Am I just wasting everyone’s time?

[Scruffy1]

am I just wasting mine and my therapists time? I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the last couple of months for my anxiety. I’m am struggling to describe what I’m feeling inside when asked. I can describe the feelings I’m getting from the anxiety but other feelings are non existent even when I try to find them I just come up empty all the time.

I can’t remember when I felt other feelings other than the few that I can easily describe.

am I just wasting everyone’s time or do I just need more time to work on it? I really want to keep working on it but if I can’t get past this hurdle I feel there may be little hope of success

[Hope_for_the_best]

You are very proactive and brave in seeking help for your anxiety, as it can be a very difficult step to take. Please be reassured that you are not wasting anyone's time. You are doing a favour for your health, and your psychologist is there to help you. Some feelings are not easy to describe, so try not to stress about them. I also find it difficult to describe my feelings when asked by my psychologist, but nonetheless, she offered great advice on stress management. It is more important to find ways to cope with those feelings, rather than finding the names of them. Have you told your psychologist your concerns written here? It is always helpful for your psychologist to receive feedback from you, so he/she can modify therapy approaches to suit you better.

[geoff]

hello Scruffy, welcome to the site.

Absolutely no, you're not wasting your time at all, because sometimes we know what's troubling us and sometimes we get depressed for no known reason and simply by talking it maybe revealed by what we say.

Maybe if I give you an example, my psychologist kept asking me 'what do I want to do in the future', well there was so much to choose from, but they had been all wiped out from my depression and not interested at all, so the question remained 'what do I want to do', I was blank, I had no idea, but the conversation still continued.

What I discussed with her may have given her some idea that could open that door which was locked, something which I had, but didn't realise, something that will give me the key to the door which will give me the freedom I want.

The door is your hurdle and is there any rush to find the key because this has to be found slowly, there are too many issues to discuss before the key is found. Geoff.

[Scruffy1]

Thank you for the replies. I am probably placing too much emphasis on not being able to answer these simple questions. That is how I have always been.

im just worrying that unless I can answer how I’m feeling that there is very little hope of overcoming my anxiety

i know I should be describing all these wonderful feelings but when I try to I come up blank and anxiety takes over.

i never have any trouble describing anxiety feelings because they are all too common

maybe trying to find these feelings is something I need to work on before next session

[White_Rose]

Dear Scruffy

Hello and welcome. It's great you have posted here to people who struggle with problems similar to yours and those with very different problems. What we have in common is a mental illness, an illness that cannot be seen by others and which opens us up harsh words from others.

I want to make a couple of observations. First you said, I can describe the feelings I’m getting from the anxiety but other feelings are non existent even when I try to find them I just come up empty all the time. And maybe that's the point, you have no other feelings to discuss. Actually I suspect you have lots of feelings but just cannot reach them and it seems you cannot feel anything.

The psychologist job is to help you understand yourself and what presses your buttons. That's no small task. I believe it cannot be managed in a couple of months, unless you really have no difficulties. Since this is not the case please persevere.

Secondly, I wonder if you feel comfortable with the psych. If you do that's great. If not ask your GP for a referral elsewhere. There is no one size fits all.

Thirdly, I really want to keep working on it but if I can’t get past this hurdle I feel there may be little hope of success. It's great you want to keep working on it so don't give up. Hope for the best has asked if you have discussed this with your psych and it's a good point. Why not print out your post above and show him/her. Then you can have a discussion about how to access your feelings.

We forget a lot of things in our lives. I left my husband many years ago and I find it difficult to remember much, if anything, about our lives together. My children tell/remind me and sometimes I can remember, sometimes not. I think I would be a basket case if I allowed myself to get in a tizz.

What other feelings are you trying to describe other than the anxiety feelings? If they are not directly related to your anxiety I'm not surprised it's hard to remember. It's probably not the most important thing in your life at the moment. May I suggest you talk about events and see what feelings come up. It is really difficult to produce any feelings at a moments notice. You may remember that you felt angry/disappointed/happy/on top of the world etc. These are names for your emotions and maybe this what your psych is asking. Describing disappointment, for example, is very hard.

Keep a journal of events and your reactions. This can be of great help. Keep writing in.

Mary

[Scruffy1]

Thanks White Rose

my Psychologist is looking for what I’m feeling inside not names of what I’m feeling. I have never been comfortable talking to anyone about myself in any capacity and having to open up like this to someone who only a couple of months ago was a total stranger is hard for me to do.

