My boyfriend broke up with me because of his depression

[teenagedirtbag]

To set the background to this story i have anxiety disorder and my boyfriend (ex) has depression. Basically my boyfriend has been ignoring me for a week now and hasn't been going to school or talking to any of his friends and our first conversation was him breaking up with me over the phone saying "It's not you its me, i need to focus on myself" when our relationship revolved around him but he hasn't been the same i've had him ignore me before but he would tell me "i need space" and i would wait until he was ready to talk. We had a party on the day we broke up and i had to get everyone at the party to persuade him to talk to me because before then he would run from me and even when we were talking i would have to chase him but i would try to talk to him and he would scream "leave me alone" but i know that he needs someone to vent to and i am so worried about him. I would reach to comfort him and he will grab my wrists, push me away, scream "don't touch me" and then start crying. It kills me to see him like this but i know he let his depression take over and my friends have told me that his depression broke up with me it wasn't him. He's not being himself, he's never been like this and i know he will regret breaking up with me because he's not himself but i'm so scared he's going to hurt himself because my anxiety makes me think of the worst outcome and he probably isn't going to turn up to school tomorrow and he isn't talking to me but i need to be there for him no matter how much he pushes me away because he's not liked by 98% of the grade because he tries too hard to be liked and can be mean. It is only me and his best friend that can help him. I think his depression made him break up with me and i want to give us another chance but i'm worried about him, i've never seen him this scary and upset. He was ready to punch me but instead he would go and punch a pole which would be dangerously close to me but i always put my feelings last, i want to make sure he's ok but i think i was too persistent in talking to him i don't know when he will come to school. So what can i do to help him? and is it true that his depression broke up with me and not him because he was happy and talking about how we were going to live together the night before he started ignoring me. So is it true? (i'm only 16 btw and he's 15)

[PatT]

Hey,

from what you've said it sounds like he needs to start dealing with his own problems before he looks at the relationship between you guys. It's very hard for somebody to start sorting out their issues (whether that's depression, anxiety etc.) when they have to worry about maintaining a relationship, especially at your age.

I think you are still grieving over the way the relationship has gone recently and it doesn't sound like he will change his mind. If you are really worried about his mental state then all you can do is speak to either his friend, his parents or maybe the school counsellor. You can also use the avenues listed below - the Beyondblue number, chatrooms or emails.

But in regards to keeping the relationship going - it might not be guaranteed. You should give him space if he asks for it and not force yourself on him. Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear but unfortunately some relationships it is mental illness that breaks people apart and I can speak from experience.

All the best,

Pat.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Teenagedirtbag,

Once again I have to echo PatT here 🙂 

I'm sorry that this has happened, and it really sounds like you want to be there for this guy - but it also sounds like he's showing you that he needs space.  I know from experience that it can be the hardest thing in the world to have depression and a relationship at the same time.  It's such a balance of giving and sharing but then with depression we can get so caught up in our own thoughts it makes it hard. 

I do think that it would be best to try and let it go for a while.  Even if he does regret breaking up with you (which he probably will because you're a cool person), sometimes it can be good for people to be in their own space so they can have time to think things over and reach out to professionals to talk to.

The best thing you can do to help him is help yourself; make sure that you feel okay because it can be really draining - and make sure that you find time for things that lift you up.  You can still be there for him if you like, and maybe see how that turns out in the future.

Good luck,

[morgs29]

Hey Teenagedirtbag,

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Being someone experiencing a mental illness and then also being with someone who also has one can be really tough. I speak from experience. I myself have suffered with depression and anxiety for over 10 years and my partner does too. When you ask, "was it the illness that broke up with me?" - maybe it was and maybe it wasn't. But, I think what's most important right now is that you respect his need for space and focus on you. You're both going through an extremely difficult time and you may both need to take some breathing room to learn more about yourselves.

If you are really worried about him, I echo Pat T's suggestion above of reaching out to his friend, his family or the school counsellor. You are not responsible for how he is dealing with his depression, but of course, that doesn't stop you from feeling worried about him. There are also some great resources on the beyondblue website about dealing with anxiety & depression, including the online chat room and phone number if you need to speak with someone.

It's a tricky situation, but please don't forget to look after yourself first. 

Take care,

Morgan