Does he love me or not?

[Beth_t]

So I'm 18 years old and am currently completing my VCE as I am in year 12.

in 2010 I began talking to a guy. We became friends and I later discovered he had depression. The times that he became worse I was with him all the way, I helped him get the help he needed and he started to get better. We began dating in may of 2011 and broke up a few months later only to get back together in October. A couple of weeks before his 18th birthday with is in may, this year he started to become depressed again and this time it was much worse. On the 29th of may he was not thinking straight and dumped me. Although leading up to this time he was starting to push me away by saying that 'I don't love him' and 'I don't need him' and as well as 'I needed to find someone better'. Of course this hurt and I kinda pushed him to dump me but I did not expect that he would. 

I haven't been coping well that much, as I miss him a lot. It feels like he is sending me mixed messages and its confusing me. He says he can't feel anything towards the people he loved including me, so he doesn't know whether he will ever love me again or get back together with me.

i guess what I'm asking is, whether he still does love me deep down and will want to be with me again and keep me in his life? Or whether his feelings for me are completely gone? Will the person I love come back to me?

i would really appreciate your help,

 thanks

[S_A_D_]

I'd bet he's 10 times more confused and frustrated than you, and I can see from your post how confused you are so making that prediction may seem risky and absurd, but when we take into account that confusion is one of the leading indicator cues to depression, it is fair to say that he is probably being torn up inside.

The question you need to be asking and answering, is "do you want him to love you?" If you hesitated before answering just now, that's understandable. At your age you're still trying to understand yourself and the world. It's complicated and confusing and there's so much pressure to make choices and decisions. Don't worry about it. 

The question should be rephrased to "Do you want him to love you at this moment?" Think about your future, all those plans and dreams and goals later. What do you want right now?

What you want for yourself, give to another. If you want to feel loved, show him how much you love him. Not in words, in actions. body language and tone of voice make up 90% of your communication. Be there for him, support him, encourage him, give him incentives to return the affection you're showing him. Ask him to show you he loves you without pressuring him. Tell him what you would like him to do or say to show you he loves you. Without these clear signals, he might love you more than air but not know how to show it, which adds to his confusion and frustration. 

Don't bother dropping hints. If he doesn't notice you hinting, it may as well not have happened, and you'll be disappointed. Be explicit. Tell him exactly what you need, and ask him to tell you what he needs. If either of you start saying you don't know what you want from the other, try using the memory cues you are told to use in preparing for exams. It is always harder to recall things than to recognise them, so study up on what you want from your relationship and talk about it.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Beth,

"It feels like he is sending me mixed messages and it's confusing me" just stood out for me.   With his depression he will want people to back off.  Also, I would have to say you may have confused him !   Ex: "I kinda pushed him to dump me but I did not expect that he would".   

When you play with fire you get burnt.    Why don't you wait a few days before jumping in and causing further displacement ?     Or as one adventurer discovered when walking the Appalachian Trial in the States  "Don't make an important decision when you're going uphill".

When I have suffered depression to the point of being in hospital the last  thing I want is visitors.  But the thing is I also know I'm missing out on is visitors !   The mixed message is alive and well.   If your boyfriend needs time out you should respect that and not be pushing any relationship issues.  Don't you want him to know that you are there for the time being ?   Support is tough for mental health.

Adios, David.

PS  This post reminded me of a psych admission where another patient had drug dealers mess up the ward and threaten stuff !   Security and Nurses stepped in and said "This is a hospital.  Let these people try and get better please".    A bit of subtle caution might be more helpful rather than self serving love anxiety.

[S_A_D_]

Good advice. I highly approve!