Losing the battle against myself.

[misspossum]

Never been diagnosed with a mental illness, in all honesty too afraid to even speak to anyone about whats going on inside. Ive always felt, odd. You wouldnt pick me to be different in a crowd, but inside my head is an absolute mess. Every day im torn between two completely opposite sides of myself. Im in a constant panic attack of not knowing who im going to wake up and be in the morning. Its hard to explain but recently i feel like im being torn apart from the inside from all the confusion, indecisiveness and constant feeling of dread. To make matters harder ive been with my partner over two years and this is someone im excited to spend the foreseeable future with. But for months now ive been struggling to show and feel love for another person when im so lost with myself. The last thing I want is this relationship to end i honestly feel if it did i couldnt go on. But is it fair for myself or my partner to go through the pain of disappointment when the version of me that walks through the door isnt the girl he feel in love with. The girl i know i am? Im exhausted and weak and really struggling with each day. Im a smart girl and ive practiced anxiety exercises, set goals, done yoga... but i feel as if im inly getting worse with each day. I need help and i don't even know where to begin..

[Zeal]

Hi Miss Possum,

Thanks for your post!

I recommend going to your doctor and explaining your current health situation: how you’re feeling and what your thoughts are like. If you are feeling overwhelmed about what to say, you could write a list. This way, you won’t forget important things. Also, if you are very anxious at the appointment, you could show the list to your doctor. Write the date on this list and keep it as a way to track your progress. Keeping records of things like this is important.

It sounds as though you could have both depression and anxiety. However, being diagnosed by a doctor is crucial. If needed, your doctor can refer you to a counsellor or psychologist. There are good health rebates available, so it doesn’t have to be expensive. On the Beyond blue site, there is a directory of health care practitioners you can access. Go to Get Support (first button on top menu bar), and then click Find a Professional.

Talking to your partner about how you’re feeling and what you’re going through, is important. This way, he will know the way you’re acting or behaving isn’t because of him or anything he’s done. Also, he might be able to be an even greater support to you. You getting help will be reassuring for him. Seeking professional help when you need it is a great sign.

I hope you are able to make a plan with your GP.  

Best wishes,

SM

[White_Rose]

Hello Misspossum

Welcome to the BB website and thank you for sharing your story.

I see SM has already given you a great response. I do urge you to follow her advice and make an appointment with your doctor.  Additionally you may like to answer the one minute depression checklist on the home page.  You will probably find it reassuring to know that your difficulties are very common and do not mean you are in any way strange.

If you explore the above tabs The Facts and Resources you will find some information about depression and anxiety.  There is also information for family and friends.  Beyone Blue will send you any of this information or you can download it yourself. When you talk to your boyfriend it will help the conversation.

Our culture is very resistant to any form of mental illness, quite often because we are taught to fear it. Yes it's uncomfortable and disconcerting for those who do not have an illness but the help and comfort these folk could give to others is amazing. So please try and explain yourself, with the help of the BB information, to your boyfriend.

Mental illness is no more to be ashamed of then having the 'flu, a broken limb or high blood pressure. They all present difficulties but with help from others we can recover more quickly.

It's time to stop struggling to cope on your own and ask for help. You are beautiful as you are and you have a loving partner. Accept you are unwell and get help to heal so that you can have the wonderful life you were meant to have.

Warm regards

Mary