Anxiety Help.

[JJ1509]

Well Hi, Don’t really know how to start this off as I have never been one to open up, but some how this so much easier being behind a computer screen where I can't fumble up my words and feel like I am just whining. I don't know where to start my story so ill just start at the beginning. My first years of life I grew up in a single parent household my father didn't want much to do with me as he preferred the company of a bottle. When I was four my mother fell in love with a farmer and soon after that they were married. We moved to live with him on the farm. I grew up thinking this man was my father. From the first time I can remembered I hated this man. The way he always treated my mother like the hired help, The way he treated me the same because I did not live up to what his idea of what a boy should be. Years went by and so did the years of abuse to put it bluntly the more people he could make miserable the happy he would be. My mother being the wonderful women she is she put up with it, always trying to see the best in everyone. My Mother had two more beautiful children with him a girl first then a boy. My sister also coped some torment from him as being a girl was so much less of a person then being a boy. He used to have such a great way of making a person feel so low and so worthless that you used to start to think that what he was actually saying was true. When I was around thirteen I started to question my sexuality as I was starting to become attracted to the same sex. I remember saying to myself all those years ago “See he was right”. Growing up in a rural town and going to a rural school and being different the bulling used be quite nasty. The used to tease me for being gay even though I had not breathed a word of It to anyone, as my step father had already crushed what I had of my self esteem I only again believed that we these children were saying about me was true, that I wasn’t good enough. When I was fourteen I found a folder hidden in my step dads office about that I he was not my father and the court case my mum had to go through after she had found bruises on me and wanted to cut all access my father had to me. I can’t begin to tell you the amount of joy I felt knowing that that man was not my father unfortanly this didn’t not relive the feeling of worthlessness he had put on me. My mother woke up and found the strength in her one day to leave him, and we got out. A lot of time has past since then and the feelings and abuse that happened have never left me. That worthlessness that I felt then I still feel now. Since I was a teenager I have used alcohol as a crutch. Masking my anxiety with it. But the past years have been the worst for me. The only time I feel safe and stop the anxiety is with a drink in my hand. I am scared to answer the phone talk to anyone new (especially Straight males). I would rather walk a kilometer around a place then go past a group of men standing in a group and one I have to (Ie.when I am at work) my body goes into a state of shock, starting to sweat and my chest goes tight and I fumble all my words. I have tried to seek help before. Once I even forced myself to overcome it a little and made it to a doctor. I don’t think I have ever fumbled so much in my life and it all become so over whelming I just had to get out. I’m so scared within my self it has affected so many parts of my life and I’m scared that if I don’t try and reach out it can only get worse. I can’t sleep with out drinking I will stay up for most of the night tossing and turning worrying about things. Look I really don’t know if anything I have said has made any sense because I’m sitting here looking at it thinking god what will these people think. The words he is having a big whine and people have it worse out there. I am just at a loss of what to do and hoping I don’t seem as crazy as I feel. Anyway thanks for reading this probably makes no sense but I’m still glad I can finally tell someone even if it was behind a computer screen.

[Chris_B]

Hi JJ1509,

Welcome to the forums, and thanks for being so brave as to get your story out. It doesn't sound like you've been able to open up about this to many people at all.

There's a lot of history and hurt in there, and it does make sense that you would be feeling isolated, questioning your self-worth etc after everything that has happened to you.

Have a look at this page on our website:  http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/social-phobia

Many of the thoughts and feelings you describe sound similar to a particular type of anxiety called social phobia.  

Seeing a doctor and getting a referral to a counsellor or psychologist would be a really good idea for you; if you are concerned about seeking help because of your fear around speaking with straight men, there are plenty of female and gay male GPs and psychologists out there who you may feel more comfortable with.

If you are concerned about seeking help alone, is there a friend you can take with you?

This page of our website has some state-by-state contacts for various organisations that could help you with some referrals:  http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/for-me/gay-lesbian-bi-trans-and-intersex-glbti-people/helpful-contacts-and-websites

The most important thing is you have realised that you are at a point where you need to reach out for support, and that things have to change.  Don't worry about comparing your problems to other peoples', everyone has their own journey to walk and one person's pain and trauma can't be ranked against anothers.  This is your life to live.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you go.

best
CB

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Online Community Manager