What do I do ?

[JJF]

Hey I'm 22 and the past 6 or so years I have been finding myself getting no enjoyment from anything up until now

I have reached a point where I cannot do anything without getting frustrated or unfocused and my social life is a complete zero.

I recently quit my job because I couldn't handle people and the job it self, I even find it hard to talk to family members and relatives about anything in general..

I can't get a good night sleep at all and I eat pretty healthy so wouldn't that help me but no it doesn't..

I also feel lonely all the time, can't ever see myself with a partner again..

Just writing this is frustrating me because I'm complaining to complete strangers and I feel my words have no importance 

to me or anyone.. what do I do ( p.s) already went to doctor they just said to have anti depressants I refuse.

[JJF]

Even if I did decide to get them I don't want to have to face going to the doctor that's just another person on my list of a thousand people that I cannot talk to..

( first time I went there to get them I was with my mum..)

[Neil_1]

Hi there JJF

Ok, we can avoid the talk about A-D's if you wish - and we can try to move to other methods.

But just before that, if you say you can't talk to so many people - with regard to someone say, like a doctor - if you know you've got an appointment, something I do beforehand is to jot down on a piece of paper some of the things I wanted to ask or mention - just in case I clam up and can't talk or that I simply forget them.  Just as a memory jogger thing.  Just a thought.

May I ask what interests you have?   And these can be anything?   Writing, reading, sports (any kind - and either with you playing, or just watching and being a fan), any other sporting activities (gym, running, cycling, etc), music, movies, etc??

List as many of them as you can.  I'd be really interested in hearing from you on this.

Neil

[Asche]

A disclaimer before I being: I agree with everyone else. AD's don't deserve the flack they get and they can be very extremely helpful to therapy and the general recovery process.

That being said, it's not impossible to climb out of the hole without AD's. They just makes climbing out of it easier. A lot easier. If you're adamant about not taking them, then don't. But it helps to keep an open mind. From what I'm reading in your post, you're suffering and -I'll be blunt here, because we're all adults- not handling things the way you want yourself to.

I understand that. I didn't check myself into therapy for years -almost a decade- until I was outright forced to. And I hated it. I hated that I needed help, because it made me feel pathetic and weak, because I wasn't "strong" enough to deal with this on my own.

In retrospect, it's abundantly clear that I wasn't being strong by refusing help, I was just being dumb. I let pride get in the way of my health, my friends, my family...my goals. And at that time, that felt imperative because I thought that ashen, hollow pride was all I had. I thought nothing could ever be more false, but the truth is, there's no shame in getting help when you need it. Because strength isn't about being an infallible fortress that never shows any outward sign of weakness. It's about being able to do what needs to be done, even if it means setting aside pride and feeling vulnerable for a few seconds every now and them.

It sounds to me like you have a pretty good idea of who you want to be. The question you have to ask yourself is, can I become that person by doing what I am now? If not, what am I going to do about it? What is more important to me? My fear? My pride? Or my goals?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to talk you into taking your AD's. But you seem pretty reluctant to even talk, and the cold, hard truth is that if you want to get better you're going to have to do some things you might not be entirely comfortable with. Not because they're bad, but because they're just different to what you used to. You can't keep maintaining the old, comfortable habits you've been keeping if you want things to change. Transition as slowly as you want, but you have to make changes if you want to get better.

If you don't talk to people, try having a chat. It doesn't have to be here and it doesn't have to be about you. Hop on someplace online and just start talking about your interests. Books you've read, places you've been, sports you back.

[JJF]

Okay thanks and no I don't have many interests I play video games and play guitar rarely and that's about it nothing really interests me or gets me excited.

I mainly listen to Indie music and I don't watch T.V I might occasionally watch a TV show on my computer but that's about it.

[JJF]

Asche I actually have no Idea who I want to be.. all I know is I don't want to be me

I hate everything about who I am and the fact that I most likely will never change.. even if I do go to a doctor or a psychiatrist and change mentally the moment I stop going I will Immediately go back to who I am now.I'm tired of all this, I can't think at all that's why all my replies have been short.

[Asche]

You said you believe you most "likely" won't change. So there is a possibility that you can change! The very fact that you are here, talking to us now is evidence of the fact that change is possible; after all, as you've said yourself, this isn't something you would ordinarily do. I get that you didn't actively choose to make this particular change so much as get backed into it, but circumstances changes us as surely as we change them. That's not to say that you should rest on your haunches and just wait for things to change on their own, because these things seldom happen at the pace you want them to or the way you prefer. Far better to chart your own course than to have it charted out for you; I just want to remind you that change is not quite as impossible as we often feel. You start off small with little adjustments, adjustments that change the world around you which change you in turn and your momentum builds...every step is a battle, but it's the first that's hardest.

You said that you don't know who you want to be, beyond not being you. Well, what would someone who is not you be like? What qualities would he possess? What skills would he have? It might also help to consider some of the qualities of people you like, if not admire.

One final note: I think you have a misconception of what therapy is. Whereas AD's can be somewhat like a crutch, therapy is more akin to physiotherapy. The progress you've made doesn't vanish the instant you stop going. You're not "topping up" your mental health when you go to therapy like a car refuelling at the station. The goal of therapy is get you to learn the skills you need and develop the habits you require to keep yourself afloat and take care of yourself.  Your psychologist might help you out a little in the beginning, and they're there to direct your progress but ultimately it's up to you to make those changes. They can't make those decisions for you, and they can't force you to commit anything either. And to a large extent, that's why therapy works. That's why people can stop going to their psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors; because they've been taught how to take care of themselves and stay healthy on their own.