An apparently 'successful' person with mental illness who is struggling with the notion of going back to work – Please help

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎11-10-2018

To the outside observer I'm a very 'successful' person. I'm a single guy, 32 years of age, I live a alone. I get on well with family. I have a few good friends. I have a PhD. I have a job as a researcher. I have a house that I'm paying off and a car that I own. Outside of work I haven't really had much else one. I have done well at work, but I'm now burnt out. I have worked extremely long hours (+weekends) doing lots of work that is itself hard to do.

I've stopped work and taken over three months leave so far. My diagnosis is depression (with mixed anxiety), generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I'm seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist every fortnight or so. Also, I'm on medication. I have had other medications in the past. My sick leave will be exhausted soon and for some unclear period of time at this stage I will be on income protection while I recover.

After a sustained period of working hard I've become burnt out, exhausted, cynical and anxious. This didn't come out of nowhere. I was finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed and make the 1.5 hour or so journey each way to work every day. This led me to increasingly arrive late or abruptly call in sick. In the end, despite my efforts to undertake a herculean task I was unable to finish the task on time. Nor was I able to finish the task by the several rescheduled due dates that followed. I was spent. Exhausted. This was 'the straw that broke the camel's back' as such.

At the moment, I may not be 'rational', but I find it hard to imagine going back to work: where I was; or somewhere else. The stress is just too much to handle.

I feel that my depression and anxiety are discounted and misunderstood a bit because I'm ostensibly 'successful'. It has been very difficult to achieve what I have. For the last 8 years, at the very least, I have had to deal with the repeated fallout of working too hard (a virtue, something society praises and admires – despite the emotional turmoil it can create). This instance is the worst ever for me. I feel thoroughly broken. I have thought long and hard about how to solve this problem solve. But I'm just exasperated. I spend much of my days just sleeping at the moment.

Has anyone else struggled similarly with the idea of returning to work? If so, what did you do and what were the outcomes? What would you suggest?

AnxiousExec · ‎15-10-2018

Hi NMTB,

Thank you for sharing what you have experienced and where you are currently at. I like your analogy of the footballer who’s body can no longer handle the game. There possibly is some similarity in that with my issue as it seems that some of the events that currently trigger my anxiety would not have done so last year and therefore the way I’m currently reacting to events at work is not how I would have previously reacted and now shouldn’t.

I do need to remove myself from the work environment and somehow mend, but it’s not the sort of workplace where one can say “I need time off for mental health”. A day or so here and there wouldn’t be missed, but my role is the sort of role that even when I am off (sick leave, annual leave, weekends, evenings) this does not stop the emails and demands coming. You are expected to be available and responding at all times. Usually sick leave just means I’m “working from home”, well that’s the expectation.

I know if I come out to my Directors about needing extended time off for mental health leave, whilst they will outwardly support this, they internally would be discussing how to bring a replacement in. I would therefore have written my own resignation by coming out.

You mention that your legal career ended 10 years ago because of your struggles, may I ask if you are currently still not working and if so, is your insurer still paying a monthly income protection benefit to you?

I’m having would not have

AnxiousExec · ‎15-10-2018

Hi MakeTheWorldABetterPlace,

I agree, coming out at working with a mental health issue is/will be a life changing event. This scares me as like you I’m in my mid 30’s and I have the rest of my life in which to work, if only to pay the mortgage. I fear that if I am unable to go back to my current role - either because of resignation or being gently pushed into a corner upon return - then my ability to find similar employment will be forever diminished and everything I have worked for will be for naught and I’ll have to live with a cross over my name and hard to explain situation (extended abscence) to future employers. Or I’ll be forced to take employment in a role that does not renumerate me to an extent that would support my current mortgage repayments and other fixed costs that I must pay each month.

It is a tough double edged sword. Get help, take time off and get better but then face the struggle of not having a salary you are accustomed to upon your return. Or keep plodding along with discreet help, but continue to struggle and possibly face a further deterioration in mental health.

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎15-10-2018

Hi AnxiousExec,
I'm struggling with these issues obviously myself. I also found NMTB's analogy. I have tried to dabble in work since I've been away and test the waters but my efforts have been short-lived and have increasingly seemed futile.
I think healing from a mental illness is a process and it can take time and the outcomes can be uncertain and different for everyone. I have recently tried to lurch towards recovery and have been reminded that you need to work at healing, like you would with a physical injury going to a physio.
I'd be keen to know how people get by if they aren't able to work. If NMTB is able to provide any further insights or direction that would be appreciated.
AnxiousExec, I would certainly encourage you to get treatment. You might find that psychotherapy and medication do the trick for you. If this is the case, we could be accused of over thinking things a bit. Many people are on medication such as antidepressants. In 2011 according to the ABS, "There were 1.7 million people (7.8% of the Australian population) who had at least one PBS subsidised prescription for Antidepressant medications filled in 2011."
Also, if you have to take time off, you could probably gloss over a shorter absence with a new employer.
Admitting you have a mental health problem and accepting it does feel like it's a step back. But it is a necessary step to treat it. I would encourage you not to be too hard on yourself and to talk with people who genuinely care about your wellbeing and will be understanding and supportive.
My philosophy on life has changed and evolved over time. Acknowledging that I have a mental illness and that I'm not functioning well and that I need to work on recovery seems to be the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It's certainly not a chapter of hedonistic bliss. But it is part of the journey.

blondguy · ‎15-10-2018

Hi MTW

Thankyou for your super kind post and also for providing your assistance/support to AnxiousExec and NMTB

Even though in recovery I still see anxiety as a partially chemical related issue which in turn makes it a physical problem as well. I just wish I knew the earlier its treated the better our peace of mind/recovery would be.

