Why do people keep avoiding me?

[Reaperbird]

Okay so I just recently lost a group of friends I had made online several months ago.

At first we were talking regularly, getting along really well, but then over time they just distanced themselves more and more until they stopped contacting me all together.

I tried to confront them and ask them why, but they wouldn't give me any straight answers and even called me paranoid. They didn't unfriend me or block me, so I presumed they still wanted to be friends. But then they would give me the silent treatment for months and months on end. Not even a "happy birthday" or a "how are you?" Which is odd behavior from them, because they used to care about things like that.

Yesterday I finally snapped and told them all to get stuffed before deleting my social media, I was tired of being left out all the time and treated like I don't exist. Especially when I'm always being there for them, while they don't seem to give a damn about me.

Thing is, this has been happening a lot. Not just online, but offline too. Even my family are distant towards me. I admit, I'm questioning if there's something wrong with me, because if so many people are avoiding me, then I must be the problem right?

But how do I know what I did wrong? I tried asking and no one would tell me what I did. So now I'm stuck obsessing over all my faults, wondering what I did to make everyone avoid me.

I know I have problems too; I have depression, anxiety and I'm physically ill. I complain a lot, I'm impulsive, and I'm sensitive to rejection/criticism. I'm boring, I'm a perfectionist, and I'm often too blunt about how I feel. I could go on and on, I'm not always an easy person to get along with.

Still, I can't be perfect either, so unless I know what it is that people specifically don't like about me, I can't really change.

Overall I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of losing friends and being treated like I don't matter to anyone. I just want someone I can have a conversation with, someone who looks forward to hanging out with me. But people always seem to eventually hate me, and I end up alone again and again. I'm starting to hate myself so much that I can't even make new friends now, all I think is I'm going to drive them away too. I don't know how to talk to anyone anymore either, I feel like everything I say is wrong.

I don't want to be lonely anymore, but I don't know how to make it stop?

[Narniakid]

Hey there Reaperbird, welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear that your online friends haven't been responding. As someone who spent many of my teenage years talking to online friends and meeting them at concerts, I know how much it sucks when they suddenly just disappear or stop answering your messages.

More often than not, though, the reason for them suddenly not talking to you is their own. Perhaps one of them is going through a tough time at home. Maybe they don't have internet access. Or maybe they just need some time to themselves, because after all, friendships can be exhausting too.

As hard as it is, try not to take it personally. People often distance themselves for personal reasons, not because they have a problem with you. If I were you I would leave a message to say that you hope they are well and if there's anything that they'd like to talk about, you're always there.

Crystal

[Music_Freak]

This just happened to me recently with online friends. We all have mental health issues and seemed to bond over that, as well as music.

I've been in a real self loathing headspace and am very negative by nature, so I guess I can only blame myself for how things ended up. Even when I tried to fix things, they seemed to get worse. I heard a lot of "friendship is a two way street" and "I'm tired, I need a break". One even said the other was a much better friend (or something to that affect). Anyway, once one had stopped the other one had a go at me and said its up to me if we talked again, but blocked me.

I'm convinced I'm destined to never have good friends 😞

[Reaperbird]

@ narniakid:
That's the thing though, I have spoken to them. The only responses I get are "I'm busy" or "I suck at replying." Which makes no sense because they still talk to everyone else just fine, even people they aren't friends with. So it's obviously me they're avoiding. I brought that up too, and I got no answer.

If they had a good reason I'd be okay with it, but it just seems to be that they don't want to talk to me.

As for offline friends/family, I don't know. It's like I just don't exist. Even if they were busy, I'm sure it doesn't take 6 months to make a simply text message or call to say hi. Usually the most I hear from them is when they want something or if I've been suicidal. Even then, it's pretty short and distant, like being around me is some kind of chore to them. It makes me feel pretty worthless. I mean I want to hear from them, but not if it's only because they felt sorry for me or are using me.

[Music_Freak]

I know just how that all feels, so I can relate to the point of almost crying. It is awful and bad for the soul.

Have you heard of the phrase "being your own best friend"? It has been difficult for me to do this too, but I've had to distance myself from family, who are bullies. They've used me in the past and I made a promise to myself that from now on, I'm worth more than that (also difficult with no self esteem).

Maybe just focus on you, rather than them right now​, try a new hobby, and maybe make some other friends?

Sorry if my advice isn't much help, I have no friends, so probably can't preach about such things. Just know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do

[Reaperbird]

It really is the hardest thing to go through. The loneliness is hard enough, but knowing everyone hates me too just makes me feel even worse.

