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An apparently 'successful' person with mental illness who is struggling with the notion of going back to work – Please help
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I've stopped work and taken over three months leave so far. My diagnosis is depression (with mixed anxiety), generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I'm seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist every fortnight or so. Also, I'm on medication. I have had other medications in the past. My sick leave will be exhausted soon and for some unclear period of time at this stage I will be on income protection while I recover.
After a sustained period of working hard I've become burnt out, exhausted, cynical and anxious. This didn't come out of nowhere. I was finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed and make the 1.5 hour or so journey each way to work every day. This led me to increasingly arrive late or abruptly call in sick. In the end, despite my efforts to undertake a herculean task I was unable to finish the task on time. Nor was I able to finish the task by the several rescheduled due dates that followed. I was spent. Exhausted. This was 'the straw that broke the camel's back' as such.
At the moment, I may not be 'rational', but I find it hard to imagine going back to work: where I was; or somewhere else. The stress is just too much to handle.
I feel that my depression and anxiety are discounted and misunderstood a bit because I'm ostensibly 'successful'. It has been very difficult to achieve what I have. For the last 8 years, at the very least, I have had to deal with the repeated fallout of working too hard (a virtue, something society praises and admires – despite the emotional turmoil it can create). This instance is the worst ever for me. I feel thoroughly broken. I have thought long and hard about how to solve this problem solve. But I'm just exasperated. I spend much of my days just sleeping at the moment.
Has anyone else struggled similarly with the idea of returning to work? If so, what did you do and what were the outcomes? What would you suggest?
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Hi Make the world a better Place,
Thank you for sharing your journey. You've articulated what I've felt but not been able to express.
I went through a nasty marriage and divorce where my anxiety escalated badly but can identify symptoms for many years before that. That final experience coincided with a workplace that had high demands and very little compassion. As my work suffered, instead of stepping back and acknowledging I might need help, they start performance managing me. I was eventually demoted and finally made redundant.
I should have quit long before it came to that, but the prospect of finding new work with a mortgage and personal loan payments looming, plus the security of no change left me paralysed. I did nothing to prevent the train wreck that was inevitable.
In brief, it took me 6 months to find work all without mortgage protection insurance (poor advice I should haver have listened to). I then got a job at half the pay but still managed to get back on top of the mortgage, only to have the company go into receivership so out of a job again with NO savings. I sold the house, paid off all my debts with little to show for it, and am now a stay at home mum on benefits.
My parents raised me with a career orientated mindset, so to have gone from a project management role of million dollar projects to a Centrelink recipient with no immediate plans to re-enter the workforce has been difficult for me to come to terms with, and has put significant strain on relationships with my family.
I want to commend you for taking so much initiative in preventing a catastrophe. I would also humbly suggest it is okay to "go backwards" and go from home ownership and debts with a career to a part time debt free renter, if that's what it takes to have a healthy mind and heal.
I know at some point I will have to re-enter the workforce, but I have no idea how I will do that. I have no desire to go back to my chosen industry, too much stress and insecurity. For now I'm just weary, I don't know how else to articulate it.
All the best to you,
Chickenhead
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Thank you for sharing your own life experiences. I completely agree, "...it is okay to "go backwards" and go from home ownership and debts with a career to a part time debt free renter, if that's what it takes to have a healthy mind and heal." It can feel hard to do I think. For a long while I've had a very ridged mind in terms of lots of things; my desires, aims and ambitions in life. But to cope and to have a healthy mind and heal; I've found I have needed to allow myself to be more flexible in my thinking. When those around me have had firm ideas of what success is in life (e.g. materialistic and extrinsically oriented) I've found this to be a challenge. Especially, because I seem to be easily swayed and I'm keen to please others. I'm tempted to commence a long politically charged rant here but I'll contain myself. For me, being a single guy, I just have to steadfastly remind myself that it's my life to live. I have reconciled myself with going backwards and I'm okay with this. It does make me feel better to know others think this is acceptable too. I'm lucky in that I may be able to avoid this, at least for a while.
The stress, the fierce competition and the precarious positions can be very unforgiving. I have to remind myself that I shouldn't return to the same circumstances that led to this crisis. Weary is an excellent way to describe it. I am also uncertain about the transition back to work. Time will tell how things transpire.
All the best to you too Chickenhead and thank you for sharing.
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Chickenhead, something that was discussed with me among many other issues was the issue of whether I thought I would go back to work. I'm less confident than I was about this, but the person I spoke with mentioned the issue of motivation. When you're weary and everything is an effort the just the word motivation can rub me the wrong way. But something that you're attracted to naturally, might be the a helpful type of work to consider. Perhaps there is a spark of interest in something which could be nurtured with small successes initially.
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Hi Make the World a Better Place,
TBH I was a little shocked and saddened to read about your last 24 hours. I'm sorry you reached that point, and I'm relieved to read you are receiving help.
