This is a rant because I can't tell anyone in my life what I am going through, so I want to write it here. The rant is directed at the teachers who judge me at university, because I occasionally appear a tiny bit abnormal or spaced out. Because I have DPDR and I am managing my debilitating and frightening symptoms while trying to appear normal in conversation. Masking.
Depersonalisation disorder is a hidden illness and it is frustrating to have this through university because I can't tell the teachers about it due to stigma. They think I am 'only suffering from anxiety' and judge me because "they have anxiety too".
DPDR fluctuated with stress level. Fact. Imagine being in final year and juggling a lot of competing priorities - it would cause a lot of stress, particularly if there were also life stressors and fatigue involved, correct? So it is logical to suggest that the symptoms of DPDR increase during this time also, making it nearly impossible for me to navigate my studies at no fault of my own. This is NOT my fault and I am tired of teaching staff treating my like I am lazy because I appear normal sometimes, or treating me like I am incompetent because I appear anxious and scattered sometimes.
The anxious and scattered version of me is the DPDR me. It is NOT an accurate representation of who I am in the real world, when I don't have all of these stressors happening. It is NOT an accurate representation of my intellect, or my academic capabilities and it is NOT an accurate representation of my attitude towards my degree or the university. I care very much about my degree and my future career. That's a part of the reason why I am so stressed. Because I actually care. I am NOT lazy, incompetent, unstable, slow or stupid. That is the DPDR you are judging, not ME.
I have a hidden disability - a legitimate disability! One that makes every day a living hell and I am in SO much pain, trying my best to get through each day and then smile and have conversations with everyone as though I am fine at university. I am not fine. If you only knew what it was like under this high level of symptoms, you would fully understand and be supportive. You would be crying after one day of this hell if you felt it. I can barely function each day right now. If I make it to university I only speak with teachers the whole week. So thanks for discriminating against me and making me feel ridiculous and stupid in the only interactions with people that I can manage to have. Cheers.
