Anxiety and Swallowing Difficulities

[TheWayfarer]

Hey everyone,

My mental health really went off the rails at the end of last year where I had a massive choking incident. I was lying down eating chocolate (it was the holidays, but I learned now not to do that ever again) and a few seconds later I felt like I was suffocating.Then I had another choking incident only a week later - and after that... everything changed.

I couldn't eat or drink anything. The sight of food and drink alone would send shivers down my spine and I'd internally panic even contemplating on trying to consume it - getting flashbacks and visualising that I'd end up choking like I did in the past. I went to my GP and he prescribed be reflux medication, thinking it wasn't a big issue (it had hurt when I did manage to swallow something) and it was only meant to be used as a precaution to hopefully ensure I didn't get any severe oesophageal issues in the future with my repetitive vomitting). But try as I did, the thought of swallowing anything made me incredibly nervous.

It got so bad, it came to some weeks where i didn't have anything but water. My body ached, my head felt dizzy and my life just turned out for the worst. I couldn't work, I couldn't leave the house and I couldn't see anyone apart from medical professionals. Everytime I swallowed it'd be painful and I'd be paralysed by my anxiety for hours before even contemplating on having anything to eat or drink.

Fast forward to now, I did all the tests (barium swallows, gastroscopies, had a tube down my nose to check my throat just to make sure nothing physical is obstructing) and then after that got my diagnosis for health anxiety.

I've been tested so much - I've lost 30kg, in a constant state of fatigue and I missed a lifetime opportunity to go on holidays with my friend crippled by the fact that I can't even swallow without thinking I'm going to choke or aspirate food/liquids (have food or liquid go down the lungs). My parents- who I live with work so hard and they are quite old and sick... I feel like I've been a burden to because I haven't been able to work and financially help out. We rent, but any point our tenants might raise the prices due and we could end up being homeless.

I get chest pains, struggle to breathe and I'm constantly at medical appointments, psychologist or at the ED, scared my health is deteriorating - and I get a feeling they are all getting sick of me at this point because I haven't been improving and coming back with more and more concerns.

Thanks for listening.

[Scruffy1]

Hi Wayfarer. How are you doing?

[TheWayfarer]

Hi Scruffy1,

Hope you and everyone has had a good weekend.

Unfortunately, the coughing fits after drinking my liquid nutrition and attempting to eat is a lot more prevalent now and my chest feels really heavy after eating. I also had a really bad case of reflux where it reached my throat and now both my nose and throat feel really irritated. I had this really bad fear of the acid going to my lungs cause I was coughing really badly after that and chest pains kept coming back; and it's has been really unsettling the past few days. I've also got some lingering abdominal pain - which if it doesn't fade - I will go check with the doctors in the next few days.

I get really critical about myself. Sometimes I'm actually a little confident with swallowing and eat and drink with confidence and have no worry. But then other times, I really doubt my capacities to swallow and the food or drink is left in my mouth and I'm afraid I've inhaled. I'm not sure if it's just a mental challenge, but I feel like I've adjusted my swallow where I'm swallowing very little quantities than I'm used to. I remember days where I didn't even worry about chewing or can chug down a whole cup of drink very easily. But now even a very, very small piece of food I chew with a lot of vigour and can only take a few sips before getting a "shock" at the back of my throat and then get worried about things going down the wrong way or choking.

My mother recently fell at work and got injured and it's been really stressful about money. I try to reassure myself that my swallow is okay since the physical tests have said my swallow is okay. My last meeting with the psychologist told me that I shouldn't rush or put pressure on myself about recovery; but it's really taking it's toll when I hear about financial troubles, or my family not being well, or hearing about how everyone's moving on. I do try to relax or distract myself from these thoughts though. It's my birthday next week and I hate being a downer; but my family like to use it as a reason to have a whole buffet. Although I've told them that I have issues with eating; it goes unnoticed and they are insistent on making a big deal about it which I'm deeply saddened about. I know it's a birthday but I really don't want to think about food that will probably go uneaten and I just need space to recover.

I'm keeping optimistic. I have an appointment with psych (on my birthday funnily enough) and the residential care facility appointment a week after.

