a short story "in the dark"

[jonjr]

I would like to share some of my stories about my struggle. I wright them during real moments as a snap shot, I have to edit them into stories as often they can be just a jumble of words or nonsense sentences i scribble down at a point in a journey. i hope you like them

In the dark

Why do I write these short stories, these clips of my life. I guess its to show or even to snap shot the very real pain and struggle that I suffer. I write them in all of the zones of my journey in all of the moments from the fearful times to even the darkest lows. The fear is where I start , oh that familiar feeling , the grip it takes like a throttling motion like a hold on my every exhale that brings dread and fear along for the ride. Strap in I say to my self as the waves crash through me, be strong you can control this feeling it can not get you, yet it does, the grip gets tighter the feeling of fear takes hold it becomes all to real as real as the ground I stand on. The point of no return where the panic and the anxiety have made it to the very edge, the edge where every thing assembles ready to cascade down in a free-fall. The time of talking myself down has gone, the time to find a safe and familiar place is here. Curled up in a tight bundle and tensing my shoulders and body the drop happens. Dread and fear, empathy and love all come at once, theirs no rules to the game theirs no winners ceremony at the end. For me and for now this is life for how ever long it takes to hit the bottom . I don't want to move I don't want to make it worse but I know I need to get help, I know I have to make that call. The journey to hospital feels like it takes for ever then the questions that I can almost re-sight word for word as they are asked. A kind voice in the dark, reassuring me that i am safe, Unsure and terrified I lay down, In the dark all alone In a unwanted but familiar place I can feel the meds hold me as my thoughts turn to sleep.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jonjr,

Thank you so much for your brave and thought provoking short story. It's great to see on the forums.

It sounds like you've been dealing with some incredibly difficult thoughts, feelings and experiences. If you do feel the need to talk about any of the struggles raised in your post, please remember you can use our Beyond Blue support service 24/7, either via phone 1300 22 4636 or online.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

Hello Jonjr.

I notice you've made other posts, but, I've not seen you before now. So, "Hello".

I have a tendancy to write a lot, too. I am very interested to read some of the short stories you've turned into stories. I have found writing to be a most creative & useful way for me to process thoughts, memories & feelings. My only problem is keeping within the character count on these forums! LOL, because I know I need to learn more about how to edit my long-winded stories & get to the nub of them, while retaining substance. It's a challenge.

Thank you, already, for the post above. Your description is such I think many people will be able to relate to & recognise your experience, & see their own reflected back.

Your words of the fear, how it grips & "like a hold of my every exhale", struck home for me. Just yesterday, while trying to write a very difficult email,& surging waves of emotion & associated memory came flooding over me. I, to know now, the waves will flow over, & eventually ease. Storms pass.

Warm & kind wishes to you😺

mmMekitty

[jonjr]

thank you sophie and thank you mmMekitty

To mmMekitty, it is hard to fit them in word wise, i have many stories way longer than the word count, so many, I start by reading through the words. they can be scribbles literally but within them theirs always the truth. Like a photo in time or a quick glimpse at the reality of what is happening. I always have a pen or my phone and just write as a way to calm or distract myself during the times i am sick. i have napkins with crayon " no pens in hospital lol " to note pad savings on my phone. I just select the main theme of the words and make sense of them Often i repeat words or phrases and they become the topic. then i work on re ordering the ramblings. Its hard but it can help in a strange way. I will post some more when i am a bit better, i just find them fascinating even though i write them. There are some truly dark moments that i am still unsure how to piece together but i will try as i feel they are important

[mmMekitty]

Hi Jonjr, 😺

I think it is a lot like piecing together a jig-saw puzzle, not knowing how big it is - just that it is certainly big, & not knowing how many pieces there are, & some are turned over, broken, from other puzzles even, & of-course, some are missing. LOL, maybe they are in someone else's puzzle?

Lots of mixed up pieces, hard to sort out. Do we even want them all? Must we see each of them before we decide? I asked myself that, like, do I really have to look at every piece to make sense of what I already know? I'd still like to fill in gaps, get more answers, but, decades since I began trying to sort out what has been in my head, I realise I won't get all the questions answered, & maybe I don't need them either.

People have suggested writing my autobiography - too many gaps, even incongruous memories, I don't know how to sort out enough to do that.

I have felt it is helpful to tackle some very deep thoughts & feelings, delving into the 'then' & 'now' perspectives I can view. Just that at first, when I first saw a Psychiatrist, I needed to put my thoughts & feelings into words. Then to say them... but writing was so much easier because I'd done that before. I didn't write directly about what I needed most to talk about, but those poems I wrote back then did contain some nuggets of truth.

I find now, when I can find words for what I'm experiencing, the experience becomes less overwhelming, kind of like shrinking a monster down to a manageable size, & turning it into a toy I can play with.

I hope your stay in hospitlal won't be for too much longe, that people there are helpful & care well for you while you are there.

Be gentle & kind to yourself. ❤️❤️

mmMekitty