I try my hardest to reach inside but as soon as I try anxiety just takes over every time

I have had anxiety to varying degrees most of my life but over the last couple of years it has gotten out of control

This is the first time I have ever sought help for it so I’m in new territory. Luckily I’m comfortable with the psychologist I have. I just don’t want her to give up on me just because I can’t answer some of the questions. I’m sure she wouldn’t but in my mind that is what is going to happen.

i mean it must be hard working with someone when they can only describe one feeling.

i know in my head what are the right things I should be saying but inside I just don’t feel it

we have achieved a couple of things over the last couple of months in that I’m not worrying as much and I’m not putting myself down all the time

so i guess it hasn’t been a total waste of time and realistically it’s going to take more than a half dozen therapy sessions to see any real change

I have another appointment in 2 weeks so I am trying to observe feelings I may have over that tat time and take them observations to the next session rather than trying to find them on the spot. I’ll see if I can do that

[Scruffy1]

I guess what I’m asking is that the phsycologist won’t just write me off as uncooperative or something just because I can’t answer the question will she?

i answer all the others but the one about the feelings I just can’t find an answer

[White_Rose]

Hello Scruffy

It sounds as though your psychologist is helping you a great deal. If she feels she cannot work with you she will not simply abandon you. She is obliged to find someone else. Having said that I must add it is not often psychologists, or any medical professional, gives up on a client. You are reading her words through your own filter of not being worthwhile.

No one believes you are uncooperative. You are a worthy person who is going through some difficulties. Your psych is helping you and will not throw you out.

A little misunderstanding about names and feelings. I understand your psych wants you to describe those feelings and you are struggling with that. This is why I suggest you keep a journal and when an event upsets you write it in your journal to discuss later. It's much easier to describe a feeling when you are in the middle of it. Even if you believe it is a manifestation of your anxiety still write it down. Your may find some of your emotions are not anxiety.

I said These are names for your emotions and maybe this what your psych is asking. It's a start if you can name an emotion. If you can say, "I feel sad about ......" it's much easier to move on to identifying what the sadness feels like. Perhaps you can talk about events in your life to help you remember the emotion that is attached to that memory. Nice or not so nice emotions are easier to identify when you can hang them on an event. Try happy memories as well as the less happy. To start with being able to describe any emotion is good.

You said when you try to describe an emotion your anxiety kicks in. This is why I suggest writing down at the time, how you feel if something presses your buttons. You can then take it with you to the psych. I hope this clarifies what I meant.

Your psychologist will not write you off as uncooperative. You are just starting your therapy and it takes a while to feel comfortable and to feel sufficiently relaxed to talk about yourself. It's incredibly hard. I went to a psychiatrist and found it difficult to talk. He asked what was stopping me and I said it seemed rude to talk about myself all the time. Yes I know, sad. Sigh.

Mary

[Scruffy1]

I came away from my session this week feeling I am finally able to trust my therapist. I’m looking forward to my next session not dreading it like I have the others.

I have a list of things I would like to discuss with her that I feel may help come to the root of my problems. I have tried to bring them up before but incoherently just blurted out stuff that made no sense to me let alone anyone else and I couldn’t bring myself to elaborate on them at the time but now feel ready to.

is this a good plan or should I just let her keep talking and asking the questions and I answer them as best I can?

i don’t want to appear foolish again.

[White_Rose]

Hello Scruffy

Nice to hear from you again and I am so pleased for you that you are now comfortable with your psychologist.

I suspect your psych ask questions to get the conversation going and needs to continue in this way if you stop talking after you feel you have answered the question. It's quite hard work to hold a conversation this way. I think your psych will be pleased if you took the initiative to get the conversational ball rolling.Blurting out concerns is something I do quite often. Nothing wrong with it but hard to get to core of the difficulty.

I have suggested before that you write down your concerns and I think this will help you focus on one topic at a time. By all means write a list and if one point is taken care of before the end of your appointment you can start another.

If you feel you get muddled with your concerns, perhaps you can add a couple of points under each topic or at least the first couple, to remind you where you are going with this. If you feel you have explained fully or do not understand the psych's reply, ask her to stop and give you more time to explain, or to give her reply in a different way.

I once went to a psychiatrist whose answers I struggled with on occasions. I asked him to explain again and he did, in exactly the same words he had used the first time. Made me feel like the idiot child an d I am certain that's not the case. I learned I had to ask about a part of his answer in order to understand the whole answer. Really he should have rephrased his comments when I ask for clarification but no one's perfect.

It's good you are thinking about the causes of your problems. A discussion can help with this and sometimes surprise you by revealing it is something different at the root of the problem, not what you thought. It's a bit disconcerting but when that happens to me it's very much an aha moment. Suddenly everything makes sense and fits together.

Your psych is not a mind reader and while she may happen to mention something you want to talk about the chances are you will be waiting a long time. So yes, tell her you have a list and would like to work through it with her. I think she will be very pleased to know you are more comfortable with her and able to set the agenda.

Mary