Anxiety and DPDR help

[plushelephant]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I struggle with DPDR and anxiety, but the past few days I just haven't been able to get over my negative thoughts and existential anxiety. 

It's like I'm scared to be alive, but also scared to die at the same time. I also keep having really intrusive thoughts of 'how am I even alive', 'why do we live', 'what's the point of feeling good'. It's hard to remain positive because I just don't feel real or alive, and I'm scared that I'll never feel better, but then I get scared that I'll feel better and actually have to live my life. Anyways, I guess I just need help with these thoughts because they're making me feel pretty depressed.

[Sophie_M]

Hi plushelephant, 
  Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been feeling anxious and existential. We think sharing here is a great step towards feeling better.  
  If you want to talk through what you’re feeling at any time, the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online here. It’s ok to reach out when you’re feeling anxious or upset, they can talk you through some ways to find a bit of calm, and then help you to figure out some options for further support. 
  We’re sure we’ll hear from the lovely community soon, but in the meantime, here’s some strategies you might like to have a look at it. We understand you might have been through some of these in the past and it might feel like cold comfort right now, but they’re here in case they do pique your interest: 

• Another thread where the community have shared some strategies for managing anxiety 
• Beyond Blue Article: When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 
   

Thanks again for sharing. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else. 
  Kind regards, 
  Sophie M 

[plushelephant]

Hi, thank you for the resources and support. They actually helped me a little even though I'm still worrying. Hopefully I get some community responses soon like you said 💗

[mmMekitty]

Hi Plushelephant.

I don't know much about DPDR (I think you refer to Depersonalisation / Derealisation?) What I do know is many people, ordinary people, philosophers, thinkers, ask themselves & the usiverse or some religious figure, the sorts of questions you have running through your mind, stirring up all those feelings.

These are the big questions of life. These are questions with no definite answer, except for answers we find or create for ourselves.

Because these questions are so hard to answer, most people are able to get stuck into what they can do, things they can find in life of interest, or meaning, or worth. or purpose.

Usually, when people find their own answers, they are looking outside themselves. With courage, they try different things, go places, meet a lot of people. Maybe they find answers, or maybe they find the journey is the whole purpose in itself.

Whatever it is for you, remember we have our whole lives, no matter how long or short our lives may be.

All the best,

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi plushelephant

I can recall when I first came out of long term depression some years ago, very suddenly. It was a truly mind altering experience, not all of it good. While a lot of my false beliefs about myself and life had suddenly vanished, it felt like I was a completely blank slate. Problem is...with a blank slate there are no reference points. Kind of feels like free falling with nothing to grab onto, no grab handles (aka ref points). In hindsight I can see how this happened. Long story short...you begin as a blank slate with an open mind. Other people's ideas and beliefs are gradually given to you over time. All these things go toward telling you who you are in a number of ways. This is not a problem, based on you not being fully conscious of it happening. But if all of a sudden the slate was wiped clean, how would you manage? Hope that makes sense. I suppose it's like if you did a factory reset in a way. The one thing that led me out of what became a highly distressing state of open mindedness and an inability to establish some form of reality was grounding. Researching grounding exercises may be of some help. Btw, unless someone's been through having no sense of reality, they really can't understand how genuinely terrifying it can feel.

Not sure if it will help but I've found that there are always new facets of me coming to life based on the challenges I face over time. We are definitely multifaceted creatures, that's for sure. If you imagine an old style wagon wheel with all the spokes meeting the hub in the middle, you could say those spokes can represent the adventurer in us, the risk taker, the philosopher, the warrior who'll just about fight to the death to defend the heart, the passionate lover, the natural stresser, the sage and so on. Each facet has a different nature. That hub or core sense of self is what manages the whole shabang. So, you could have the philosopher asking 'What is life really about?', the pessimist dictating 'It's a waste of time' and the sage proclaiming 'You need to find the meaning of life, to know why you're here' all at the same time. And then you could have your core sense of self suddenly yell 'Shut up!'. With the core aspect being the grounding aspect, it holds the reigns on every facet of what makes up who we are. If there's no core sense of self, it can all feel completely out of control.

[chociloni]

Hi Plushelephant,

I don't think there's anything wrong with the thoughts 'how am I even alive', 'why do we live', as another member said below they're philosophical questions, and a lot of people think them. They're valid and don't really make sense to me either lol. 'what's the point of feeling good' though is a sign of depression in some way I'd say. You deserve to feel good. I have always grown up thinking 'Am I even real?' People have said this comes from childhood and not feeling seen, and not connecting with family members, which is true but I still have a lot of confusion around this. 

[CountingCrows1]

Hello, how are you? I hope you are feeling much better these days.

Existential thinking is purposeful to an extent but it is not useful if it becomes a barrier to maintaining healthy wellbeing and mindset. I am sure you know this already :). With dpdr, it is best to steer away from unhealthy forms of existentialism. If you are prone to existentialism, you could try to channel that skill into something useful and healthy that contributes positively to your life. For example, reading interesting books, watching documentaries, studying or writing on topics that do not make you feel more disconnected. Some topics are triggers for furthering the dpdr cycle or feeding symptoms, other topics capture our imagination and focus our thoughts, giving our mind a break from the cycle of dpdr. I guess it is about observing what boundaries you might like to put in place to keep yourself healthy and observing other ways that make you feel better regarding deep/existential thinking. For me, I kept my mindset very simple and stayed away from too much stimulation for a few years, which really helped to re-set and recover from the dpdr. After that, I slowly filtered in ways of thinking that could be a bit deeper and tried to do it in a healthy way. Example, I started studying history and speaking with people about history, which really helped me to have the intellectual stimulation I needed, but did not end up in the existential dread cycle, for example if I was to study consciousness or simulation theory haha then I would get myself in trouble. 

With many of those deep questions you raise, it is tuning in to our own mortality and being hyper aware of oneself. This type of thinking can be beneficial and constructive for helping us to make changes and improve our lives; but it could also be detrimental if we dwell on it or lose our motivation in life. It might help to try to make some guesses to answer those questions, just enough to satisfy your own curiosity, without researching too much or over-thinking. We are never going to get a true answer to these big life questions, so all we can do is make a few guesses and then try to think about whats next after that, which is usually "ok so I have made some guesses for those questions, but what do I do with my life next that makes sense in this framework?" This is kind of like defining what life means to you and then how to live meaningfully according to your beliefs. Once you have found some meaning, the direction can be created and the direction becomes meaningful, which gives you purpose. For example, I would answer "why do we live" as: "I don't know why we live, maybe it is a simulation of some type. Regardless, I think we are being judged eventually by the choices we make in life. What does this mean for me and how I live my life? I should try to make healthy choices for myself and be kind to others where possible. But also realise that I am human and make mistakes. Which means that it is my intention that really matters, to become a better person, and I will work on the answer for how to do that as I go." This is what I have decided as my answer many times and it is enough to satisfy me so that I can move past those thoughts when they come up and just brush them off. Sometimes those thoughts come up when I need to make adjustments or reevaluate and it can be useful at that stage to think things over again. Otherwise I avoid this type of thinking because I am moving in the meaningful direction I created. 

So have a bit of a think how to answer the questions and what to do next with that information. I hope it helps you to move past the existentialism.