Stuck in a deep trench, not just a rut

[MooRich94]

Today was the first time I have deliberately brought harm upon myself in years (nothing serious) which is why I am here writing a new thread seeking some advice. I should have seen it coming, since I stopped going to counselling (as I thought I had my life back on track and so did my counsellor, who is wonderful by the way) my life has been continuously up and down, mostly down lately. I tried to overcome everything myself but it has gotten the better of me, which I hate to admit as it makes me feel weak and pathetic, another reason I avoid telling my friends and family about my struggles. My stupid "problems" are nothing in comparison to what other people face every day, I shouldn't be feeling like this when the issues seem like such an easy fix. 

To sum it up; I'm in my last term of uni and all of a sudden I have lost all interest and motivation in what I am studying and I couldn't be bothered to finish my degree, I started a new job a few months ago and the people I work for have sucked the fun out of everything I used to love about my degree (I'm not actually sure if it is the new job which I don't enjoy or if it's just my mindset at the moment), for the 3 years I've lived in the town I moved to, to start uni I have never felt more alone in my life even though I've made some good friends here, i feel so alone and I hate it, my grandma has recently had 2 strokes and it is extremely painful to see, especially because she has no idea who anyone is, I live a long way away from my family and some friends and I always miss them, I try to tell my best friend my feelings but she just has no idea and changes the subjects which leaves me always alone with my own thoughts which is never any fun, I don't bring it up much because I know I sound whingy and probably annoying, and this is going to sound really stupid but all of my friends are in loving relationships and I have nobody, I know I don't need anybody to live or be myself but I've had enough of being alone, I feel sad and down all the time and it hurts because I used to be so fun-loving and happy and I would give anything to go back to being that.  

I really want to move towns and start over but I have another 9 weeks of uni, and no guaranteed job. I really don't know how I am going to make it through the rest of the year going like this, I really want to pass uni, failing would destroy me even more, but with no motivation and all of these other thoughts and feelings I just don't know what to do. 

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636

[white knight]

Hi MooRich, welcome

Between a rock and a hard place? I can see how you are ATM.

As far as friends are concerned. Yep, some just want to have fun fun fun....no serious talk about your struggles in life- I know how you feel. Well for some time now I've said to those that opbject to me talking seriously- too bad, this is me, I'm not your fun type go away!!! And they do.

I'd commit to your uni studies and completion. Do it!!. Then rearrange your life based on your work. Move around, travel a little. Spread your wings. And take the following as your new attitude.

SOCIETY OF SAND

I’m sitting in a desert

Upon sand of friend and foe

Can’t find a piece of turf

Where I cannot stand on toes

I collect a handful of grain

Then watch as it escapes

Just like some friendships

A barren temporary landscape

I create my own oasis

By weeping on a weed

But the sand around me laughs

Cause it doesn’t have a need

Till lately it be the friends

That helped me walk the land

They holding me up under my feet

-supportive grains of sand

I begin to sink so slowly

As they gather my precious hide

The quick sand laughing so loud

A kind man says goodbye

And as I become one of ‘them’

My heart now granuled and dry

I try to weep to water the weed

But sand has no means to cry

Damn it! I struggle so

Be damned if I be like them

I crawl out of the society of sand

To remain the man I am…

[geoff]

dear MooRich, hello and great to have you join the site.

Depression can be many different types, but in this post I will just call it being depressed.

Stopping your visits to your counsellor has the same analogy as 'fools gold', in other words it's where you and the counsellor believe that you don't need any more therapy, because they deem you as no longer needing it, wrong, because OK you might be feeling well leading up to that particular day, but it's certainly no guarantee that within the next few weeks all will be OK, simply because we still have depression in us and it could raise it's ugly head again and at any time.

The thought that we can deal with it ourselves is no different than looking at 'fools gold' again, because what does happen it that we can cope with all the superficial problems but not those deep down problems, which we may know of or have no idea what they are, and this is where you need help.

We all know that there are people worse off than us, but when you are dealing with your own depression and concerns then there is no one worse off than you.

In regard to finishing uni, well this can be a contentious point.

When you look at it you only have 9 weeks to go, but if however your heart's not in it, then 9 weeks will feel like 4 years, and your mind will be way off finishing it, so whether you can defer this year and if it's actually worth doing so, is something you have to balance, and maybe if you back to your counsellor may help you.

Sometimes family and friends don't want to know how you are feeling, or don't know what to say, so they just drop off the radar, and leave you all by yourself, which is really disappointing and very upsetting.

It's going to be hard for you to make a decision, but would like some feedback from you. Geoff.

[Narniakid]

Hi MooRich94, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us.

It definitely sounds like you're in a tough situation at the moment. Use the motivation of wanting to finish uni and have a fresh start to get through these last few weeks - you're too close to finishing your degree to throw in the towel!

As for your friends, perhaps they change the subject because they are either going through some stressful times as well and can't handle to hear about it from another person, or they don't know how to help you - this is something I see quite often; the friends don't know how to help their sad friend, so they change the subject. It doesn't mean they don't care, though. Perhaps sit them down and tell them that you'd like a little bit of advice and support during this tough time.

Don't even feel like your thoughts are invalid in comparison to someone else's - we all experience each day differently, and we all handle things differently. Your feelings are valid just because you are feeling them, and it does not make you a weak person.

What I suggest you do is give the hotline a call, as they may have some more advice for you. Keep a diary and make sure you have enough down time to just relax and give yourself a break, physically and mentally.

You can do this!

Crystal