[stormcloudz]

Hi Wayfarer

It's good to hear from you. It's really tough that you are having the coughing fits, I can hear how anxious you are about this.

I also had bad reflux for a while and I know that unpleasant sensation of regurgitation up to the throat. For me, it was just unpleasant, and reflux tablets helped. I had quite a few gut problems, so I can relate a little bit.

I really agree with your psych's advice to take it easy and not put pressure on yourself about recovery. This has taken a huge toll on your body and mind, and it will take time to recuperate. You are doing all the right things by checking out the issues with specialists, seeing a psych and looking at your rehab options.

Do you want to talk a bit more about the financial troubles? How are you managing at the moment - do you get any government assistance?

I'm sorry that your family isn't hearing your concerns about a big buffet on your birthday. Oh, the irony! Families can be like that, they go into autopilot and just do what they think 'should' be done. Please don't worry about uneaten food or trying to keep up. Maybe you could just be there and soak up some comfort from the fact that they want to do something for you - would that work? Is there anyone who understands in your family and can give you a hand? If not, remember we'll be here and you can download to us afterwards.

I think you are doing a great job of investigating recovery under difficult circumstances.

[TheWayfarer]

Hi stormcloudz,

I hope everyone's having a good public holiday day today. I came back from E.D very very early this morning because the intense body aches happened again like it did last Sunday. It was terrible - it really felt like a heart attack and I couldn't move and my whole torso was so painful. Fortunately no signs of cardiac issues but they didn't know what was wrong. The tip was pain relief if it happens again and follow up with GP which I plan to do this Friday.

I have been taking medication just to relieve the inflammation of my stomach but I generally find it doesn't help the burping and the liquids rushing up to my throat. My GP says once I get to having a regular eating plan, that should stop - so I've been trying to be persistent with trying to eat foods.

I do get government assistance which goes to trips to specialists, consultations and helping pay the bills if my parents need help. My mother's injury set her back for not working for a few days; and unfortunately that's placed some strain on the bills. I've been rather insistent that my family don't bother spending it on a party or celebrations because it could be used to help with life matters.

I'll be completely honest - I'm not really an innocent member in all this. I've been very closed off and it's been very difficult to discuss my problem with my family. I've had to come to terms that this are difficult right now; but more so; and this may be very selfish of me, but I find that I really want a lot of space a lot of times from the people around me. My parents are quite distant and everyone else has moved on with their lives. Haha, maybe a bit of pride - but I do want to try and overcome this on my own so I'm not a burden on them.

Talking here definitely helps clear my mind a bit and helps me process my situation at the moment. Thank you so much for listening. I know I say that a lot - but it's really, really helpful.

[TheWayfarer]

I'm feeling really blue right now...

So, the appointment with the residential care facility had to be cancelled today. Initially what was planned was that I were to be picked up by my psychologist and we were to go together to the facility and it would be also an opportunity to discuss progress. However my psychologist went on sick leave; did leave a message with the centre to call me and say I had the choice of going on my own - however that message was delivered very last minute and I would've had to pay $50 cab fare one way to "possibly" make it on time (most likely I would not have been able to make it).

Now I'm kind of left stranded on not knowing when I'll see my psychologist and possibly needing to wait awhile to meet with the residential care facility. I know I kind of declared that I'm trying to work on recovery on my own and trying to do it without residential care - but I haven't been able to clear out the negative thoughts.

Health wise - I'm in a bit of a conundrum considering because of my disordered eating - I have been getting really bad cramps and aches all over my body. I did go to the GP last week and his recommendation was to try and fit more meals and exercise. However, there was a slight caveat - being that if I added on too many calories at one time, I might get symptoms of refeeding (which is what he thinks all the strange cramping and aching every day is all about. Unfortunately, my energy levels are still very low (I get really light headed and tired even at the most menial of tasks) so it's really hard to imagine implementing exercise in my regiment. And I'm just really confused on what to do now.

I know it really isn't anyone's fault - and I am worried for my psychologist going on sick leave - but I'm really, really worried. I hate feeling so self-centred and hypocritical but I really thought after all these rising issues - residential care would be a really great treatment option. But I know even the visit wouldn't be an immediate gateway to this and recovery would have to come form myself.

