Anxiety and depression

Nemo

Afternoon all

my adult son has anxiety and hoarding and lives in my investment unit for 5 years ,refuses to pay rent for 4 years, I have had the unit renovated over one year ago and cleaned by hoarding specialist at my exorbitant expense,no insurance as he wouldn’t let real estate in to do inspections and I was too worried about him to jet the real estate evict him .He has not had counseling at all and refuses to persue professional help.I want to give him notice to move out and only be available for emotional support.The unit is getting damaged and I can’t afford to pay for it anymore.

Merricat

Hi Nemo

Firstly a big warm welcome to you in what must be a very stressful time for you and your son.

It must be frustrating that your son has dug his heels in and refuses all help. This is, as I'm sure you already know, a classic response as the objects that your son is attached to means something significant to him. The internet is full of why people hoard, and the recommended treatment plan, but not so helpful with suggestions on how to get the person who hoards to recognise they have a problem.

I noticed ADHD and OCD seem to come up in the literature on hoarding. Does that ring any bells with your son? Have you tried offering setting up an appointment with his local GP and going with him to the GP for moral support?

Dealing with hoarders takes enormous patience and understanding but that's easier said than done. I think you need to seek advise before doing anything.

Type "hoarding" into the BB forum search bar and you'll be able to read other people's posts about hoarding.
Ring the government Mental Health Services in your state as they could put a strategy in place for you. A social worker could come with you to talk to your son, that way it will be a safe environment for all.
Check out the universities who research hoarding as they may be able to give you valuable info on how to move forward. Professor Jessica Grisham, School of Pyschology at the University of NSW, is an academic clinical pychologist whose research interests include OCD and hoarding. If you type her name and UNSW into the internet search bar it will give you her contact details.

I live next to two hoarders and as I type this post their relatives are trying to clear as much as they can as these people are in their 80's and their house is a fire hazzard. Unless you know someone, or live next door to a hoarder, you can never really understand how difficult it is. I just saw two of the helpers hugging one another for moral support.

I truely hope you have support as you will need it. Sending you best wishes and hugs. 🫂

Merricat 🐱

tranzcrybe

It might help if you can decide categorically if he is to be treated as your son or your tenant as there seems to be a grey area of rights and responsibilities (moral, ethical, and legal) muddying the waters.
As a tenant, there would be a binding agreement signed by all parties which you can simply enforce with an eviction notice (claiming damages and unpaid rent through the courts).
As your son, such tenancy protection might not apply and you would have little recourse (and even throwing him out might not be so straightforward if challenged).
The best option might be to relocate him to another property with a formal lease agreement given his disregard for your generosity. He could need specialist accommodation if unable to look after himself so a chat to his/your GP should lead to some assessment of his capacity.

ABC01

Dear Nemo,

I am sorry you are confronted with such a tricky situation.

Your post comes across as overwhelming to you and I would like to remind you to look after yourself in these times too. Mindfully and practically.

As others have said, it is tricky because this is your family and you care about what happens to them.

But you also need to look after yourself too. As you have pointed out, you can’t afford to pay for it anymore. There should be no guilt or shame from you. You have been very generous. I am not sure if I have heard of any one being this generous.

I don’t have an answer for you unfortunately. But you are willing to be there for your son emotionally if he has to move out. That means something . And you care. Unfortunately in today’s world, if you keep going like this, it may cost you more. Personally and financially. And you have done the hard work to get what you do have today. You also have the right to do what you need to with your property. It is just logistically, how you achieve that. And I empathise with you,how difficult this must be for you.

I hope you find the answers you need to soon,

ABC01