want to know depression and want to find myself

[Gopal]

Hi, everyone, I am 24 and I know that I am depressed, I have read a lot of material regarding depression and its symptoms, and I am experiencing those since a long time back. I need help, I need help to fight it, I need help to get back to my life, and I need help to be in control of my life. For a long time back now, I am feeling that i am not in control of my life. I want my life back. I lost my family, friends, spirit, pleasures, love everything......living life like an empty darkness and can't tell a soul about it. 

[AGrace]

Hi Gopal,

Welcome to the forums:) I'm glad you've decided to come here and tell your story. Talking about your illness, and seeking support is the biggest first step.

I wanted to start by asking if you have sought any medical assistance with your depression? There is a list of GPs on BB's website who all specialise in mental health. It would be worthwhile talking to a GP and perhaps getting a referral to a Psychologist (you can request a mental health care plan from the GP to get 10 free Psychologist sessions), or to see a Psychiatrist. Have you considered the option of antidepressant medications to help with your symptoms? A GP/Psychiatrist can also help with advice on these.

Do you mind me asking how you lost all those people from your life? (I am assuming not in the literal sense) Did you just become quite isolated and withdrawn? Are you wanting to reconnect with any of these people? In my experience family in particular will always be there for you, if you decide you want them back in your life start by reaching out to some of them. What's the worst that can happen?

Depression certainly has this way of making us feel like we can't get a grip on anything. What sorts of things are you doing with yourself at the moment? Do you work? Are you exercising? Do you have particular hobbies/interests? One of the things that's really important when we are depressed is trying our best to keep engaged with activities (those that provide a sense of achievement and those that we find pleasurable), and connecting with people (by joining a gym class, a local community group etc). Finding motivation can be difficult. There are some tips on this in a thread I started called "Finding Motivation" you may like to search for this by entering the title in the search function. Other community members have provided their suggestions as well.

There is also a thread called "Finding Joy when times are hard" that Stitch has started that has some suggestions for small activities that you can do when you are feeling really low.

One of the most common suggestions is to make sure you have a regular routine, something that gets you out of bed in the morning, something you can look forward to. 

Have you had a look at the resources available on the BB website. If you click on this tab you will find a separate link for men. There's then a link at the end of the information called Combat Depression. 

Hang in there Gopal. We look forward to hearing more from you.

AGrace

[gmc]

Hello Gopal,

I may say that being so eager to find more about depression is the start of getting over your problem. The very start and the happiest one, if I may say.

I don't know what to say more than our lovely AGrace, but I support you too to find a specialist that can help you a lot to understand more about yourself first, about your illness. You've started a long journey. Congratulations! Keep posting :).

gmc

[geoff]

dear Gopal, thanks for reaching out for help.

It's been 5 days since you posted your comment, and I do hope that you are still checking up for any replies.

Sometimes it takes a day or two for people on this site to be able to reply, which I know can be annoying for you or anyone else, but it's not that we don't care, because we certainly do and want to help everyone who posts a comment asking for help.

All of us have been to hell and back either once but normally several times, so we are concerned for you, and truly want you to respond so that we can help you. Geoff.

[Gopal]

Dear AGrace, I can't tell you how much your reply means to me, my hands are literally shaking and my heart is pounding as I am typing in this reply. You wanted to know a few things which I think will be best answered in the context of my background. I am 24 years old and currently working in an organization in a position of high responsibility. I am working as a Corporate Secretary in a mining company. As far as I can remember myself I used to be a youthful, dynamic and energetic person a few years back. Due to some reason I don't remember myself clearly. During the past few years I started to loose myself and therefore went completely went off the track at one point of time. I dont know why it happend, like everybody else I had many ups and downs in my life and up to a certain point of time I fought well with them. I always had a way out of thing and had a back up plan. But now things are way beyond my control. I have completely left leaving, and right now, I am actually dragging myself down with pain and misery. All those years I never left fighting and right now I feel tired of life. I can't focus and can't think properly and clearly with a sole objective to express something. I never express things to anyone because I know that they will laugh at me. My mother is also a patient of depression and mood disorder and she have been undergoing treatment for a period of 7 years now. I lost my father when I was 15. I have lost complete interest in things I used to enjoy like anything, I used to enjoy work out, watching movies, going out with friends reading new books, watching football. All these things have vaporized from my life. I can't tell you any specific reason. But There are lots of incident which I think have triggered these. I had a stressful relationship for the last one and half year, and now its gone. Before the relationship I was struggling with my career and was stressed about it. Before that, I was doing my studies and due to the expectation of families and my self alone, I was under heavy stress. But to be honest with you, I never felt lost like this considering any situations. During this stress period, I misbehaved with my friend because of my constant mood change and made them misunderstand me. I misbehaved with my family members even and have lost their trust. I took very very uncomfortable and impulsive decisions regarding my relationship and that took me to the finish line of my relationship....to be continued...

