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Hey, im new on here and posting/venting my life on the net.. but anyway.
I'm 22.. some days i feel like im 20 years older. I always thought there is a light at the end of the tunnel with anything negative that has came into my life. I haven't seen a doctor or anything to see what is exactly wrong with me.. and im too scared to explain to my parents(or closer relatives) on how i have been feeling lately.
About 2 years ago i was in my first ever relationship, i reckon it was the only time where i felt happy in my whole entire life, but in the same week of knowing she cheated on me.. i lost my job..and the worst part, i lost a very close friend in a car crash. Ever since then i never thought i'll be happy ever again, there was a time where i jumped in my car and went to close my eyes after speeding on the highway and hope it'll all end, but i have knocked my senses back into place and avoided doing that and went back doing what i always love doing, which is writing and performing music.
So within the duration of 2012 i have composed atleast 2 albums of material.. and after a bad storm, i have lost every bit i had due to a power surge... anyway.... moving on.
The reason why i always feel like s%$t is that i live in a very SMALL town.. and my ex girlfriend lives like 3 doors down from me.. so no matter what i always end up seeing her everyday. She cheated on me for one of my best mates i knew since i was 11 years old. They currently split up now as of a few months ago. Its just stupid how i can get so emotional about how much i miss the feeling of the whole thing. i tried running away but i always end up coming back.
I don't really have "friends" in town... I suppose everyone around here gets hit with the whole "small town syndrome" treatment. But with me i don't spread rumours and other "chinese whisper" like matters like butter on toast... Sometimes when i make plans with someone, it'll be all sweet ready to go then very last minute they'll say "ohh nah, family issues" and they end up being elsewhere... every time, and that kills me.
Back in Feb. of this year i got charged for the first time ever, for a high range PCA whilst in the vehicle (at a showground where i was sleeping and i had keys on me..). This is the actually closed a chapter of my high drinking habits from the past, i enjoy a drink here and there if im with family and such... but not every day like i use to... and especially starting at 8am. i was really terrible. Really raised concern within the family.
Not being able to get out of this town permanently for a while is killing me. Is there any suggestions i should do to take my mind of things without "going over the top" and having to think about necking myself thinking i am not good for anyone.
I know a bit of what you talk about, I'm also originally from a small town, which can sometimes really not accept mental illness either (on top of the 'standard' bullshit of rumour mills etc). Much simpler said than done, but this needs to be a case of finding some peace with who you are as a person, so anything said from the outside doesn't hurt as much. How to actually accomplish that is the million dollar question though.
One option is to throw yourself into something you love - music? Write, play, create which will give you an outlet, and (thanks to the internet) can give you a means of interacting with other people outside your town. Besides, it gives you a great way to immortalise all the failings of your hometown forever in music, and that can be a lot of fun.
Dear PJ Ball,
Small Town, Big Noise. Sounds like a song. I write too and have cut half a dozen CD's and have a professional group. It's a great release and the best part is, that even your storm/power surge wiped your first 2 albums of material, you can always write more, maybe this time with some back up. Even Michelangelo had to edit his work - one famous ex being his huge statue of David that the Italian official figured the nose was too big. He climbs up with some stone chippings hidden in his hand and a mallet and pretends to "chip" away at the nose and let the loose chippings fall through his hand. The officials confirm it's a much better nose.
Maybe, like Michelangelo, you have to find a way of fine tuning things. A good start would be to see a GP, do the Mental Health Plan, get 10 free counsellor consultations and take some loose chippings.
You can beat the emotional beat up about your ex. Try and anticipate all these thoughts or at least EXPECT to run into her when you go out. That way, you don't have to be possessed by this woman and her failings. Who knows, you might meet a better match because you are now single ? The future could be better than you think. The same with social plans. You might have to say "Yep, another cancellation - had that one pegged". It's annoying but highly predictable.
Instead of doing the "really raised concern within the family" bit why not really raise concern within yourself ? And some people 20 yrs older than you can act half your age. I wouldn't say it was a bad thing. Just being in the moment.
PS I'm sure you can write more - your life experience is rich and you look great for a CD cover with the dark sunnies, scraggly half beard and Mona Lisa smile.