We need help with a friendship group

[LunaxEclipse]

Hi,

my best friend and I we are in a toxic friendship group that feels as if it is going to snap any minute. We want to escape this group but we dint want them to attack us if we leave, we were hoping to get some recommendations from the people here who may have been in toxic friendships groups.

thank you,

Luna 🌻

[Aaronsis]

HI LunaxEclipse

Welcome and it is great that you have found yourself here to get some support on this one, friendships are really hard there is no doubt about that and I can only imagine how much harder they are today than when I was at school.

I am happy to hear that you and your friend together have identified that you need to move away from the group, or from any situation that does not make you feel good about yourself. Taking care of you is important and I can see that is what you are doing, so well done.

I know that there is not alot of good going on with COVID however, I have noticed that it has created some space between the "mean girls" and the other girls in my daughter's classes. I am grateful for this and so is she. It is one of the benefits I think of home schooling atm in that she can get on and do her work without the class drama. Are you back at school or are you at home doing your classes?

If you are still at school and have to be around these people everyday I think that there are two ways to do this, the first being having the conversation, this might be difficult but at least you will let these people know that you are sick of being in this toxic group and would rather remove yourself, something like "I am actually done with this group and the way it makes me feel, see you later, I am moving on"..while this may cause a flare up which is what you want to avoid you are also standing up for your feelings and doing what is right for you. The worst they can do is yell and fuss and make it weird for you for a while..well until the next big thing comes along and they are more interested in that.

The other way is to essentially wean yourself off them and maybe go from being with them every lunch time to every second and every third. This is a less direct way and may be more peaceful for you, however it will take longer and you may find yourself in a position to be making up excuses and just getting all overwhelmed.

My personal opinion is to rip the bandaid off, tell them they make you feel bad, you are done with it and are moving on. This will send a message to that you are no push over and you and your friend are sick of their behaviours. They might need to hear this!

I am actually going to ask my 16 yo son and my 13 yo daughter what their opinions are on how to leave a group and then I will share with you what they think..it may be very different to me!

Hugs to you and chat some more soon, you are so brave to reach out, well done.

Sarah xx

[LunaxEclipse]

Hi thank you Sarah for responding,

we are currently doing remote learning so that helps a lot.
it’s just a not so nice situation,

we are trying to separate ourselves from this group slowly rather than quickly

thanks

Luna 🌻

[Aaronsis]

That is great to hear that you are doing remote learning as that will give you a break from them in person and let you focus on your school work with out the stress of drama and toxic friendships.

I asked my daughter who is in year 8 and she said that while you are doing remote learning you can avoid them by not joining in group messages if you do that and also by not joining in the ways you talk, if that is Houseparty or Snap Chat, focus on your good friend and enjoy the time with her/him. She said things will perhaps change when you go back to school with people going different ways and you can remove yourself from these people without too much fuss, as there has been some time away from school and people change.

I am not sure if this helps but I am happy to keep chatting to you and discovering ways to free you from the toxic people, I think that is a great idea and I am glad you are thinking of leaving too.

I just had to help my daughter with some drama videoing....I am really not cut out for this year 8 business!!!

Chat soon

Sarah

[LunaxEclipse]

Hi Sarah,

This Drama thing sounds fun but anyway,

Yeah me and my friend are annoyed at our group as one of the girls did an interview that my friend and I did the day before. Yet this girl got all the praises while we didn't get any, I know this is kind of childish but I know my friend and I were really stressed and anxious about this.

Thanks

Luna

[leesy_lou]

Hi Luna,

Warm welcome to the forum, its nice to have you here in this space 🙂

I hear what you are saying about your friends being toxic and it sounds like you and your best-friend are ready to move on from this group but you are both currently feeling some level of hesitation in doing a straight cut. Going at a slowly may be a smart move if you feel things may escalate from bad to worse but its hard to say. Are you to tell us what you mean when you say toxic?

I'm glad to hear that you are and best-friend have each other. Separating from friends that are bad news can be isolating, stressful and can get ugly so its great that you have each other to lean on.

[Red_Velvet]

I recently went through a separation with a toxic group of friends at my school, so I should be able to give you some personal experience and advice on this subject.

Now I don’t exactly know what your friend group has done long term, but it seems them taking credit for your work is the main problem at the moment. Taking someone else’s work is actually against the law, yet it never seems to be enforced!

I was in a toxic relationship with two girls who were using depression and suicide as threats and excuses to do immoral things I would rather not talk about. Another one had a body image problem she pushed on to others and another had a crazy mum who was hell bent of getting child authorities to take me away from my family, (what is absolutely amazing by the way).

Sorry Sarah, but the ‘ripping the bandaid’ won’t work for certain situations, so the slow and steady should always be though out aswell, in case a bandaid tactic is not suited. But I agree with you, sometimes getting it over and done with is the best way to go, as it is honest, but it does cause drama.

I actually signed up to activities at lunchtime to get away and I made three new friends who weren’t toxic. So lunchtime clubs or sports is great to get away from them and enjoy yourself. Eventually I would pop in and greet all the girls, then say I was going to sit with someone new to [do something random and if needed, made up].

It started as one day not sitting with them, to two, to three and you get the point. It it took a lot of time and a lot of sugar coating and sweet talking. Eventually they didn’t care where I was and who I was with, as I wasn’t really around them anymore. It took forever but was worth it in the long run.

The most important thing to do after getting away from them, is greet them normally, smile at them and make small talk every now and then. Maybe participate in one activity with them in the whole year. It’ll keep them off your tail, trust me.

If you don’t take my advice, it’s fine! But it is open to you anytime!
—Red

[Aaronsis]

Hi Luna

I understand what you mean and it is not childish at all, when you do the work it is nice to get the credit, any good human also knows that when someone offers you the credit for something you did not do that you kindly say "thank you however it was xx's work", or maybe they simply do not know this and have so little praise in life, or not have much support in life so any praise, whether meant for them or not is accepted. I do understand that it is frustrating but this happens all the time in life unfortunately and learning to be gracious is such a hard task. Accepting praise quietly and doing things with out the need for praise is something that will serve you well as it is rare that you get it in life. Learning to life without the need for it is priceless and then when you do receive it you are truly appreciative.

I hope that you are also seeing here that we all do share many different ways to approach this situation so you are very well supported Luna, I hope you can find a way to move away from these people and to be happy with your friend, that is the main thing, your happiness and NO ONE deserves to be in a toxic friendship..well I question if it is a friendship.

Great to chat to you some more and looking forward to hearing what you think.

Hugs

Sarah