Anxiety is ruining my relationship

[Kikiz]

I have had quite a long history of depression and mental illness but over the past couple of years I've overcome a lot and not longer have those issues.

But I've come to realise that I still have extreme intense anxiety problems mostly when it comes to my relationship. I have always had big father issues and trust issues.

But my current boyfriend is coping all of the anger because of the past. I completely freak out when something happens that is out of my comfort zone and try everything I can to stop it happening.

It's even small things like him seeing his friends. Deep down I feel like I can trust him but all these thoughts go through my head and there so much stronger than any positive ones.

I get extremely jealous about other girls and constantly comparing myself to them. I've gotten so anxious about things and can't control the urge to not check his phone and Facebook and I hate it.

When things get out of my control I literally feel sick and it feels like a big ball of anger just building up inside me ? I go into this intense stalking mode that I feel like I just can't control. I send multiple text messages one after enough and constantly have to ask who he's with and what he's doing. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!

He's the most amazing nice guy and I'm so scared that he won't be around much longer cause I don't let him do anything to protect myself and i know it isn't fair. It sucks so much and I just don't know how to stop this please someone help me   

[Donkion]

Definately not alone... I know exactly how you feel... worst feeling ever, I totally trust him but there's always that little something in your head that makes you think differently 😞 

Hope someone helpful pops along for both our sakes ❤️

[Substituder]

Hi both,

I know what it is like, I've been battling my demons for the past three years with my partner. I can feel his patience and lifeline for me wearing thin and I know deep down I don't have much time left to get on my feet again.

But this realisation means I have to stop concentrating on fixing the r'ship, instead focus on fixing myself, making myself better for my own sake. I don't want to crumble should the worst happen. That is out of my control but I can help myself grow stronger and more resilient.

Once you stop overanalysing the r'ship and start mending yourself and getting you back on track you will find that hopefully you think differently about things and have the courage to face whatever challenges you will be given.

What I'm trying to say is, in a r'ship you cannot control the other person or affect them (I know it is tempting to want to do this, I still have these urges). The best thing you can do is know yourself, learn how to manage those scary moments by finding tools that will help distract you through it. Eventually you will find it easier and easier to ignore those intruding thoughts of doubt and be glad that you didn't take action based on those urges but learn to calm down and think clearer.

For example I find that when I know beforehand when he won't be home, I would plan my night on my own, with movies, food that I love. So the hours don't pass by so slowly. And on those unpredictable situations, I try not to freak out and try to divert my attention again to an activity that I enjoy. Or if I'm having an especially bad day, I would just call a friend to talk or to meet up so I am distracted. 

But I don't have it perfect, I still go into texting frenzies and anger outbursts. If I have been stressed, haven't been eating or sleeping well, I find it easier to get into those cycles. So I owe it to myself to live healthier than I do now.

I think people like us can't afford to be idle about our health, we need to be constantly planning ahead to make sure we have adequate nutrition and rest. I believe these simple things will make a huge difference for us.

All the best.

[Niki]

Hi Kikiz,

             I just want to begin by saying that I was exactly where you are for the most part of my dating life. I know you try and reason with yourself, but the feelings you have overcome any reason in your mind! What I found was that I was so critical of myself, which affected my self esteem and resulted in the behaviour that pushes guys or girls away. I always compared myself, the way I looked and my success to other people which was detrimental to my relationships. I used to turn my phone off and go out and then frantically run home so I could text him abusive messages about why he isn't texting me! I took a long hard look at myself and made some changes that helped my self esteem...I'm not sure what that is for you. I'm sure your a beautiful person with a lot to offer- so stop comparing yourself and give us a list of things you love about yourself!

Please post and let us know how your going.

🙂 Nik

[Jet2014]

My 11 year relationship just ended thanks to my depression and anxiety disorder. The week before christmas, what awesome timing. Hope you work everything out because im going through hell, breaking up is always hard but having an anxiety disorder and depression seems to make it 1000000 times harder.

[Neil_1]

Hi Jet2014

I'm really sorry to hear about the end of your long term relationship.  And as you quite rightly say, it doesn't make it any easier when you're battling your illnesses of anxiety disorder and depression.

The last little while must be incredibly hard for you ... could I suggest that if you feel like you are able to, if you could start a new post and vent and let fly with anything that is troubling you.  That way we can try to offer as much advice and support and care for you at this time as you need.  Just a thought.

ps:  Kikiz, you haven't posted for some time ... I hope that things are going "ok" for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jet2014]

Thanks Neil. I did start my own post before I commented on this one, but have had no replies.