further into anxiety and depression until you become absolutely exhausted!!

In therapy you will learn coping skills. CBT for example teaches people to replace negative thoughts "i'm a bad girlfriend" with more realistic thoughts "everyone has problems, i'm not the only one". I love ACT therapy- thats all about learning to just not react to the negative thought- so a negative thought pops into your head and you learn to just witness it without becoming emotionally affected by it. different therapies work for different people. There are also LOTS of books on amazon you can download on a kindle/ smartphone. I loved "The happiness trap" by Russ Harris- its a book based on ACT therapy.

in therapy you'll learn coping skills- how to cope with the negative thoughts, how to communicate with your boyfriend, how to change your thinking. you may find other things useful- exercise burns up all my anxious energy!

medication helps many people- ask your doctor if its right for you. my last med really helped me eat and sleep like everyone else, and calmed the anxiety. I only came off it for other medical reasons, but am going to go back on. make sure you tell your gp your symptoms.

i was once exactly where you are, worrying about the exact same things and i spent all my time panicking and crying about my new relationship because i didnt want to wreck it. we've been together a happy 1 year now 🙂 very happy together

[Beltane]

oh also! the guilt you speak of, i also understand. for me i found it was very much a cycle. I'd become anxious, then i would panic or snap at my boyfriend or burst into tears or try to break up with him (because i thought he'd be better off without me). then he;d try to reassure me and support me so i'd calm down a bit- but then i would feel SOOOO guilty for doing that! "i'm such a bad girlfriend, i yelled at him for no reaso/ i cried over nothing/ i tried to break us up/ why is he even with me".

 THEN that guilt and anxiety would cause distress, so it'd build up again overnight or a few hours after the last incident, and it would keep building until i'd feel like a volcano- burning with anxiety, panicking. Then of course id be so distressed i'd do it all over again! It went on and on until i finally got my meds changed and found a new therapist that did a type of therapy i found more my style (ACT is my style).

ANyway, as i said in the other post, i learned a lot of coping skills- how to think in more effective ways, how to calm the anxiety (and other times if i cant calm it, i exercise it out- you'll find you'll develop a few strategies so that if one doesnt work one time, another will.)

But a really big part of it for me was simply breaking the cycle somewhere. So i talked it through with my therapist and we came up with some strategies- my aim was to get through ONE night- just one night- without panicking, starting a fight, all that. we worked on learning strategies to get me through that one night. so my boyfriend and i had a lovely relaxing evening, a romantic evening. i felt extremely unsettled but i used my coping skills and we had the lovely ONE night. then the next day i didnt have anything to feel guilty over- in fact i felt really proud! i hadnt done anything to make me feel guilty- infact we'd had a lovely amazing evening, and i was very proud of myself for coping. so because the anxiety was reduced, it didn't build up again the next night- so we went another night without any incidents.

there were flare ups- there still are. but now they're very minor and i can almost stop them straight away. for example, i might come home stressed and snap at him. well that would have once led to a big fight and lots of anxiety/ guilt. But now almost a second after i snap i'm able to stop and say "i'm sorry i said that, i was just overwhelmed". so its resolved straightaway

i'm MUCH calmer and settled in the relationship now- i KNOW we'll be together forever!