problems with mum

[a13xx]

this may have to be a few parts because it’s a long story.

my parents had a pretty rough divorce. It ended with my mum in the hospital with an eyepatch for a few weeks. I don’t know the full story of what exactly happened. Ive listened to both sides of the story which are very different and ive never really known who to believe. My mum was a huge drunk my entire life. Although she suffers from major anxiety and depression, i’m not sure if it’s an excuse for what she’s done. After the divorce, my brother and i stayed mainly with my mum while i would see my dad every second weekend. I was around 10/11 at the time and she would drink until she passed out on the couch a like 2pm. She’d hide wine bottles in cupboards and in my brothers and i’s drink bottles. She’d drink drive me to basketball being so pissed with wine bottles clanking under the car seat while she would swerve and get road rage. it would be so scary. I hated going to my dads place at this time. It was scary and it made me sick to my stomach. Me, being the oldest, mum would frequntly vent to me about her traumas as a kid and with my dad. She’d talk about how evil my dad was and say he never paid child support or ever cared about us. She also told us mixed up stories about what happened to her face. one night it would be dads fault and the next it would be an accident. The routine of giving my mum advice and taking care of my little brother while she was passed out drunk was a daily thing. She never acknowledged her problem and when i mentioned it, she chased me around the house and i had to hide against my door while she would scream and bang on the door. I was scared of her. One night i remember my brother was watching a movie and didn’t want to go to bed yet. My mum yelled and screamed and ended up leaving saying she would kill herself and it would be my brothers fault. She didnt and i knew she didn’t because she would lie and manipulate us all the time. My brother didn’t know that though and he wouldn’t stop crying. She was gone for hours.

Later i got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She would get mad at me when i was in a depressive episode and say i was an attention seeker. She would say that i’m making her and everyone else feel worse and that i was being “dramatic” and lazy. She’d critique my weight, put me on weight loss meal plans i didn’t want, judge me when i would eat and hide food from me in a SAFE that only my brother was allowed.

i have to write another part in a reply

[Sophie_M]

Dear a13xx

We are pleased that you found the strength and courage to post about what has occurred. Our community is very supportive and helpful.

We hear how difficult it has been growing up with an alcoholic mum. When people are under the influence of alcohol, it becomes the alcohol talking, raging, and being so untrustworthy. And, as you clearly state, you understand that you cannot trust your mum. This is such a difficult place for you to be because we have a built-in need to trust our parents.

The first thing we want you to think about is: when you are unsafe, like the time mum chased you around the house and you held your bedroom door closed, your safety is very important. If you can get to a phone, this is a time when you are not safe, and calling 000 is very much the right thing to do.

Second, we would strongly encourage you to go talk to the guidance counsellor at school. Tell the counsellor that you feel unsafe with mum, and then tell your story. You can also tell your teachers or your head of year, in private.

The third thing to remember is: you can call Beyond Blue Support Service at any time at 1300 22 4636 and talk with a mental health professional. This conversation is kept completely private, so you can discuss anything with the professional.

Thanks again for joining our community, and know that we are here to support you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[geoff]

Hello a13xx, being brave enough to post this comment is very commendable of you, and want to thank you so much, because growing up in an environment like this can distill problems for those concerned, which unfortunately has happened.

It is understandable you have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I am too very sorry for how you are feeling, and as your mum had an alcohol problem, you could never be sure what she was saying was anywhere near the truth.

An alcoholic is capable of emotionally abusing their family, because all they seem to want is their way and where they can get their drink from without any consideration for anybody else.

Your weight should not be an issue here and she may be making these comments only when she is intoxicated, and if I can urge you not to pay any attention to what she is saying, as this too could be emotional abuse.

How she obtained the black eye is not really important, although it is unfortunate because you might not be told the truth, but now the most important part of this, is to hear what else you want to say.

Looking after your brother is one way to help, but you need the support from people like us, who desperately want to help you.

If I can also suggest that if you are 25 or under, you can get in contact with Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or online, but we really hope you can get back to us, there's more you ant to say and more we can help you with.

My best.

Geoff.

[a13xx]

later after that i spent nights in psych wards after multiple suicide attempts and struggles with self harm and stuff. I developed an eating disorder and after that spent weeks in the hospital on a refeeding program my mum would encourage me on losing weight and say i was doing a “good job” even after the hospital visits.

I came out as transgender a few years ago and she has had trouble accepting me for it. I figured that was my last straw so i went to live with my dad, who seemed to be doing mentally well and accepted me fully for who i was. I’m almost 17 now and It’s been almost 6 months living with him and ive never been happier.
I haven’t really spoken to my mum since. Ive had brief arguments with her over texts but that’s it. Shes really upset over it all and thinks i’m being “brainwashed” by my dad. She’s still an alcoholic, my little brother lives with her still and it doesn’t seem like she’s changed much at all.

My question is: Am i wrong for disassociating with her completely? I do remember loving and happy moments from her but i don’t know if i can forgive her for the other things she’s done.

[Sophie_M]

Hey a13xx,

Thank you for the update. It sounds like you've been dealing with some incredibly difficult things, and we can imagine how hard it must be to figure out what kind of relationship you want with her, especially when you have your own challenges to face. It sounds like it might be important to focus on yourself right now, and figuring out how you can stay safe and have the space to think about your transgender journey. 

We're sorry to hear you've struggled with suicide attempts and self-harm. Do you have any support currently with your mental health and family difficulties? We've reached out to you privately to see if you'd like to talk things through with our Support Service. We'd  love to talk things through with you and provide a bit more support. You can also reach out to us directly on the phone or via online chat, here.

We also want to second Geoff's suggestion of reaching out to Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or online.

We're sure we'll hear more from the lovely community soon. Thanks for sharing so bravely here. It can be a really powerful step towards feeling better. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M