20 years old - debilitating hypochondria, convinced myself I have bowel cancer

[Teagan_N]

Apologies in advance, I’ve never posted on a forum like this before. I’m not really sure where to start.

I started having issues with my physical health late last year, swollen glands with no apparent cause, chronic chest pain and shortness of breath - various tests and ultrasounds later and nothing, perfectly “healthy”. I’m not exactly sure when the worrying started, but now panic attacks and sleepless nights have become a common occurrence. In the last 7 months I’ve convinced myself I have lymphoma, bladder cancer, brain cancer and more. My most recent fixation is bowel cancer, the pain in my lower left abdomen started around two months ago - it’s always there just in varying intensities, it hurts when I press it too (it ranges from sharp to more dull). Multiple specialist appointments later and there’s no gynaecological cause, the bladder ultrasound showed nothing, my stool test showed no inflammation (so not a type of IBD). Now I’ve convinced myself that I, at 20 years old, have bowel cancer. How have I rationalised this? 1. The persistent pain that isn’t triggered by my eating habits, 2. A change in bowel habits and stool texture, 3. The fact that literally everything non bowel related has been ruled out, and the things that are bowel related that have been ruled are the relatively non-sinister things (IBD). I’m booked in for a colonoscopy in a few weeks and even though my gastroenterologist has told me she doesn’t think they’ll find anything I’m absolutely terrified and feel like she’s made a terrible oversight. I feel like my life is just starting and now my brain has presented me with the prospect of dying in five years or less, I just want to feel healthy and happy like I did last year. I’m not even sure why I’m putting this on a forum, if I want my feelings to be validated or some smart person to tell me “don’t be stupid, it’s unlikely you have bowel cancer because of x, y and z”, but here I am anyway, feeling like I’m losing my mind. This has been the longest seven months of my life, I just want to live a long, happy life. Not even full time uni and part time work can distract me from my intrusive thoughts anymore.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Teagan N

Thank you so much for your post here and reaching out. You have shown a lot of courage in describing so many things about your physical and mental health. Thank you for being so honest and opening to us.

“Wouldn’t it be nice...” to sometimes hear these words: “don’t be stupid, it’s unlikely this and this is happening “ as long as they were true? They would sound harsh but at least they would reassure you about the facts.

Nobody else will know your own self as you. You have been friends with yourself for the past 20 years. If you think something is off balance, trust your instincts. And by the sound, this is what you have been doing so far, meaning checking with the doctors and undergoing all sorts of tests. This is the most reasonable thing you could do because this at least gives you some answers and helps to eliminate some of your worries.
How did you feel after receiving good test results regarding some of your health issues? Did the good news help to lessen the stress you were under? Does hearing “the tests show there is nothing wrong with you” help to lower the stress levels for you?

Thank you again for your post.

Take care there.

[Teagan_N]

Firstly, thank you so much for replying. It's been a long time since my worries have been truly heard rather than dismissed.

Hearing that the tests results show nothing significant is relieving at the time - I'll feel elevated for a few days and my anxiety about my health will "chill out" for a bit. Then, it creeps back; "What if the doctor didn't give me the appropriate referrals? he only requested bloods, maybe I need a biopsy to really know" "What if they're not being as thorough as they could be because of my age?" "What if they missed something?" "A single ultrasound can't possibly determine if I do / don't have cancer" "I need more tests to really know" etc.

I'll poke and prod my body in search for lumps and evidence that something is wrong. I'll obsess over sore spots and try to pinpoint exactly where the pain is coming from. It's difficult because I am experiencing physical symptoms, I'm allowed to be worried, but I've taken it too far and now everything minor ailment is always the consequence of some worst case scenario.

I'm so overly aware of my body and small changes and sensations that I've gone as far as convince myself I was having a stroke because I was experiencing very mild numbness in my arms and legs, I even called an ambulance. Looking back at it, it's absolutely ridiculous but at the time it seemed so real and frightening, I really struggle to manage it.

Thanks again for listening.

[Nervybella]

Hi Teagan

Im sorry to hear what you’re going through. It must be very exhausting constantly worrying that you have an illness or something wrong with you.
can I ask, have you ever spoken to someone like a counsellor or psychologist about this? I’m sure they would be able to give you some really helpful advice or strategies to help you.

you’re able to get a mental health plan through your GP.

