Anxiety Disorder and Relationship

[mjncoursecar]

Hi,

 I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder a couple of years ago, but it took me a while to get me head around and accept it. Once that happened (about a year later) I explained what was going on to my girlfriend, who I have been with for 9 years. Ever since then, the relationship has started to degrade, and I feel like she is blaming me, without directly addressing the anxiety disorder (she refuses to discuss it), which makes me feel worse.

Does anyone have any advice or supportive words? I'm really struggling to understand what to do from here.

[white knight]

Hi Mjm,  welcome to beyond Blue forums

Sad it is, that around 80% of humans dont "get it" and sadder still is that loved ones dont even try.

Ok, I've had anxiety disorder among 4 mental illnesses. But I licked the anxiety. How?

Well it took me 25 years. Firstly some therapy including being taught muscle tensioning exercises that I do nightly prior to sleeping. Also keeping things realistic is important, worry is non productive and resting the mind important.

But your real problem is your partner. We often talk here in these pages about leading a horse to water but you cant make them drink. If your partner doesnt show concern then a relationship counsellor might be warranted. It's a shame. Perhaps you could ask her "if I broke both my legs would you talk about it with me"?

Relationships always come under test. The good news is- better to know the results of the test rather sooner than later.

Other threads you can read on this - use search...are

Is there room for stubbiorness?

Realism- you are what you are

Take care....Tony WK

[mjncoursecar]

White Knight,

To add to what I said before, we do try and organise time to be together, but we are having difficulties doing this. This usually turns into an argument and then she shuts down without allowing any discussion.

Unfortunately, I try to discuss the anxiety disorder, without pushing too much, but she flatly refuses to talk about it, or raise it herself.

After such a long time in the relationship, it is really difficult to decide whether to keep fighting for it, or to let go and move on.

[Pandapie93]

Hey Mjn

 I'm really sorry to read this is affecting your relationship. 

Unfortunately not everyone understands anxiety and the affect it has on us. My partner doesn't really understand it either, though he is trying to. He doesn't really like talking about it either but I just work on it slowly and we're getting better at it. The thing I really emphasised to my partner is that I am happy with my life and everything we have, I am so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life and the things we have, but I can't help the anxiety and worry I get. It's not something I can help or change instantly, and I'll be able to get through it faster and easier if I have his support there and can talk to him about it. This really helped him I think because it reassures that it isn't anything they've done to trigger it and they can help you get better. I also send links to articles and information on anxiety and depression through to him to read but make sure he knows there's no pressure for him to read them, it would just help him understand the disorder a bit better. Also remember it's not their fault they don't undertand as they haven't been through it and it's hard to comprehend from their point of view... It's a hard place to be in sorry 

Hopefully that helps a bit any way... All the best to you both 🙂 

[mjncoursecar]

A bit of an update,

Unfortunately a discussion of the anxiety issue turned into a heated argument. I have tried to present information on the Generalised Anxiety condition, but she refuses to read or understand, as she thinks she knows everything about it. She calls the anxiety disorder an excuse, nothing more. This has resulted in a huge strain on what is left of the relationship, and a nasty anxiety attack for myself.

I have organised an appointment with my psychologist as soon as possible so we can discuss this.

I find it frustrating that she refuses to discuss the main issue here in a logical fashion. Also, the exhaustion from the resulting heightened anxiety from the discussion/argument is destroying me. I barely have any energy left to do anything, and I can't stop my hands shaking (my main physiological symptom).

If anyone has some helpful advice or kind words, please post them.

[goodgulf_greyteeth]

Hey mjn,Over the past couple weeks I have gone through similar problems with my relationship, I was diagnosed with social anxiety years ago and have been on dsp, I don't go out unless I'm going somewhere there's no ppl and can take my dog(he helps alot). My partner knows all this yet still thinks it's just an excuse, I had a bit of a breakdown and went to the doctors, finally! But then when I told him I'd been talking on lifeline he gave me the old "we need to talk" line. This led to a week or two of fighting, he was picking out all the points of my anxiety, like not being totally comfortable around him like everyone else and saying hows that supposed to make him feel. When I pointed out I'm trying to get help he kept screaming at me "it's not about you!!". I don't know what changed, we've talked a bit about it but it always leads to a fight and now he's changed his tune completely. I think he's finally read some things about it because some of the things he's said in the last two days are pretty much quotes from websites that I've been looking at. Relationships are hard, we've fought and worked through it for ten years and I hope we can work through this too. All you can do is your best and try to "educate" your partner about the problem, or encourage them to educate themselves. One thing I found useful was using correct terminology, when I put things in my own words my partner thinks I'm making it up, when I recite things from medical websites its easier for him to accept. All the best of luck,Goodgulf greyteethP.S. will someone please read my post in trauma and life events, I need advice on other things too

[Danni1301]

Hey, I completely understand where you are coming from and what you are going through, although I am now with someone who really tries to understand and he supports me through my treatment. But it took a little to get to that point.

Some people go through their whole lives never feeling anxious. Something I have thought about a lot, is.. If I never felt sad my whole life, would I understand someone elses situation if they were sad all the time? Probably not. It would be such a foreign thing to me. So education is key. My boyfriend and I have only been together 5 months but it is serious and he is the one for me. I could see my anxiety slowly eating away at our relationship so I got some help. As soon as I took that step, he could see that I wanted to do everything in my power to help both myself and him. I am slowly learning to not put so much pressure on him to help me through my anxiety. He is amazing and he has come to have a much better understanding of anxiety and no longer feels responsible for it, but unfortunately sometimes we just have to accept that that person just wont understand and we need to take those steps ourselves to fix the issue.

 My counsellor explained to me that while we do need to be able to lean on our partners, sometimes it's best to lean on friends and family, especially in those moments when we just feel too overwhelmed. Otherwise the relationship can easily become very negative. So the best thing I have done recently is to confide in friends when I am really really down, try to work through it on my own, and discuss it a few days later once those overwhelming and compulsive feelings have somewhat subsided. So then you can say something like 'I was feeling really down a few days ago, I'm not sure why, but I really took note of some self help strategies from a website and I spoke with Frank who helped me through, im feeling much better today'. I think slowly they will come to realise it isn't about them, and you are doing what you can to manage the anxiety without putting full responsibility on your partner.

That being said, someone who refuses to listen to you at all is not good. In any situation.

I hope this helps a little

[mjncoursecar]

Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while since I posted, but the issue has arisen again. I followed your advice and tried to point my girlfriend in the direction of useful information, but that hasn't worked. Things seemed to have levelled out for a while, but then when she was at my place for dinner, I was having one of my bad nights with the anxiety disorder. She, as she has done before, has misinterpreted it as being moody, and has basically said she can't put up with it any more.

The way I see it, is she cannot either accept it (as she refuses to discuss it), or she doesn't understand it. All in all, it results in me getting blamed for anything. It is now at the stage where she has presented an ultimatum. I'm getting to the stage where I feel like I'm spending more energy on trying to save the relationship, and less on looking after myself. I'm not sure I can keep doing that.

If anyone has any useful advice or kind words, please reply. It would be good to hear that people have some idea what is happening or any advice on what to do.