Anxiety and depression leading to intrusive thoughts.

[Barkieboi]

First of all, I'll share a little about myself and how I've got to the stage I'm at now in regards to my anxiety.

So, like many people, my anxiety is hereditary. It's wreaked havoc through generations on my mums side of the family and to a lesser extent, my dads side. Unfortunately due to binge drinking in my earlier years, my anxiety has snowballed over the last few years.

Recently though, I've had very severe episodes of anxiety and depression which, in turn, sets off the intrusive thoughts. Some episodes have risen after a big night of alcohol, others, simply because I've seen an advert about bowel cancer on tv or a post on Facebook about HIV. It sets the ball rolling and I can't stop the thoughts. I'm on medication and seeking therapy but at times when i have an episode, I'm too overwhelmed by guilt and grief to implement my strategies. It rock's me to my core.

As I speak now, I'm currently battling the worst intrusive thought's I've ever experienced. I stupidly missed my medication for 3 days which subsequently sparked my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. My medication has been upped and I'm going to my psychologist on Wednesday. I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar and how you got through it? I'm so petrified that it won't pass and that my psychologist will think I'm a monster because of these thoughts I keep having and the anxiety I keep battling. I have a loving partner who supports me and family that have been my rock but I feel I just need to love myself too. I care for everyone around me, I'm a kind and caring person but I'm just struggling to feel this way about myself. I avoid going places and doing things that might trigger my anxiety.

This is tearing me apart... If anyone has any suggestions or advice, it would be much appreciated.

kind regards, Adz

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Adz,

Welcome and thanks for posting. I'm sorry that you've been having a tough time and it sounds like it's been hard. Intrusive thoughts can be very difficult to live with; but they are only 'thoughts'. We have so many thoughts per day both intrusive and non-intrusive but the difference is in how we attach with them. You said that your psychologist will think you're a monster - you're no monster. Reminding yourself that these are 'thoughts' can be incredibly helpful in separating yourself from the intrusion.

I find that it can be very helpful for people to have a release, or a coping mechanism for when they start to feel a bit out of control. This might be physical activity, or emotional - writing, art, keeping busy - anything that can help you feel a bit more grounded. Some people even use meditation or even sensory grounding to help them stay focused and centred.

If you can, try to remember what sorts of things sets off these feelings - you mentioned an ad about Bowel Cancer or HIV. If this is a trigger for you or you know what your triggers are you can work to eliminate them or manage your life around them. When the TV ad break comes on, you might consider muting it, or even distracting yourself until it passes. There are also ways to 'hide' adverts and posts on Facebook so you can control your newsfeed better. Often this can be a great way to feel a little bit more in control. Alternatively, you might find that when you feel 'triggered' you can walk into another space that helps you to feel calmer. Often people use this for trauma and PTSD but this works well for anything.

[Barkieboi]

Thank's so much for your response romantic_tgi3f, it means a lot that you took your time to respond and with such kind words as well. I'll definitely take your advice on board, thanks so much 🙂

[Cornstarch]

Without knowing your personal history I don't want to assume that intrusive thoughts are a result of something terrible, because they can also simply be part of anxiety and depression. I made that mistake on this forum before.

I know heaps of people who experience them without having had any childhood/current distress or trauma. They just seem to be part and parcel of mental health issues unfortunately.

My own are specifically related to particular things/events/relationships and people. The shame of them was so intense that I couldn't even tell my clinical psychologist. I told her I was frozen and I cannot speak. That my therapy had come to an impasse. Could I please start writing to you instead. And she said yes. So I wrote them down because I was not able to talk, and she read them. She classed them as 'completely normal' and were 'textbook' trauma reactions .

Again, I was my own worst enemy.

Maybe your therapist would be open to unconventional ways of communicating that could cut through the shame?

[Barkieboi]

Thanks for the reply Cornstarch, i really appreciate it.

I had a really good childhood and upbringing, my parents are some of the most loving people that i know and without their support i don't know where i would be today. So that's a no to the delicately put question about any childhood trauma.