I confronted my sister about it today on the phone, I asked her "if I was a missing person, which photo would you use?" She went quiet and I replied tiredly, "you don't have any photos of me do you?" She tried to laugh it off, but I got frustrated and said "you have photo's of the rest of the family though. You hang out, take selfies, and talk to each other all the time. But not with me. You leave me out. Forget me. It's like I'm not apart of the family. I wish i knew why you all treated me like that." She went quiet after that and I left the conversation. She hasn't tried to get in contact with me again.

But I think you might be right, I'm starting to get that way. Just relying on myself and trying to find joy in doing things on my own. It's hard though. Most things just aren't fun when doing them by yourself. It's still better then being surrounded by people who treat me bad though.

I'm sorry your family are bullies, and that you're alone too. I only have one friend now, but we're not very close and don't talk much, so I don't know.

And it's fine, I appreciate the support. You've done a lot more for me in that one reply then many people have done in a lifetime. It's just nice to know someone cares. So thankyou. I wish you much luck that things improve for you as well.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Reaperbird and Music_Freak,

I have been where you are and come through the other side. I think getting to enjoy your own company is spot on as a first step. Finding hobbies or sports etc that you enjoy and make you feel good helps. You might even meet like-minded people through those. I am an introvert so my hobbies were all arty, nerdy or book related.

I found that groups of people often find a target to pick on. I still see this even now in adults. It is best to avoid these types of people anyway.

A few things to consider when working on friendships is to;

• Make sure you check in with your friends regularly as well as waiting for them to talk to you (friendship going two ways)
• Don't check in too frequently to start with as it can make people feel crowded, especially if they have a lot going on
• Don't panic if you don't hear from them for a few days but you can send an "are you ok?" msg saying they don't need to reply if busy.
• Think about what you talk about. If all you ever talk about is deep and meaningful and sad, it may get too much for people (save that for here on the BB forums, or for your absolute best friend when you make one). Some people just don't know how to deal with "hard" stuff and will avoid it like the plague.
• Read up on interesting things or general news and interest so you have something to talk about. Alternatively talk about your hobbies or interests.
• Ask questions of your friends, a lot of people like to talk about themselves
• Try and remember things that are important to your friends. It shows them that you value them and hopefully they will do the same.
• Doing things with people can make it easy early on when it's hard to know what to say. Movies or 10 pin bowling etc can be a good way to start friendships.

I think looking at joining a club or group would be a good way to meet some people for a fresh start.

Reaperbird, I notice you said you're physically unwell as well as having anxiety and depression so this may not be an option for you. Perhaps if you share a bit more about your age and interests we could talk about more options?

I hope some of this helps.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Reaperbird]

You might be right about groups. Sometimes I don't think the high school group-mentality and bullying ever ends, it happens even in adulthood. It sucks.

To be honest, I already do all of the things you mentioned, well except the last one. I do talk about my problems, but usually as a mutual thing, so both me and a friend would complain together and make fun of life. Though lately that's not even a thing, so yeah, I probably complain too much.

Oh and I'm 25 and I have fibromyalgia. Hence why I try to meet people online, it means I don't have to go out too much and cause myself a lot of physical pain. Not that there's much here offline to do anyway, it's a small town, so no groups or anything. I'd move, but I have no one to help me out, and I can't drive. I'm basically 'stuck.'

But I'm in to art, reading, video games, animals, and animated movies/shows. It's hard to find people who like the same stuff ironically, offline people never talk about that kind of thing, and online, well, it seems to be a popularity contest most of the time. Almost toxic.

Lately tv shows and games take up my free time. I don't read as often now, I feel too unmotivated. I'm not allowed pets in my rental either, though I do have a fish, he's pretty cool.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Reaperbird,

I understand a little about fibromyalgia and know how hard that can be. Well you've come to the right place here for some company. Everyone I have met here are lovely.

Have a look at the BB cafe thread in the BB social zone. There's another person in there called Blue's who is into similar things to you as am I actually!

I am a bit older than you, 41. I have chronic tension headache where I have had a headache every waking moment for the last 10 months and while I have a lot of real life friends, I spend a bit of time on line here.

I have always been into art, though I'm not brilliant at it, I love painting and drawing and anything crafty really. I crochet at the moment making kids toys as a way to distract from the pain.

I am a complete nerd, into sci-fi and fantasy books and movies though I will read and watch most things. I have become the queen of netflix since being unwell. I like video games but mostly play with my kids these days (11, 6 and 3 years), though sometimes hubby and I sneak in a game when we can. He is a big nerd too. We like boardgames and also play Magic the gathering.

Fish are cool! We have 2 guinea pigs but I am allergic to them..they give me hives.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, maybe they are just not nice people.

I'd like to hear more about what you watch and what games you play. Don't forget the bb cafe thread too - really greatvpeople there. Just pop in and say hi.

Cheers,

Carol