New to this…my first post

[Jess2311]

Hi,

I don't really know how to begin. I am new to this online forum.

The last few months have been basically terrible. My therapist believes my depression has been "hiding" or not as prominent over the last couple of years, until the last few months. All i know is i think back to when i was a young teen (i'm now 24), and i was so happy, full of life, bubbly, outgoing, confident, and just loved life in general. Now i think - who the hell am i anymore? I don't even recognise myself. I went from being 60 something kilos to 120 kilos, then back down to 85kg, and now back up to 120kg in the space of 2 years. 

I feel like this post itself makes no sense. I am lying in bed just feeling alone and like i want to talk to someone, but i also just want to go to sleep. I've been on antidepressants for about 3 months now, and see a psychologist every 2 weeks. I've only seen her three times so far as my doctor put me on a "mental health care plan". I have days where i feel positive (and by positive i mean, i can pull myself out of bed and put a smile on at work for most of the day), but i have been mostly having days where i just feel numb and despite not crying constantly like i did before the antidepressants, i still feel empty. I have no motivation to exercise. I've begun hibernating, and just want to stay at home, watch movies, sleep and eat. I go to work yet i feel no energy, and i don't want to talk to anyone. My anxiety has been bad lately too. I avoid going out in public unless i'm with someone i'm comfortable with like my mum or my dad or brother or a close friend. If i have to stop in somewhere on the way home from work, i calculate in my head which shop will be the most quiet, to avoid as many people as possible. I just don't understand it. 

I want to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't know how long that'll take. I want to start my career, lose weight, meet someone, have a family, get a house, i want to do all of these things. Yet i think to myself - when will i get through this? When will my life begin again and when will i be happy? I'm so scared i'm not making enough progress. I don't know where i should be after 3 months of medication. I don't know what to expect. When people find out i'm on antidepressants, people that have known me for years, they laugh at me. They think i'm kidding. Yet they have no clue how i feel on the inside every day. Like i want to run away and start over. They have no clue. 

[AGrace]

Hi Jess,

Welcome to Beyondblue. Thanks for being brave enough to post your first post. I hope that you'll find the forums a safe space to chat whenever you feel like it.

All of your symptoms are common for someone experiencing both depression and anxiety. 

Your antidepressants should have kicked in by now. If they're just leaving you feeling empty, then talk to your Dr to have the dosage reviewed. Antidepressants can make us feel worse before better, but it's helpful to share all of your experiences with them with your treatment team.

I commend you for continuing to work, this is a really great way to keep routine in your life, as much as some days may be a struggle.

There is a thread that Stitch has started called finding joy when times are dark. It's full off suggestions of little things you can do to help you feel better when even just doing one thing seems like an arduous task. I also started a thread called finding motivation which you might also find useful. (enter these headings into the search function)

I can understand your friends' reaction to you being on medication, especially if you don't share your darkest moments with them. Have you got a really close friend who you could share how you really feel with?

The weight changes could be as a result of medication or eating habits changing depending on your mood. Some people find they lose their appetite when they feel low. Others binge eat to help them feel better.

The best course of action is just to tackle one thing at a time. Often when you deal with one thing it can have a ripple effect. You'll want to start with small steps. Maybe the first goal is to get yourself out of bed each day, no matter how bad you feel. Perhaps chose something you could reward yourself with if you are able to get out of bed every day for 1 week. Then another reward if you are able to get out of bed for 2 weeks. 

Perhaps the next goal can be to get some exercise each day. It might be to walk to the end of the St every day for one week, and then gradually increase the distance.

Once you have started exercising, you'll find this has an impact on your weight. Perhaps the next goal can be to focus on eating 3 healthy meals each day.

Don't worry about anything else except the one goal that you have for that week. So you might get out of bed, but can't have a shower, that's ok. Your goal is to get out of bed.

Maybe write down some goals for yourself. I hope this helps. Happy to keep chatting.

AGrace

[Jess2311]

Hi Agrace,

Thank you so much for your response. It actually made my day knowing that somebody took the time to read something i posted. 

Today was a bad day. After checking your reply (which was right after i got out of bed), i went and had a shower and was preparing to start the day. I just broke down in tears in the shower, then came out and sat in my bathroom crying. I called my brother, who didn't really know what to do, but i said to him i just didn't want to be alone (he's 21, but quite mature for his age), and he said for me to calm down and just chill out before i drive anywhere, and then said we could go for a walk together when i got to his place. Went for a walk with him, but i was absolutely dreading going home because i was scared of breaking down again. Went and visited my dad. 

In response to your question, do i have a close friend to talk to? Well, i live with my best friend. However, lately i feel like all i do is annoy her. She said she feels like she's walking on eggshells around me worrying that anything she says will upset me. I hate that she feels like that but lately  her distance has been getting me even more down. I try to leave her be, but then i feel like i'm isolating myself and it all comes back to me, i feel like i'm the cause of the issue, i'm the reason she's quiet. I feel like i'm a failure in that way to her. I've tried talking to my mum, and she gets mad that i'm going through this because she hates that it makes her life harder, she hates that she has to worry about me and that i'm going to "off myself". She then makes me feel guilty like i'm causing her problems, and i then feel like a burden. I know she cares, but she actually makes it worse. I have issues with my mum going back to my childhood years, a lot of which i discuss with my therapist. My brother is great but doesn't get a lot of the issues and just sort of tries to make up for talking with doing fun things together. Which does help depending on the mood i'm in. Other than that, my "friends" just don't get it. They don't understand. It leaves me feeling alone and that i'm not normal and sometimes i wish i could just remove people from my life and start fresh. or just remain alone - sometimes i feel that would be easiest on other people, and me. 

Today just wasn't good. I'm worried my current dosage isn't enough, but he already upped it once and that's where i am now. I'm so scared to go to work tomorrow…i'm scared i'm still going to be this emotional.

[white knight]

Hi Jess2311,  also welcome here. Glad you wrote in.

Agree with Amber that your meds should have kicked in by now.  A few weeks should be long enough but we are such individuals that we all would have different doses.

I'd like you to be patient. Have a read of my post in Recovery about 'light at the end of the tunnel' please. Our journeys through mental illness can be a long one...or a short one depending on so many factors that meds are just one part of.

In fact I would like all new posters here to read many threads here to educate themselves on what others deal with, recover from and learn how to cope.

There is much hope for you even though you dont feel so. Take care.