Lastly, try to take some comfort in knowing that all the results have come back negative so far- that’s a positive! And please know we are always here for a chat. Hope to speak again soon

best

bella.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Teagan N, 

It sounds like a really scary time for you. We're glad you could share your story here, and we hope Learn to Fly and Nervybella's words are helpful to you. We think there's some really great advice and understanding there.  

We agree that opening up about this to your GP could be really helpful. There's some advice on our website here about having the conversation with your health professional. It can be helpful to plan and think about this in advance.  

Please remember that if, at any point, you feel you need to talk through these feelings, you can call our phoneline on 1300 22 4636.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Petal22]

Hello Teagan N,

Wellcome to our forums! So sorry you are feeling this way but I totally understand!

I too used to do this! I would look at myself in the mirror and see something on my eye I’d convince myself that it was something terrible…. I’d google symptoms, I’d constantly seek reassurance , even if a doctor told me it was fine I’d still obsess over it ,what if? What if something was missed? This cycle would go on in my life for a long time for a various of different things ….. my anxiety was through the roof I felt like I was going crazy…….. I felt like I was living in an internal hell…

Fast forward…… I seeked professional help it started from seeing my gp we did a mental health plan together, my gp put me on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety, I saw a clinical psychologist who gave me many strategies for my anxiety, I also saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD……… Obsessive Compulsive Disorder….. it’s a anxiety disorder…… “ it is totally treatable “…… after seeing my psychiatrist this then led me to a OCD clinic that specialised in OCD……. This is we’re I learned to master my OCD……… it was the best thing I ever did! I’ve been free of this condition for 4 years going strong!

OCD is a vicious cycle we get the intrusive thought, we obsess over it, we perform compulsions eg……. Checking things, seeking reassurance, googling symptoms to bring our anxiety down but it doesn’t stay down for long the cycle starts again….

You can learn to break free of this vicious cycle…….. I’d recommend you see your gp mention OCD to them and what you have been doing….. do a mental health plan together and see a clinical phycologist ( not a normal psychologist) clinical can diagnose normal can’t….

You are not alone! Many people have this condition…… you can recover! I’m living proof of that I had the condition severely and am now free of it…

here to chat to you 😊

[jaz28]

Hi Teagan,

I can speak with personal experience on this. I have IBD myself, and I have experience with anxiety too. I am your age as well. I just wanted to say that if you had bowel cancer, the stool test is the same, I believe. It is awesome for you that IBD has been ruled out, it can have much more intense and severe symptoms aside from abdominal pain - if that helps. It is great to hear that you have had healthy test results - that's amazing. It's good to be tested when you feel something isn't right, you should always listen to your body. Being someone that has experienced anxiety over initial symptoms and actually being diagnosed with something - I wish I had been more concerned and seen a doctor earlier. I have experienced a lot of pain that could have been postponed for a little while if I had received earlier treatment. But that's OK. This is my journey with chronic illness, and just recently I received news that I am completely healthy again, and in "remission" from IBD. So we can revel in being healthy! Yay!

I've had surgery for my IBD which helped me drastically in being healthy again. My surgeon also specialises in bowel cancer patients and he says that early detection of bowel cancer means significantly more likelihood of being cured. I am pretty sure, given your previous test results, age and your gastroenterologist's advice, that you likely do not have bowel cancer! But even if you did, it seems like you have detected it early!

Also, when I first experienced IBD symptoms, I was also googling and terrified that I had bowel cancer too, as the symptoms are similar. When I saw my doctor - she told me to never google! So did my gastroenterologist - because the doctors are the experts, not google! Maybe stay off google and trust in your doctors. They know what they are doing. You will be OK, you've done everything right so far.

My advice, like many others, would be to get a mental health plan from your GP and see a psychologist about these distressing feelings. It is bad enough to be worried about your physical health, I know it sucks. The first step would be to try and get your mental health in check, so you can fully enjoy being healthy! It's such a blessing to be healthy, trust me, this is coming from someone who wasn't for months!!!!

All the best.

Jaz.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Teagan N and All,

The infamous Doctor Google... Don’t we all knock on his door every now and then? At the end of the day, what I perceive as your huge strength is the ability to self observe yourself and your behaviour and still see and understand that in longer run it may be physically and mentally exhausting for you. Some could struggle even with coming up to that sort of conclusion so well done in this first, huge step forward.

If you decide to go ahead with the mental plan consulting a GP or/and a specialist, let us know how you go, please. Maybe we could be of some further support to you, even just to drop a word or two of encouragement and reassurance.

Take care Lovely.