I've been anxious and depressed since I was about 7, prior to that I thought I was great!
I came from an upper middle class family where my Dad was State Manager of this and that and Mum was a Mum. I was an only child for 10 years and then I got 2 sister within 18 months. Mum and Dad fought every night and Mum made me stick up for her against Dad. The rest is Psychiatrist material.
Anyway long story short I moved states at 21 and had no idea of who I was, luckily I made great friends and forged my way through but anorexia and bulimia crept in,
My family moved states for a new start and I followed because I could feel I wasn't mentally right but unfortunately I wasn't as readily accepted and the fighting was still there, I stayed under sufferance and alcohol became my best friend and continued to be for about 20 years.
I had bad relationships that did nothing for my self esteem then about 10 years ago I met a wonderful man and married, too late to have children. I moved to Melbourne where he lived and we had a wonderful social life, life in general was great.
We decided to move back to where I was born to save money and thats when the horror began.
My depression and anxiety went out of control along with drinking (I was a heavy drinker for about 15 years) all the bad memories consumed me and he said we need to quit drinking. He did and stood by it and I have lived in a constant mess trying to quit, The longest time was 2 years and for no apparent reason after a trip to see my Family just drove to the bottle shop and drank in th car.
I have been to detox about 5 times.
My thinking is that I want my best friend (alcohol) around social times and holidays Xmas, Easter etc and I go into a big slump and find it hard to either be happy or abstain.
I detoxed in hospital about 3 weeks ago and my Husband said this was my last chance, I had to go to rehab, I went for an interview and it was full of people very unlike me mainly men and I felt intimidated. My Husband agreed this place was not for me and I have to find my own alternative hence me writing to BB,
My Doctor sent me to a psychologist and all she has done is give me lots of sheets of paper about cognitive therapy and offered no real help. I am now waiting for an appointment to see a psychiatrist.
I hate it if we do go out when people say oh do you mind if I drink, or aren't you good I couldn't do it or even mention anything about alcohol at all.
I miss my crutch but I can't seem to have a couple it turns into a couple of weeks and then I get really sick.
I just want to feel normal I am on anti anxiety/depression tablets but it doesn't stop me from feeling abnormal.
I know it sounds self indulgent but I am fat with little confidence, have no sex drive and fun is fleeting.
Can anyone relate or have any ideas.
Thanks
Tanzi
