Anxiety after losing my first child

[Bubblenut]

Hi there,

I just wanted to say to everyone how strong you are for taking that step to sign up here. It has taken me a few years, I have been on this site a few times in the past few years. Depression has been apart of my life on and off and I am quite aware of it creeping in and generally am quite equipped with dealing with it, sometimes not so much. After having two miscarriages and then losing my first born son at 17 days old at full term due to a genetic condition and a very complicated pregnancy, I have learnt that I am different person and i will never be that person i was. This took a few years to realise. I have had two more healthy children since but have found anxiety creeping in. At first i had no idea what it was, I just assumed it was me being a paranoid mother. But i have noticed it getting more invasive. I sometimes have to bring my kids into my bed incase armed intruders get into my house and I have to choose between what child i go to first and conjure up horrible fears of not being able to get to one or both in time. Sometimes i can quash those fears and go to sleep, othertimes it gets the better of me. Everytime i get in the car with my kids I have to mentally talk to myself that we are not going to die today. Or playing out the front and getting hit by a car so i teach them about road safety as much as i can...nag even. But that gut wrench feeling and sickness sometimes forces me and the kids inside and out the back. I have found ways to push through these moments or find ways to ease the fear by bringing my kids in bed with me...but it does make for a bad night sleep. I guess what i am getting at is, will i always be like this?? Will i always have to fight through these feelings of fear and anxiety of my other two children dying? Are there better/other options for me to deal with this? Or is this the rest of my life? I don't want to cotton ball my kids.

[White_Rose]

Dear Bubblenut

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry you have had these horrid events in your life. My daughter miscarried at 19 weeks so I can relate to you to some extent. Thank you for writing in here and trusting us with your story. This is a huge step for many people and it does take courage.

Anxiety is a sneaky illness creeping into our lives as you have described. I believe we can get rid of it or at least keep it manageable when we know all about how anxiety works and work on our own fears with the help of someone who has that skill. Have you looked around the site at all? If not I suggest you explore the blue tabs at the top of the page and read the information on anxiety. BB will send you any of this information you want or you can download it.

The other part, learning how to manage is more difficult. I suggest you go and have a chat to your GP as a start. I'm sure you have read this type of advice in your explorations of BB. It really is a good idea to start with your GP who I presume knows you reasonably well. Having two children usually means you visit the doctor more frequently than those without children.

In some ways worrying about your children having accidents etc is quite normal. That's what mom's do. I say this so you know the whole thing about worry is not an exclusive experience of yours. It happens to moms. So don't be too hard on yourself. It would be more of a worry if no one cared about their children.

Make an appointment with your GP and I suggest you copy your post and print it out to give to your doctor. You have told your story very well, which must have been hard, but says all the difficulties you are having. I cannot tell you what your doctor will say but I expect she/he will suggest you visit a psychologist for a while.

Psychologists let you talk about your life so that everything is on the table so to speak before working out with you how to manage these sad events. They are skilled in this area. It will take a little while and may feel more painful at times.

If paying for these visits is a problem talk to your GP about having a mental health plan with Medicare subsidised psychologists consultations. It's best to discuss this with your GP.

I hope you find this post useful to you and you will continue to write in. I'm sure other people will be along soon to chat.

Mary

[Bubblenut]

Thank you Mary for your very in depth response. I sincerely appreciate the effort and thought. I have just gone back and reread the BB anxiety page which was helpful...i should have gone back their first in hindsight. I was in a bit of a hole/bad night last night when i wrote that.

I have been the a psychologist before a few times through the GP medicare scheme. I had a bad bout of depression about two years ago. I lost my son in 2009, the first couple of years after that was difficult, I have more good days or even months now than bad ones. But maybe two or three times a year i will crash for a week or more. And I usually go back to the doc, but this time My anxiety is higher than normal.

thank you

Kate

[White_Rose]

Hello Kate

Thanks for your reply. It is good to know you have help readily available. I know the pain and hurt lasts a long time and keeping yourself going can be challenging. The son of a friend of mine was killed in a work accident when he was 23. As you can imagine his parents were devastated. Someone told his mom, "You will never forget, but the intervals between remembering get longer". I think that was a kind thing to say and tremendously helpful. My friend found it helpful.

When you are in a tizz it's difficult to think straight. Writing in here to express your pain is why BB is here, and it actually was the right thing to do. We are always here to 'talk' to you. It would be good to do so in person but we must content ourselves with cyber space. Have you considered going back to the psychologist? If the person you saw before was someone you could connect with perhaps it would be useful to go there again. Alternatively you could go to Relationships Australia. Each state has its own organisation.

I still remember holding my stillborn grandson for a short time after his birth. I would not give that experience away and I still cry when I remember it. He was born in 2008. Grief can last a long time and we learn to live with it. It seems at time it will never go away and I believe this is true. Below is a poem I read at his funeral. I would like to dedicate it to you and your lost children.

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) By the Dixie Chicks

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pyjamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

I hope you like the poem and that it helps you. Write in as often as you would like.

Mary

[Bubblenut]

Hi Mary,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your grandchild and the loss that is felt throught the family. And also for the loss of your friends son. Losing a child nomatter their age can be devestating for all those involved.

I don't think i clicked that well with the psychologist i saw but the effort and process to actually go see her was enough of a detterant not to search for another. Otherwise i may have not actually gone in be first place. I found it hard to talk as an hour session is just not long enough and she kept checking the clock, which i guess is understandable but it made it hard to feel like you were being listened too. If you know what i mean??

I held my son as he passed away in my arms. It wasn't a quick and painless death...we had all assistance removed the night before and the morning we had his nasal stents removed and he passed a few hours later... hearing him struggles still grips my heart to this day and it feels like i am back in that tiny hospital room. We bathed him for the first time afterwards which was hard...leaving that hospital without him was excruciating... we got to hold hil again before his funeral which my hubby wasn't keen on but in the end he was glad he did.

thank you for your beautiful poem.

Kate

[White_Rose]

Hello Kate

Glad you liked the poem. I usually get a bit weepy when I read it but it's not bad weeping. Sometimes going back to mourn for a short time is good.

I cannot imagine how terrible it must have been to watch your baby struggle for life. I am so sorry you had this horrid experience. I would love to put my arms around you and hug you tight.

It is important that you feel comfortable with your psych. She is very tactless to keep looking at the time. I went to one psych who programmed his phone alarm to go off about ten minutes before the end of the session. It didn't make a noise, just vibrated in his shirt pocket. Far nicer. Your psych needs to put a clock on the wall where she can see it without being obvious, or come up with another way of checking time. I wonder how she would feel if you told how her habit of looking at a clock was distracting and made you feel you were not being listened to.

I think they need this kind of feedback occasionally and if it is said nicely they should take heed. I remember telling a psych I was fed up with him falling asleep because it was rude and made me feel worthless. I think he tried but whether or not he had some medical condition I don't know. I left.

An hour seems to fly by when you are talking to a psych. I understand you want to get everything out and sorted but it does not work this way. A little at a time is the best way. If you could make a complete dump of information I think both you and the psych would be overwhelmed. It's frustrating but does work better to go slowly.

Take care of yourself.

Mary