MTW mentioned "we need a more compassionate society"

Thankyou for your understanding and support MTW

my kind thoughts

Paul

NMTB · ‎15-10-2018

Hey AnxiousExec,

Your reply is uncanny in checking all sorts of boxes with me. I was the Principal Legal in a large organisation and as you say, whether I was on sick leave, or indeed away with my family on holiday, it was an unwritten part of my employment contract that the MD or ED's could contact me 24/7 and that I would personally (no delegation to one of my staff) provide advice asap. So, like you, I could not get away from the demands of my position.

At the same time I was taking increasing amounts of prescription medications of the benzodiazepine class, having a shot of scotch before meetings and trialling, under my psychiatrist's supervision, prescription medications of the atypical antipsychotic class. Unsurprisingly, this was taking a serious toll on my physical health.

But, my wife and I, with two young kids (one with significant special needs) had geared financially in accordance with my income and my projected income. So we had a large mortgage, one child at a private school as well as all of the usual bills so I kept going and going ... until I didn't.

I remember working on something in my home office at about 4.30am one morning in preparation for a meeting involving, amongst others, a Minister. I walked to the rear of the house to let the dog out and I recall the sensation of falling. I had fainted, my wife found me an hour later. My body and mind had said "no more". Following advice I took months off work - but the longer I was away , the clearer it became to me I could not go back.

Subsequently I tried less senior work but my capacity, despite trying several different psychiatrists, was shot. I am a disability pensioner and am on the NDIS. Our children are in public education. Payments on the mortgage are interest only. My wife is working as a PhD Research Co-ordinator as well as a carer for myself and our daughter.

It is an understatement to say I never foresaw things working out this way. As difficult as it is, keep an eye out for your health mate, because ultimately, your body will take matters into its own hands.

AnxiousExec · ‎16-10-2018

Hi NMTB,

Again, thanks for sharing. So many of us gear up based on our current and projected incomes on the assumption it will be there. Unfortunately in these days this can not be guaranteed for a number of reasons, including mental health.

I did some research last night about employee rights with regard to extended leave from work due to illness. Apparently once paid leave is exhausted, the protection afforded to an employee on personal leave only extends for three months, thereafter an employer can seek to dismiss you. One of the ways that they can legally do this is by claiming you are unfit for the position. Obviously if you are struggling with mental health issues that is stopping you from working, this would be true. So it seems you have three months to heal, otherwise you have little chance to return to your previous job/income.

This seems a vicious cycle, mental health issues compounded by work and then further mental health issues compounded from being unemployed.

i am worried income protection will not cover someone further than three months, which coincides with when unemployment may kick in.

NMTB · ‎16-10-2018

You do have the option of accessing your super as an income stream due to temporary incapacity. You would have to look into what your particular fund requires obviously.

Cheers.

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎27-10-2018

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm not sure if anyone is following this thread anymore but I just thought I'd provide an update.
After quite a while off I'm finally think I'm feeling a bit steadier in myself. Changes to medication do seem to have had the desired impact. This and both my psychiatrist and psychologist have been giving me some hard truths, 'tough love', a virtual shake.
I'm now seriously re-considering the prospect of going back to work. A quick chat with one of my former colleagues has revealed that some things have of course changed and evolved over time while I've been away. But there is a positive sentiment in terms of the prospect of my return. A willingness and a desire to have me back.
While I think I'm feeling a bit steadier in myself, just a 10 minute phone conversation with a former colleague makes me realise that this steadier feeling in myself is still a bit tentative and there maybe some awkwardness to navigate before we even get to tangible questions of how to transition back to work. This awkwardness wouldn't be the same, there would be no stigma, if I was physically injured.
I think whether or not you sense there is a willingness and a desire for you to come back makes a difference about how you feel about everything. At least this has been my experience so far.
I'm hopeful. I want to guard against returning to old habits but also return to a healthy normal. I know that black and white thinking will be very pernicious as I try to do this. I make the mistake of being all or nothing. I know I need to be considered about things. But I'm also sensing that my current trajectory is for a very sharp and sudden change as my paid leave comes to an abrupt end and there is uncertainty on my part at this stage about whether or not my psychiatrist and psychologist would support more time off and a less abrupt transition.
As an aside for people interested in the details of an income protection policy. With my policy at least, within 6 months of claim if it does reoccur then the waiting period will be waived and the benefits will recommence. The benefit period is reduced by the number of days you were paid under an earlier claim. So there is a safety net.
Thanks again for everyone's input. Take care.

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎28-10-2018

A further update. The newfound steadiness I seemed to have had yesterday turned out to be very fragile. A very emotionally tumultuous followed my last post. I don't think I'm quite, 'fit for public consumption' yet. This will be my final post on this thread. The journey is not necessarily linear and certainly not the same for everyone.

blondguy · ‎28-10-2018

Hi MakeTheWorld

You have do what feels right with yourself. You are highly motivated which is great, and have your income protection set up well too.

I think NMTB has made an excellent point about our health.....NMTB mentioned "As difficult as it is, keep an eye out for your health mate, because ultimately, your body will take matters into its own hands"

Their are no expectations for you to post on the forums. I hope you know you are welcome to post back when its convenient for you. You have created an excellent thread topic which will be open

I know that we are all on the same roller coaster ride MakeTheWorld. Income protection policies aside can I ask you how you are feeling?

You are not alone.

Paul