Not sure what to do

[taraanita]

As the title suggests I really don't know what to do or who to turn to at this point. I'm 21 and lost my mum suddenly 3 years ago. I have a dad and a brother and a dog but she was really all I had. We were inseparable. I was bullied as a child and then again in high school and then again even after school and after losing mum.

I struggle with depression, anxiety particularly in social situations, ADHD and after losing mum PTSD. Wonderful right. There are good days and bad days and I do see a psychotherapist who helps a lot and I was until a few months ago medicated for my depression however I stopped with my physiatrists permission as it was beginning to almost make things worse.

The reason I'm here is because I've always been and over thinker and it leads me into some dark places and since I've lost mum it's gotten worse and more frequent. I can't stop thinking about everyone else I love dying, I see them dead and then I think that it's such an awful and crazy thing to think that it must mean I secretly want them to die because I was annoyed at them 2 months ago for leaving the milk out or something. Rationally I know that's not true but it's hard to reason with myself when I get into that state. Then I think how I never want to go through the pain of losing someone ever again so it would be easiest if I just killed myself so i wouldn't have to. I hate myself if I ever get mad or annoyed with people I love because I feel like a bad person and that I'm wasting so much time because what if they die tomorrow. Then i further go onto thinking that I don't deserve life because I'm a bad person, I don't deserve to eat because there are starving children in the world and I will go on to punish myself for things that aren't even relative to me. Something could happen in Russia and I will somehow find a way to blame myself for it (I'm being a bit hyperbolic there but you get the drift).

My dad is not supportive, my friends don't understand it, they try to but only for 5mins and then they just try distract me/change the subject because they don't want to be sad too they want to have fun and be 21. There's nothing wrong with that, I wish I could be like them and it really bothers me that I'm not - watching people at parties laugh and not have their own voice in their head telling them they don't deserve to live or to continuously see everyone you care about dead.

I just want to know how to make it stop or how to deal with it and if it ever gets better?

Tara

[white knight]

Hi Tara. Welcome

My name is Tony and my line of thinking wasn't unlike yours after my brother died. Then a few years later I was OK then my dad passed away.....back to being unrealistic again with my thoughts.

It all came down to anxiety and depression from such anxiety. So I needed to find ways to relax

Like a lot if exercises relaxation techniques can work early, some are long term for results.

Join a relaxation class or read up on the topic. Deep breathing exercises help. To help you sleep, muscle tensioning exercises help to.

when your mind wanders towards unrealistic thoughts ask yourself "am I being real....is this thought likely to occur?"

If it is very unlikely then it is imagination, discount it by diverting your focus. Say you walk into a plaza. Your mind connects the plaza to an incident on TV, a siege. Immediately walk past shop windows to look at say jewellery you'd like. That's diversion.

Also, google the following

Topic: an over active mind- beyondblue

Topic: depression, are there any positives- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Maze]

Hi Tara,

Personally I found it hard to find comfort in those around me when looking to help my anxiety ease. People who have not experienced it for themselves often find it hard to grasp the feelings without appropriate training or close personal experience with a sufferer.

The way in which I combat my Over-active mind is through physical exercise. It is my escape from the thoughts and I use the feelings and racing heart as a motivator to push myself to the point where I no longer worry about the things that shouldn't worry me at the time. I myself need to focus my attention completely on a task at hand to overcome my anxiety, rather than be somewhere that is quiet which make me just spiral out.

The best thing I have learned from my psychologist is to control my breathing. Because more often than not all other symptoms stem from my breathing becoming shallow and fast, which leads to a racing heart which then leads to my head being flooded with a million negatives at once.

On YouTube there is a breathing flow video that has really helped me whenever I am struggling to cope, and it really brings me back down to earth. It is not always easy to do, but it has been the best way to bring me out of a spiral.

Hope I can help, as the feeling of hopelessness can be crippling.

Regards, Gerard.

[pipsy]

Hi Tara. Losing your mum at any age would be difficult. When you're little, mum's there to kiss away your hurts. As you become an adult, she solves your problems with boys, other teenagers. Mum seems to have all the answers, then you lose her and it's like your world (that you've known) has been taken away. I would like to suggest you try writing to her, every day, tell her what's happening in your life. Tell her how much you miss her, you love her, you won't forget her. Don't be scared to tell her you're angry/hurt that she's no longer with you. The anger/hurt won't last, but you need to acknowledge every emotion you have. At 17, you were just starting to bloom and she's not there to share. Tell her your fears about other's close to you dying. On her birthday, every day, light a candle, take time to grieve. Grieving is a natural part of the healing process. Think about what she might say to take away some of your fears, doubts etc. Close your eyes and talk to her.

Lynda.

[taraanita]

Thanks so much Tony WK, Gerard and Lynda

Ill definitely try the things mentioned above!

Tony WK could I ask how you coped with feeling like you didn't deserve to be here? Unfortunately its the one thought that is in my mind almost every second of the day and one of the hardest to shake as when it comes to my own self image I find it difficult to think that its unrealistic or untrue. I feel guilty for still living my life without my mum even though that is what she would want and for some reason I feel selfish for still being here and for partly still wanting to be here. Once all of the other thoughts subside and I begin to have fun or just function normally it just kind of pops into my head that Im such a bad person for being alive. It sounds stupid saying it out loud/on this forum but somehow it still doesn't make it go away as like I said before its not something I can distinguish as realistic or unrealistic because its about me? if that makes sense?

Thanks again, your suggestions have already been really helpful

Tara