What makes things so difficult is a lot of these episodes arise from nothing more than a simple, far-fetched thought. I haven't had these particular problems in my past worries, so opening up to my psychologist about them is going to be tough. Your suggestion about writing them down could be an alternative solution if i have trouble though.

Thank you for taking the time to open up about your own struggles with anxiety, it really means a lot to have this support. Take care

[Muddlee]

Hey Adz,

Intrusive thoughts really do suck. But you're not alone pal. I have had - and still do have - some really disturbing, eye catching and even saddening thoughts/images. They're just part and parcel of anxiety unfortunately. But with some clever tactics and committed approaches you can still have them but not even realise they're there. Different therapists have different ways of treating intrusive thoughts so if you keep looking around i'm sure you'll find one who specifically helps you with them and you're anxious symptoms as well.

I've had some shockers in the past but here's what really helped me in managing them:

- write down your"sticky thoughts" - you mentoined earlier your struggle specifically with bowel cancer/hiv thoughts so write them down, identify them and associate yourself with them - distracting yourself or controlling them will only make them worse, way worse.

- try to accept and challenge your intrusive thoughts - this may seem far fetched now (as it did to me about a year ago) but facing your thoughts, sticking it out and challenging them, without fighting, will do you wonders in the long run. You get to a stage where the thoughts become boring because you get so used to them. This reduces your fear and allows you to move on much quicker everytime.

- let the thoughts come - don't stop them, because once again you'll only make them worse.

Hope this helps :))

Muddlee

[geoff]

hi Adz, intrusives thoughts are linked to OCD which I've had for 56 years and they frequently seem to take over our mind and create havoc, but if by chance these thoughts have happened before about another issue, can I ask you whether they have come through and happened, probably not, although it's a fear you have but again they won't come through, but maybe it's hate to understand, but when it comes to having bowel cancer, well anyone of us could get it, we may think about having a heart attack and this could be a real fear even though you are healthy, but no one knows and no one can predict that any of these will happen.
When people have these thoughts about hurting their child, they certainly won't, all it means is that you are protecting your child so that no one else will hurt them, so you keep a close watch on them,it's a different of how you do actually protect them.

When you think about bowel cancer then look at your situation, are there any signs, and if you do see some blood it could be polyps and this is common and what your doctor will first of all suggest.
To miss your medication for 3 days, maybe you wanted to stop taking them or see how you would go without them, but you do need to continue taking them, not tht I'm a doctor, but I know that I won't be stopping my medication, I don't want to have to fall back and have all of these thoughts dominate, and in saying this, now if an intrusive thought comes along I now turn my back on it and say it's only trying to bluff me. Geoff.

[Barkieboi]

Thanks so much Muddlee and Geoff, your support and information in regards to these issues is really appreciated.

I know it's not going to be easy and it will take time, but I have hope that I'll get through this and learn to live and cope with my anxiety like you guys do. Take care guys

[Gruffudd]

Hi Adz,

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

Where to start? Yes, I have been in my own version of that anxiety. A long time ago before I had the internet to help me self diagnose, I had heard on the radio that the first symptoms of HIV infection can be similar to a cold. So I was a bit anxious, and the depression was there, and I hadn't gone and sorted out that with a doctor yet. I got myself very worried, it turned out that I had caught the common cold but being in a high risk group I could find many things to feed the anxiety, despite doing all the right things to stay safe.

So to be practical. I realised that I could do some things to avoid playing into my anxiety and making it worse. They were all little things. Little things that I enjoy or just don't hate doing. Gardening, drawing, ice-cream, getting a cup of coffee at the cafe opposite the fire station and watching men in uniforms, listening to BBC radio 4 or Radio National, exploring a town or part of the city where I have never been... It is helpful to make a bit of a list and scheduling the little things in if you are in the middle of the depression and anxiety. Another part for me was catching my thoughts and rewording them to be more reasonable and positive, that was hard. At first rewording seemed fake, but over time, it got more convincing. And yes, I have conversations with myself...

I think the other part is to have some friends or a community like Beyond Blue where you can talk about those thoughts in a safe way. I find when I share it, or how I feel about it, I hear myself and get a little perspective, and others support which is kind of nice. So I'm happy to be one of the people here who listens.

Rob.