So Should I open the text?

emma_cross · ‎24-08-2020

So I have never done anything like this before but I really need to get this off my chest. For reference I work as admin for the Sydney health district which before March was a pretty good job as it is flexible to do between my degree and it gave me weekends back. As well as that I earned good money without smelling like food or having to deal with money struggles of a failing business. I have a close friend that loss her job about 2 years ago and never looked for a new one as she moved to Melbourne but was living in a college so she had to move back up between semesters. We were quite close but last December, she started shaming me for "working too much". Things I suggested doing she would with other people claiming I was too busy. When I talked to her about it she said her mental health was not great so she couldn't be blamed for ignoring me and then moved back to melb and just stopped talking to all our friends in syd. Right before the border shut, I sent a message to her and another friend who lived in melb with the new restrictions cause I got emailed them. She came back to syd without telling anyone and then broken quarantine rules and was manipulating people saying it was fine. All while receiving from me in a group chat about how I getting abused at work and struggling with keeping my job to not get sent further out in the district. She sent me a message about two weeks later asking if I wanted to hang out. I said yes because I thought we could talk it out. When I brought up my issues what she had done and how it was affecting me she told me I was wrong that she knew more. She started making my pain into a competition of who has hurt more. I knew she didn't want to apologize or even admit that she had hurt me even when I had out right told her that she had. I tried putting that conversation back on to safe topics but her mood changed and just won't talk; only one word answers. Last week she texted me again. I haven't opened. I feel guilty but I just not okay at the moment. I'm struggling with my emotions and coping with the stress and loneliness of covid. I am struggling with anxiety, depression and paranoia but because of covid I cant get my usual help. I know the text isn't "Do you want to hang out?" it seems to be something long and critical of my behavior. I don't know how I would reply. So should I open the text?

leesy_lou · ‎25-08-2020

Hi Emma Cross,

I'm glad you have taken the time to explain what has being going on for you and this particular friend of yours. I hear you say you used to be quite close and have know each other for quite some time. More recently it has been quite bitter, comparing her struggles to yours and acting extremely guarded and hurting your feelings. Consider you have know her for quite some time I imagine it would hurt the things she says, even if you know they are to be untrue - pretty anxiety provoking. It sounds like conversations with her don't leave you feel very good or heard, exactly the opposite maybe. If you are experiencing your own set of hardships outside of that relationship, the added stress is just not needed. COVID-19 is hard enough on its own. Life pretty upside down at the moment, are you still able to work and study?

With everything you have said so far and the track record of the interaction with this person, and how they have made you feel, no wonder why you are questioning opening the message! It almost sounds like you are questioning whether it is worth engaging in the relationship all together!? Which is totally understandable. Right now it seems like it's not adding to your heath and wellbeing, but at the same time having conflict with this friend is likely doing there same, and the not knowing of what she had to say anxiety provoking in itself.... thats tough to navigate.

You know what, maybe you aren't in the right frame of mind to engage in that conversation right now, and thats okay. You are allowed to have and set boundaries. That is not being a bad friend, that is called being as assertive and that is an amazing quality to have, especially when dealing with people who put their needs and wants before yours.

However thats not to say that in a hours, day, or weeks time you will feel different, or feel ready to have that conversation. Can I recommend giving yourself the permission, giving yourself the time to decide?

botmij · ‎25-08-2020

Hey Emma, thank you for sharing this with the forum 🙂

I think @leesy_lou said some really good things and I wanted to reiterate that you should take as much time as you feel you need before reading the message. Like you said, this is a really tough time and if you aren't in the right state of mind then you have every right to focus on yourself and your mental health without feeling the need to read or respond. Even though you may feel as though this text is consuming your thoughts and that it is hard to move passed this without reading it, you will know when the right time is and you should be kind to yourself for not wanting to do it right away. It is hard for us to dictate what you should do here, because it is your life and your friendship, and ultimately you know what is best for you, and by the sound of it that is to focus on yourself and not worry about reading or responding it until you're ready.

Take care, this forum is a safe space and you should continue to speak your mind here as much as you like. I am sure there are many who can relate to your situation, myself included.