Whats really wrong with me?

[BlackSwan]

Okay, I have no idea what I am doing so sorry for any weirdness or confusion..

Alright, so I just looked at this site and I just researched on symptoms which I am experiencing.
But I noticed some didn't really extend on things and I have a little bit of different things wrong with me.

for 1 I definitely know I have GAD and a type of depression because I self harm, and I do not like life a lot the time.

But then again, my emotions change, one moment I feel normal, next I hate the world, I feel depressed and then I feel like a psycho. Like today for example, I was feeling normal in the morning then I suddenly was depressed until about 5pm tonight and now I am psycho, laughing at random things, talking to myself, yelling at objects and people then just apologising then doing it again. My voice sounds different in a weird way and my attitude towards everything is completely different.

I always feel like I am being followed or watched, and I don't concentrate on things. I enjoy harming myself, which sounds really messed up and weird but its the reality of my actions. I self-harm myself when I am feeling really upset, but I always do it because I want to and there is an urge to do it. And to be honest, I like the pain it gives me. yeah, I know I'm messed up but I do want to try and stop it. 

I can't sleep until late, and sometimes I just choose not to go to sleep or I don't want to. Even if sometimes I get a good sleep I wake up knackered and I can barely function throughout school. I'm getting put on sleeping pills today but the messed up thing is the side effects include things I already experience so I am slightly worried about that, but my GP doesn't seem too bothered about it.

I understand I may have Bi-polar, but I just want to understand and see if anyone is going through the same thing... I can honestly say, I think I have something underlining mentally wrong with me, I mean come on; I hurt myself on purpose, like earlier this year, I repeatedly punched myself and convinced myself that a guy was after me and attacked me. Now my moods change erratically and I hurt myself! I just want to understand what the heck is wrong with me so I can stop it. Please if anyone has any suggestions, I would appreciate it. I know that maybe this has an easy solution but I want to look at other solutions which don't involve me going to a mental hospital 😕

oh and if it doesn't say, I am 15 years old and I'm a female...

[ModeratorC]

Hi there,

 We are sorry to hear how hard things have been for you recently. We are really glad that you are  linked in with your GP. It is a good idea to talk further with your GP about the symptoms that you are describing. Your GP can also refer you to either a psychiatrist or a mental health team for an assessment if they feel that this would be helpful. 

We really hope that you get some support here on this website. As you can see there are many others with symptoms like these. It may also be worth your while to have a look at the youth beyondblue website. It's specifically for young people and you may find some support here too. You can check it out at www.youthbeyondblue.org.au

Keep in touch and let us know how you go with your GP. It would be great to get a thorough mental health assessment so you can understand exactly what is going on.

 take care,

Beyondblue Team

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Black Swan,

Bipolar is pretty easy to spot (I've been bipolar for several years).

Mood swings, lack of sleep (probably the worst factor) and frustration at life in general.  The happy times are too happy, the sad times too sad.   You can't feel settled which relates back to the sleep pattern.

But, if you chose to manage your bipolar then you're in with a chance.   15 seems a tumultuous time and being  a young woman has heaps of physical changes to contend with too.   

The extremes (if un-moderated) will lead to suicide ideation, mania and a combination, i.e. depression with a manic angry edge.  Most manic episodes I've had result in grandiose schemes or out of reality efforts that are "mental" to the normal world but "believable" to me !  Some of these have taken 9 months hospitalisation to check.  That's why you need to have some insight into where these moods will take you.  A friend/relative to monitor.

Sadly, as the bipolar goes off the tracks I tend to end up abusing the very people I am close too.  It's just part of the bipolar parcel.   The glow of mania is fairly attractive and bipolarians on meds often go off meds on purpose to get a high.  This is about the worst thing you could do.  The moods get more erratic.   A rush or manic episode can make your inhibitions disappear particularly sexually.  I guess this is the real problem.  An over social, friendly, outgoing and delightful personality doesn't send many warning bells.  But, factor in bipolar and you should feel that you're just escalating your moods, sleeping less and less and doing inappropriate things that may confuse or concern the general public.