Gopal 

[Gopal]

I cant tell you any specific reason how all those people went away from me. You are right that I became isolated from everyone in a due course of time. Some of those were my fault and some of them were just took place as a matter of fact. The major problems which I am facing is, constant thinking mode, without knowing what I am thinking and constant low mood. I cant focus on to anything now and I find it difflicult to do daily routine jobs for myself. Sometimes getting out of bed becomes so much difficult for me that I have to drag myself out of the bed nearly every morning. Another major porblme I am facing is that my thoughts are round and round. I cant conclude anything and i am facing huge problems to think straight. I have lost all the interest in activities in which I used to find pleasure in the past. I used to love work out, movies, music, and going out. All these things I find boring and tiring now. I have lost all interest in the social interaction. I have always been a private person but, I used to have a large amount of friends and now due to my constant mood change and destructive decisions they are gone. Situation is something that I cant go back to them, and i find it very difficult to make new friends. 
One another major problem I am facing is I have lost my words, I used to love to talka nd used to have a great sense of humour. Now a days i dont like to talk to people and find it very difficult to like someone. 
There was a time when I faced difficulties in studies, family, and social matters but then I always had a workable plan to get out of the situation, but this time I am helpless. I think I am facing memory loss also, I cant remember the incidents of past week and this is affecting my professional life in a great extent. 
I know that this write up does not have a concrete shape or anything but this is the best i can do at this point. as I cant arrange my thought process and write down them at the same point. This is it for now, I will come back. 

Please have patience with me as I know I am showing the attributes of I dont know..."know all ..yet doing it all.." type of personality.... but I cant help it.

I want my life back..I want to chase my dreams again, I want to dance again, I want to rejoice again, I want to laugh again, I want to be friends with people, I want to live...again 

[Gopal]

Hi there, I know that you care, thanks a lot for your reply, each and every reply means a lot to me, and you can under stand why. I am going through this website daily and I am finding it interesting, but the problem is, the things which I am learning from here I lost them I wake up. The next morning again the same pathetic feeling, feeling in the dark and lost. Constantly thinking about something without any clue whatsoever what I am thinking. You have a pet I can see in your profile picture, does it help? I am not sure whether I can take care of a pet or not. Its a huge responsibility. Dont mind me asking, how did you do it? How you beat it? I want to know because I have been a lots of fight in my life, I have fought with my fate, a fatherless life, with destiny, but this is s fight I am finding very dificult to fight. For the first time I am feeling that i dont control my life anymore, Something inside head is controlling myself. Each and every activity of mine is pre determine. You must know how does it feel to not to have a control on yourself. 

I am looking for a way to have my life back....... 

until next time....thanks  

[Gopal]

Hi there, thanks so much for replying to me, each and every helping hand is like a goldmine to me right now. I have thought about to go a Doctor but to be very honest, there is a thought at the back of mind is that, by going to a Doctor i will a certified depressive, which I cant take at me. The fact is I have always been a fighter and a strong personality, and as now I can feel that I am broke, I want to fix myself by myself, but as I am writing this I am thinking that, I can go to a doctor, but the taboo of mine is not letting me go to a doctor. Do you really think that going to a doctor would help? I hate medication. I dont even know whether I can trust the doctor or not. I am not sure. How would I know whether the doctor is doing my diagnosis properly or not. How would I know that he understands me, my feelings and my emotions. I have seen doctors who without knowing the whole story write down page full of medication by knowing only symptoms. I would never allow someone to do that, I may be acting stubborn but I think this. Help me whether I am right or wrong. Please 

Thanks for your help.

[geoff]

dear Gopal, thank you so much for getting back to us, this means a great deal to all of us.

I can read your pain, anxiety, frustration and annoyance, as it's seems to have hit you out of nowhere, but can I say that that's what this illness is capable of doing, without any warning and no one is protected from it.

It's not so much that YOU have turned your friends away it's because they aren't capable of helping you or even want to, they're not interested, so they kick you in the butt and do their own thing.

This is awful, like how easy is it for them to ask you 'what's been happening with you, because all of  sudden you're changed'.

When you lose interest in all the activities that once you really enjoyed, then there's a problem for yourself, and I'm sorry to say that what this means is that depression has knocked on your door and barged it's way in.

None of us want to accept that we have this illness, because it was always considered to be taboo, but it's now becoming an illness that is so wide spread and affects anyone, it doesn't matter what position you hold, how much money you have, how skilled you are not inevitable.

That's Moo-Moo in the picture, so she is my only company as I live alone and have done so for about 10 to 12 years, it's too long ago and I couldn't live without her, as she comes everywhere with me, sleeps with me, and if at anybody's house won't let her in I don't go and see them.

If you are unsure about going to see a doctor, then maybe you can click under 'get support' at the top of the page where you will find a list of doctor's (find professional), and these doctors are connected to Beyond Blue and would be able to help you.

The big question 'how did I overcome depression', well firstly everybody is different, but my depression was for longer than 20 years, and I can't blame my ex for divorcing me, this is one of the flaws that this illness brings, but when the house was sold I didn't owe any money after the big bills were paid to the creditors, so I had to move, so I decided to rent, and that's when I started to feel better. L Geoff. x

[Gopal]

Hi there, thanks for your reply. You are right about the fact that it was so easy for my friends to ask just one time what has happend to me. Instead of doing that they started ignoring me and I was frustrated enough to end up all sorts of engagement with them. I know that depression can hit you anywhere, irrespective of age, job, position etc. My mother is also suffering from depression, for about 7 years at a row now. She is undergoing medication. The major problem is I can't tell any of my family members about my problems because, if I tell them I know that my mother's condition will fall again, and I can't let that happen at any time. So,I am on my own now. I had a relationship too, I worked very hard for it, and about time when everything was settled, at that moment we got separated. I blame myself for that every moment. This is pathetic, In the past I used to so easily move on but this time, I can't. I just can't make up my mind to do something. I want to do something and I end up doing something else. I want to think something and I end up thinking something else. You are right depression is real and deadly and certainly not a tabbo. I will try to make up my mind to get to a doctor. Until next time..... Thanks 

Gopal..