Relationship related anxiety

[Lyssaa]

Hi everyone, 

I've very recently started dating this guy from uni. He's different to any of the guys I've been interested in before, in a good way. Since we first started talking he was always very consistent with his communication, compliments me in a genuine way, has told me why he likes me and has always been honest and open with his feelings, makes time to talk to me even though he's a very busy person, and casually reassures me because he knows that I have the tendency to overthink things. He's met most of my friends and he gets along with them really well and my friends all like him. He's also gladly introduced me to a lot of his friends, and they've told me this is the happiest they've seen him in a while. I don't feel butterflies around him, instead I feel calm and comfortable when I talk to him which is a nice change. 

Unfortunately, I haven't always had such good experiences with guys before. My last boyfriend from a few years ago didn't treat me the best and was very inconsistent with his communication and didn't make me feel appreciated. The guy I was in a situationship with last year was awful at communication and didn't even really like me even though he said he did, he just wanted attention and used me when he needed someone to talk to or wanted to talk about something relevant to him. I also recently found out that he isn't the nice person that he acted like he was around me. 

Because of these past experiences, I'm carrying a lot of anxiety with me into this new relationship, even though this guys behaviours are nothing at all like the crap I had to deal with in the past. I still sometimes get anxious when I text him because I'm worried he's going to think I'm annoying, or that if I send him a funny video on instagram he's gonna get annoyed at me or think I'm too obsessive even though it's literally just a message. Occasionally I also wonder how long it'll be until he starts to find me annoying or stops liking me. I'm annoyed at myself for having these anxious feelings, because I know logically that I shouldn't, but I can't help it. Does anyone have any advice for me on how I can reassure and comfort myself when this anxiety starts to rise up again? 

[aliDavies30000]

Maybe let him know you have this feeling so it's all in the open and you're on the same page. You could tell him you know you're he's totally different but you're a bit scarred from the last relationship. People are complicated and relationships usually benefit from a little vulnerable openness. If the relationship is right he'll handle this info and make you feel comfortable.  

[Bob_22]

Hi Lyssaa,

Thanks for your post. It's good to hear that you find your new partner calming and reassuring. Navigating new relationships is always difficult so it's somewhat expected that you will have some anxieties to begin with, especially if you've had bad previous experiences. The best/healthiest thing to do in my opinion is to try and be yourself with moments of vulnerability every now and then. It can open you up to being hurt but it's best to know now whether you can trust your partner with your vulnerabilities versus finding out later down the track. It doesn't mean you need to share everything but try to open up to him the same way you would open up to a new friend that you've recently met. Which is essentially what we look for in a healthy relationship is good friendship also.

headspace has regular online group chats about navigating relationships if you're interested in joining them. You can jump on here: https://my.headspace.org.au/online-communities/105803 

Hope that helps.

Bob