Best follow Chrisophers advice re: seeking medical support.  The sooner you can balance yourself the better.  A lot of bipolars are very creative so maybe we need this edge to be artistic.  It's not a good fit when you do something mundane.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear BlackSwan, first of all I just want to make you welcome to this site, and please don't have any inhibitions when you want to describe on how you feel.

All of us ranging from your age 15 up to the oldies and that includes me as I am 58 or even older, but this is where young ones feel scared, but please don't be, all we offer is experience and helpful advice to you, so we aren't like a parent who would discipline you and even throw their arms up in disbelief.

This site is to talk about your problems and get it off your chest, we are not judgemental.

I have left David Charles to inform you on bipolar, as he has had it for many years, and he certainly knows more than I do on this topic, but what I do know is that his experience with bipolar has been awful, and he has suffered a great deal with it.

There is so much more to your story, and I just want to make you feel as though you can talk to us. I hope you do, because at 15 it's a long road by yourself. Geoff.

[dare2diva]

Hi BlackSwan

Don't be so quick to put a label on yourself. I have bipolar I and wasn't properly diagnosed until I was 30.

At 15, there are a lot of things that are messed up with hormones, chemicals, and life in general that can send your mood into meltdown. Please don't think I am trying to put you down because of your age. I wouldn't do my teenage years again for love nor money. I admire anyone who can come out on the other side.

Rather than sleeping pills, I would suggest you speak to your GP about the newer type mood stabilisers and antipsychotics. Don't be scared. They can work to stablise mood and psychosis, they can sort out sleep and help anxiety without many side effects. Sometimes a few good nights sleep can make all the difference. I know for me, if I can have 1 nights sleep during an episode, I feel so much better and more able to deal the situation.

Keep a mood journal, sleep journal, food and exercise journal and take these with you to your GP and be prepared for your diagnosis to change particularly during your teens and early 20's. Just go with the flow, research and be kind to yourself. Do 1 thing each day that brings you joy and if nothing brings you joy, something that used to bring you joy.

Take care and good luck

T

[crazysanedays]

Hi BlackSwan

I was intrigued by your post, im new to the site also but felt like I needed to share my experience with you.

What your describing sounds more like a personality disorder than just your standard bipolar. I have recently been diagnosed with a personality disorder and I too experience some of the symptoms you've described. I was diagnosed with many different disorders that didn't quite meet the full list of symptoms that I was suffering, until recently a short stay in the Mental health unit helped with further diagnosis. Im 33 and for as long as I can remember have been this way, diagnosed ADD,  PTSD, Adjustment Disorder, Bipolar, Possible Borderline Personality and now confirmed borderline personality. There are some good websites you can get some information and I suggest talking with your GP or Psychologist about it also.

I also self harm, I too get the "urge" to do it. For many reasons, to feel like I can "feel" something, to get rid of the "pain" in my head and focus it elsewhere, to "Feel" like im human, alive. I enjoyed the pain, the sensation, the joy of actually feeling, when  I felt I couldn't.  However, I didn't enjoy having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer and it became something I only did when I was in a "meltdown", it was also too hard to hide from my family my arms all the time. Whilst I enjoyed it, I felt ashamed that I could literally harm myself and enjoy it, that's just not normal (as we are made to believe). But for a lot of borderline personality, self harm is a way of coping that needs to be trained into something constructive rather than destructive (such as art, music etc).

Dare2Diva said it right with the journal and mood stabilisers, they are more effective than sleeping pills as they will do nothing really to treat your disorder or symptoms (except for the lack of sleep). Treat yourself well, avoid the heavy guilt trips on yourself and yes, prepare for probably many diagnosis, keep journals, especially symptoms and triggers, meltdowns and any "out of place" things you do, and be honest with your GP/Psychologist about all Symptoms, it will help with accurate diagnosis (something I didn't do as I was embarrassed and ashamed as I didn't fully understand).

and like Geoff said, its a long road for a 15 yr old to travel so surround yourself with a great support network of friends and family and they can help make the journey a lot easier. 

Take Care

CrazyChook