I get what you mean about motivation. It rubs me up the wrong way too. I think because the assumption is that lack of motivation equals laziness. I am not lazy! If someone understood the effort it takes me to get up and do what they consider so little by their own standards, then they would know just how not lazy I am. The energy expense seems to be significantly more for me than the average person, the issue is not lack of motivation.
But, that doesn't mean the advice is poor. I've thought about this a lot and I see a couple of aspects. The topic may be of interest, which is how I chose the industry I'm skilled in. Another aspect is a skill which may be enjoyable. I trained as a project manager but in the first few years on the job we started with budget, schedule and data management. I really enjoyed that work and was very good at it, unfortunately I was promoted toward people management, not so good when you have anxiety around social interactions.
The job I had that the company went into receivership was a data entry position. I was extremely overqualified but I loved that job! It played to my strengths; I streamlined the data input process, rewrote all the procedures, and made a 5 day workload achievable in 3.5 days. I then used the extra time to generate new processes and reports more useful to management, because that was the info I would have wanted to see if I was a manager there. All for $55K/yr because that's all the job description called for.
I guess the hurdle I'm unsure about is how to get a job that I know I would be good at and enjoy, but am so overqualified and experienced for. Do I try and get a qualification to represent the skill I already have but ironically would look more suitable on my resume as it's far less than the qualifications I already have?
I know there's an answer for me, it's just finding it which is the tricky part. I haven't had the opportunity to have professionals give that sort of input, so it's awesome if you can get that sort of guidance. Perhaps there's a specific skill that you could hone in on even if the job is in a different industry/application?
Thank you for thinking of me when you received that advice. I really do appreciate it.
Take care of yourself,
Chickenhead
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Hey.
I've been reading in here because I found it a source of solace. The whole it's OK to go backwards. Yes,it is! I also want to thank everyone for opening up about their personal experience and for their information. I was interested so kept reading then......
You- Make the World a Better place wrote something that I felt I should respond to. Was just going to stay quiet.
I hope you are OK and it's OK not to be OK. I've taken the hardest hits in life. At one stage I was homeless sleeping outside, with a car, and yep when everything became overbearing I tried to not be here.
But like you- I SURVIVED.
U just have to on a string if u have to- HANG ON.
Even if u have mental illness...u still have a lot to offer.
Anyhow a HUGE HEARTFELT glad u r still here.
From one person to another.
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You said that:
"I'm unsure about is how to get a job that I know I would be good at and enjoy, but am so overqualified and experienced for."
I have experienced this myself for in the past. One of my proposed solutions to an earlier period of distress was that I decided I was going to change careers to something I was overqualified for. However, I really struggled to get any traction with my job applications. I just couldn't get an interview. I can only speculate about why. I started doing a much lower level qualification remotely so that I would appear to be a better fit for the job. I think this helped me to look like a suitable candidate. Being overqualified can make it a real challenge :(.
In the end, I was lured away by the prospect of a much higher paying job in an area I was more appropriately qualified for. I actually found it much more straightforward to get interviews this way and the money was better. But I sensed that I'd just end up in another state of crisis a little further down the road. This is exactly what happened for me.
I seem to have repeated this experience throughout my life, redefining my 'lowest point' recently. I feel like I need a job with an automatic protection mechanism in it, to avoid burnout etc... Trying to tweak behaviours and/or ways of thinking isn't something I've been able to sustain in the past :(.
I'm not sure what the answer is unfortunately.
I'm glad that you appreciate me sharing my thoughts Chickenhead. I'm simply using my own introspection which is naturally based on my own experiences. I wish I knew everything and was able to be more helpful.
Take care and all the best.
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Thank you for reaching out to provide support. I am reeling from the constant support I have received from the hospital and family and friends. I find social interactions exhausting. So despite the well-intended efforts of many people, I've really just wanted some time to myself.
I regret what happened. I don't intend to do it again. I have many measures in place to minimising the risk of it happening again. I feel okay at the moment, just tired. Admittedly, though I have been very volatile and impulsive. You're right, it's important to hang in there at the lowest points.
Thank you for your kindness and compassion and sharing your experiences too. I hope that I will be steadier in myself in the future. And I'm hopeful that I will sort myself regarding my longer term plans for work etc...
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Hi MTW
Great to have you on the forums....Just my humble thoughts on being volatile and impulsive.....This is very common when we have a 'tired' mind.....I understand where you are coming from and yes its a bad place to be in
I realise that your career is important to you MTW....as mine has been too. You mentioned exactly what I have struggling with for a long time..... "For a long while I've had a very ridged mind in terms of lots of things; my desires, aims and ambitions in life"
Ditto here MTW...I feel like I am reading my own history when I read your posts
I hope that Friday is good to you
you are far from being alone
my kind thoughts for you
Paul
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Hi Paul,
I hope Friday is good to you too. It is great to know that there are other people out there who can relate to my experiences. Discovering this forum has been both eye-opening and a source of comfort/support for me.
Take care.
