Why do good people get treated the worst?

[Bee1998]

I am tired. I'm tired of being shat on by people. This has happened my entire life, and I can't figure out why. I am a GOOD person, and I am loyal, and have an extremely good heart, especially given all of the crap i've had to go through and deal with my whole life. It's like people can see that you're a good person, and they just suck all of the life from you, and break off the rest of the heart you have left in you, piece by piece, until there's nothing left of you as a person. Every time I let someone into my life, and show them the love I have to offer, they either abuse that, use me, hurt me, stab me in the back, betray me, or just piss off with no explanation (or all of the above). It makes me not want to be a good person anymore, because at the end of the day, what's the point when you keep getting broken down constantly?... I'm hurting. I'm tired. I'm close to being done. I am a strong person, and am grateful for how far I have come, and being able to live through all of the traumatic events I have had thrown upon me. But I am just over it.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Bee1998,

Thank you for finding the strength to post about your hurt and pain in our forums. We are a very helpful and supportive community.

We understand that it really feels like everything in life is ganging up on you.  As a nice person, how would the best support we could provide you look like?

We know that when we are feeling this way, it can help us to call someone to talk to who will not judge us. This is why we would like to encourage you to call:
BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636
Lifeline on 13 1114
Kids Help Line on 1800 55 1800

If the feelings get really bad, please understand that this is an emergency and you need to call 000.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[That Other Guy]

I'm old, 53.  What I've learned is, if I am good, some people will take advantage but others will see it and become my friends.  And no matter how bad other people are, I am determined to always do good.  Not for them, for me.  For who I want to be

[livi_mivi]

Hey Bee1998, 

It’s such a hard think to have to experience and unfortunately there are people out there that will take advantage of the fact that you are a caring and kind person. I think there are many people out there that will respect and reciprocate your friendship and nature but it sometimes takes getting through all the people that aren’t like that to find “your people”. It’s so hard to want to keep trying to be the best person you can be the right people will come along and appreciate that. For now, I think it’s important to establish your boundaries from very early on to ensure that you aren’t going out of your way and doing things that you don’t want to do just to make people happy or to prove anything to them. I like the Other Guy’s response in regards to always do good for yourself and strive to be the best version of yourself, regardless of what other people think. When people know what you are willing to accept, the right ones will respect that. And those are the people you want in your life. 

Wishing you all the best and just know that you have this forum behind you! 

[james1]

Hello Bee1998,

We've spoken previously and I am so sad to hear how hurt you feel. You are a strong person as you've said, and we are here to help you get through this pain right now. From our chat before, I understand if perhaps you don't want to revisit some of that again just yet, as it sounds like you've been used and hurt in a way that feels really unfair and like history repeating itself.

You won't be shat on by us here, and I hope you feel safe knowing that this is a forum of people who understand and care. When you feel up to it, please feel welcome to let us know how you are going.

James

[tmas]

I felt like this until I learned that I can choose who I give myself to. I had 'friends' with whom the relationship was entirely me supporting them, and them letting me down or allowing harm to befall me when I was in need. When I had a change of setting I was able to meet new people. I started a course in 2020 (covid happened and I continued to have weak friendships that gratefully didn't have time to develop before my uni went remote), I had one major relationship that ended how many tended to (I avoided my problems in favour of carrying theirs, only for them to ghost me). I spiralled near the end of that year, and after a fateful night in emergency I was recommended to psychotherapy (or talk therapy). I'm not telling you to get this type of therapy, just that grappling with your trauma is important. I learned a lot about myself. Not about my biology and skills, or even timelines of my history, but about how I see myself and have/haven't processed traumas. Knowing thyself is important. Not in relation to other people, or as a series of events and interpersonal relationships, but as an individual with whom you can be compassionate.

The upturn was slow but now I can genuinely say that the negative emotions are WAY less intense and not as constant. If you had told me that was possible after a lifetime of overwhelm, 5 hospitalisations, 6 years on medications, so many failed relationships... I would have not believed it. I have Friends now, and a partner. I try to set boundaries with family, and boundaries with the 'friends' (they lost interest and I have no regret for this). When my friends are struggling, I help them now without feeling like I'm chipping away at my wellbeing. I do it because I care, and because I feel I have something to offer in my healing. Set boundaries where you can, where it is safe to. Seek professional advice in doing this if needed. Know yourself, care for your physical health too. Learned "selflessness" (appeasing others to your detriment, investing yourself where it isn't reciprocated) is a trauma response. I thought this made me a good person, but it was my pain. Know yourself and know what you deserve, work on secure attachments, aim for post-traumatic growth in the long term. Because the term is oh so long 🙂

[Bee1998]

Thank you everyone for your replies and great feedback/input, I really appreciate having people listen and reach out, it means a lot to me. 

I am just really struggling mentally due to my relationship currently. My partner lacks emotional support and understanding, and any time I try to bring up an issue, or resolve disagreements, he is extremely condescending and rude, and can't ever admit fault or apologise. 

Two weekends ago, he and I had plans for Saturday night, which he ditched to go out with his mates instead. I was an emotional wreck that weekend, and began feeling suicidal . This has happened in the past too, where my partner has abandoned me to go out clubbing and drinking with his mates, knowing that I'm not doing well emotionally (for example when my best friend died). Instead of being there for me, he left me alone and went out with his mates.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bee1998,

Thank you for sharing what's been going on here. As you've mentioned in your post, and as the support of your friends here shows, this community is listening. 

We hope it's ok a member of our team will be reaching out to you privately to check in. If you wanted to reach us directly, our lovely counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and online, and if you ever feel unsafe or unable to act on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000.

Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave step, and you never know who might be reading this and feeling less alone because of it.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[ecomama]

Hey Bee1998, 

In answer to your question: "Why do good people get treated the worst?"

Boundaries. 
Our low boundaries or none at all. 

I am not saying it's your fault, not at all!
Although we all have the responsibility to guard ourselves, what we own, everything about us. It's all on each individual. 

In 2016 I attended an awesome Course for women trying to escape DV. It was gobsmacking, learning about all of it including BOUNDARIES. (Also shocking were the techniques that abusers / toxic ppl use to manipulate). 

I've been working on this ever since with my Counsellor, boundaries not toxicity lol). It's truly an ongoing process, so much to learn. I slip up regularly without even realising it! My Counsellor is awesome at stating this to me now. 

One quote comes to mind, "we judge other people's actions by our OWN intentions" Stephen Covey. This being a mistake we make. 

Most importantly WELCOME to the forums Bee, it's so lovely to have you here. 

Love EM

[tmas]

I feel you probably know this already, but that’s not a relationship. Even if you’ve never had a relationship without that kind of unreliability, it isn’t something you should anticipate. 

Of course it’s up to you how you handle that, but do you have someone you can be with for safety? Ending relationships, even if for the better, can be very difficult and emotionally distressing, particularly for people (like me previously, and I suspect you) who feel obligated to these people or guilty often without cause. I would recommend “doing the selfish thing”, it’s the first step to realising taking care of yourself isn’t selfish at all. 

It helped for me to know where this behaviour came from, and what was at the route of it. His behaviour isn’t acceptable, and his presence can be changed, but what are you feeling when he does these things? How do you feel in the relationship and what was the first time you can remember feeling that dynamic? He’s ACTUALLY doing the selfish thing, and his dismissive behaviour thrives off of anxious attachment. You really don’t have to put up with it. But again, you probably know that, regardless of whether you believe you deserve better. You deserve better, objectively.