I just feel so disappointed. I really don't feel like trying to eat (even though I know it'll just make it worse if I avoid it), and I haven't really been able to settle down. It was just my birthday and now it's past the half year mark and I'm really feeling the passing of time just going by and me being so paralysed to do something with it. I missed my holiday, so many social events and things I could've done.

I'm so sorry.

[Quercus]

Hello Wayfarer,

Scruffy and Stormcloudz are both wonderful supports to you I hope you don't feel disappointed by me replying instead.

I noticed your very last sentence... I'm so sorry and after reading your thread I wondered why. Why are you sorry?

It's not your fault you have an illness. It's not your fault you are anxious. These are things that you're managing the best that you can and on days like today where you feel let down it can be completely overwhelming.

Are you safe?

I relate to you isolating yourself from family. I do the same. Some times it feels like putting one foot in front of the other is the extent of the energy you have to give. And that's ok. But you're not alone. You can write here and talk. Or phone the suicide call back service (yes the name is intimidating but really they are counsellors who are very good at helping people who are distressed). The number is 1300 659 467. I've called them too. They do help get you through hard moments like today's disappointment.

I keep wondering if you've seen a psychiatrist? It doesn't make sense to me that your doctors are trying to manging your difficulties with swallowing without first addressing your anxiety. There are medications that help reduce anxiety (I'm on one) and they do make a difference.

Has this option been discussed?

Also I saw you mentioned you have reasons you are as anxious as you are. And yet you don't talk about it much. I can't help but worry that maybe there is a need for a formal diagnosis by a psychiatrist. There are many types of mental illnesses. Anxiety can be part of PTSD for example. I am not a doctor. I just get the feeling that doctors trying to help you to eat is not really getting to the root causes of why you struggle in the first place.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

You mentioned liquid supplements also. Do you mean like sustagen or meal replacement liquids? Are you managing to keep any of these down today?

I'm sorry you have been let down while you are vulnerable. Until your psych is better please reach out to the helplines and here. If you feel desperate the ER is appropriate. It truly does not matter how many times you go or if they are irritated. This is not about them. It is about YOU. And right now you need support.

Please keep trying Wayfarer.

Nat

[PamelaR]

Hello Wayfarer

It's great to see such support and care from StormCloudz, Scrubby and Quercus. Welcome to Beyond Blue forums.

A little while ago I started a post, but lost it. Dah.

Anxiety can be debilitating. It sounds like life is quite difficult for you at the moment. Living with anxiety isn't easy and it takes a lot of courage. From all the things you've said in your posts, I believe you have the resilience, the commitment to move forward in your life.

I'm not going to say anxiety will be gone, but for me (one who has suffered for a very long time) it is manageable. There are times it can feel worse, but it can be put in its place and I don't let it control my life.

Having your psychologist cancel because they are sick and the flow on affect to not being able to see the residential care facility is so frustrating. From all that I've read from your posts, it sounds like you think that it's important for you to be there. What are some of the things you think the residential care facility can help you with? When can you follow up with your psychologist to set up another appointment?

It is interesting you've been seeing a psychologist. What techniques have you been given to help manage your stomach cramps and pains?

Keep reaching out to us Wayfarer, when and if you want to (no pressure), you're not alone. There are many techniques I can go into, but I'll wait to hear back from you.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[stormcloudz]

Hi Wayfarer

I'm sorry the meeting to check out the residential care place was postponed. I can understand your disappointment, and the underlying anxiety about needing the help. Will it be rescheduled? Can you go there solo?

Please remember there is a Plan B available to you - if your weight drops dangerously low, a standard hospital would take you in to support your physical health. They tend not to be strong on anxiety, but it's important for you to know that you won't just have to struggle on if you are really affected. Has your GP talked to you about this, and helped you work out when you should take that approach?

I want to send you some comfort and support, as I know things are difficult and you are really trying hard to manage the situation. Like Quercus, I'm wondering what treatment the docs are providing for the anxiety, it's not something you should be expected to just "fix" on your own.

Let us know how you are going when you can.

[stormcloudz]

Hi Wayfarer, just wondering how you are going?

[Scruffy1]

Hi Wayfarer. I haven’t been on for a while and I was just wondering how you eventually got on.

I hope everything turned out well for you