27 & I can't talk about 53X 🤢

[de4d2thew0rld]

I'm weeks away from turning 27 and I am "terrified" of sensuality. Terrified might be a little dramatic.. I mean, I'm not a virgin. But I saw & heard things a child should never when I was young, and I suffer from PTSD due to it. But I also suffer in other ways. I can't talk about the S word, I can barely even say it. I get squirmy thinking about it sometimes, and I get SUPER awkward and UNCOMFORTABLE when S scenes come on in a movie or series to the point I want to rip my eyes out and my skin off. I don't understand why I have such a strong negative response to something that is "so natural". It makes me cry. 

I do enjoy doing to do when I decide I want to do it, but any other time, I cringe over it. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a physical trauma that I can't recall, because my reaction seems far too strong for someone that only saw & heard dirty things. Unfortunately, from my own mother. 

I feel so lost and stuck, and I'm a really spiritual person, and I'm trying to heal and grow and evolve, but... apparently sensuality is such a huge part of coming into my divine feminine power, and Idk how to do that when these thoughts alone still make me want to tear the skin off my body and scream until I lose my voice. 

Is anyone else in the same boat? I feel so alone. 

The first issue I typically have in a relationship, is that I'll be so "excited" in the beginning due to the dopamine rush, but when that wears off, I can't be touched without flinching, or slapping their hand away (out of reflex, not because I actually want to. I just freak out when I'm not in THE mood.) And it's a huge issue, because my partners end up feeling like I'm not attracted to them anymore, which I very much am, I'm just not attracted to the idea of IT anymore, until I'm ovulating. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I need help here, but every therapist I've seen about it has no idea how to help me, which is mind boggling to me, because isn't it their job to know how to help people in these situations!? 

I just don't want to feel so alone anymore. I feel asexual 75% of the time, and like a Divine Sensual Goddess the other 25%. And I wish I felt the latter all the time. I don't at all enjoy feeling this way about something I WANT to enjoy, but I have so much fear and yucky feelings around it. 

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

Thank you for having the courage to talk about this, I am sure there are many others who have some of these problems and will be able to relate to your post.

Our upbringing can definitely have a big influence about how we react to various aspects of life and I am sorry this has impacted you is such a negative way much of the time.

I was raised by a mother who was probably the opposite to yours, the S word was not talked about and in her opinion, it was only something you did after marriage and to have children. When I went against that, she told me she was disgusted with me and could not look at me. So I really do understand how much our parents attitudes can have an effect on us.

If you have seen more than one therapist that have not been able to help you, the only thing I can say is they were the wrong therapist for you. Given that you are a spiritual person (as am I), I would like to suggest that you look into finding a therapist that is more fitted to your nature. There are a growing number of therapists who are classed as either "Soul Based Therapists" or Soul Centered Therapists". If you look up either of these terms with your suburb or town on the internet, you should find a number of them. Some also do online therapy if you can't find one close to you.

The difference with this therapy is that the therapist has many tools that they are able to use with their client, depending on the needs of the client because every client is different.

I believe you will find a lot more assistance in this type of therapy and I hope you are able to heal from your past experiences with their help. We are all divine, just some of us have been made to feel we are less than divine in out formative years.

I hope this helps and I am happy to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take care,

indigo

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as you face such a great challenge while coming to better know yourself on this part of your path in life.

Definitely sounds like a bit of a mystery, when it comes to why you feel the way you do at times. Indigo offers sage advice regarding the idea of finding a guide that's perhaps better suited to you. Soulful counseling or psycho-spiritual based counseling (as opposed to just psychological), may be the way to go. Someone in these fields may be able to help you solve the mystery while also being able to help you develop on a soulful level.

Being a soulful gal myself, I believe there are many facets to us. Making sense of certain aspects of our self, developing aspects and even bringing new parts of us to life for the first time can all be a part of the journey. It sounds like you already know what triggers 'the divine goddess' in you to come to life (excitement, dopamine and the chemistry and sensations that can come with ovulating). While I've found certain parts of me will come to life under a whole variety of different circumstances, the questions can be

• What triggers parts of me to life, positively driving me, and what leads certain aspects to take back seat at times?
• How can I tap into the parts I really need at times?
• What experiences and belief systems can stop facets of me from coming to life?
• How can certain parts of me work together, in order to achieve some form of personal evolution? For example, how can the sage in me lead the stresser in me to see reason not to stress?
• How does my inner dialogue change, how do my belief systems change and how do the emotions I feel change, based on the part of me that I'm tapping into at any given time?

and the list goes on.

I've found while 'S' can fuel and liberate our inner goddess, it can be a different story when it comes to other parts of us. If we're tapped into a part of us that leads us to believe it's shameful, we will feel shame. If we're channeling a part of us that's led to the false belief that 'All guys are only after one thing', we can be led to feel resentment while seeing them as the enemy. The completely carefree part of us could not care less about the concept of shame or judgement. The soulful part of us can love the energy in motion (emotion) that can be felt or experienced through 'S'. If we're the manager of the many facets of our self that can come to life or be channeled to life at any given time, I've found it pays to know more about how they tick, what brings them to life, how they serve us or don't serve us, how they sound and feel and so on. Personally, I've found a great book to be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto.