Loneliness/Having No Friends/Not Fitting In

[GirlWithBigDreams]

Hello everyone,

I recently changed schools and pretty much everyone in my class are a huge friendship group that constantly go out together and ignore me/leave me out of everything and it's really made me question my worth/capabilities of making friends. At the beginning of the year people were throwing parties with older teens, drinking and that really scared me because I didn't know anyone well enough, and then basically I got left out forever for not going to the party, I am completely disconnected. The lockdown made it so much worse because I cannot keep in contact online with them because "I'm not close with them" and they have seperate group chats. It feels terrible because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me (or I question my worth/talent/capabilities) for being left out all the time because I'm supposed to identify with my class/people my age and that class is basically sorta my whole world/life right now, and yet I'm not apart of it. I'm confident and friendly basically anywhere outside of school, I am not shy and do public-speaking related things constantly, whilst when I go to school or see the student's social medias, I feel completely subdued and unwell all the time. I've spoken to my teachers many times but it's still the same, and I am just so exhausted of feeling sad/unworthy everyday at school. They are such a big group of friends, they see (or don't even care to see) that I'm struggling that I'm left out and I make the effort to connect myself with them, but NO ONE cares. Apparently I don't talk too much/brag & appear scary because I'm scared to open up to others because I'm afraid I'll get criticised/judged or laughed at, and most worse, ignored. I'm serious all the time and when I'm not, I'm "too happy" and people seem to see me as quirky/weird, everyone talks over me or doesn't bother to listen to what I have to say or let me in on a joke when talking. I really do feel like a loser because everyone has made plans/parties/sleepovers basically throughout the entire holidays and puts it on media everyday, whilst I have kinda no friends after moving schools.. My career depends on the relationships I make with people, and this is making me doubt myself very badly; everyone seems to have known each other previously, whilst I haven't. However, I am hopeful that I will meet new people I can be honest with and not force myself to do things I'm not comfortable with in order to fit in.

Please let me know your thoughts/stories 🙂

[sunnyl20]

Hey,

Welcome to the forums. I really hope that you are able to find the support you are looking for here.

I am so sorry you are feeling so disconnected, upset and stuck. High school can be exhausting and very cliquey and other students can be pretty awful to each other. Plus changing schools can be difficult at the best of times, I can only imagine that the lockdown/restrictions would have made it even more challenging. It is great that you have felt able (and had the courage!) to reach out to teachers for support, I'm sorry that you feel it hasn't helped.

I don't know if it is any consolation, but please know that you are not alone in what you are going through. Many people struggle with fitting in at high school, feeling like they are constantly judged, bullied, ignored and/or excluded. People can be really horrible to each other for all sorts of reasons. It is also important to remember that sometimes things are not always as they seem from the outside - people may look like they are "in" the group, but internally may feel frightened, intimidated, powerless or anxious (but just be very good at hiding it or projecting it onto others and hurting them in the process). Peer pressure is another problem which can dissuade people from breaking from the group and inviting someone new in. Please don't feel that your career depends on the friendships you make with people in high school though. There are so many other opportunities to meet people, I know it feels so important right now and hard to see, but please know that what you do once you've finished school and how you achieve that is not dependent on who you make friends with. It can feel so lonely when everyone is already in groups and knows each other from before, it can be depressing and make you feel like an outlier. But as you have mentioned, you can meet new people and you don't have to do things you're not comfortable with in order to fit in. Focus on what you enjoy maybe join a debating team or find a group outside of school that interests you, give yourself the time and the space to adjust to the changes that are happening and seek support if you need to. There are some great resources available on https://au.reachout.com/ for young people that I would encourage you to have a look at if you are open to it.

Please do not hesitate to reach out again, we are here for you. Take care.

[Lucas-L]

Hi GirlWithBigDreams!

I'm really sorry to hear you feel this way, changing schools is such a challenge. Reiterating what sunnyl20 said, schools can be funny places because of peer pressure and social norms. If people are not making you feel comfortable, it's a reflection on social norms, not on your personality.

What I have learnt from being in tertiary education is that there are amazing people out there for everyone to make friends with. The best thing for me was to stay true to who I am and look for people that I comfortable with and whose company I enjoy. Joining groups like debating, sport, music, etc is a great idea too.

Hope this helps!

[continuousventer]

Hi GirlWithBigDreams

I imagine switching schools is a big change, you don't know anyone and you're definitely eager to make new friends. I think it's hard to make new friends when people have already made their groups. Here's to hoping that they become more open to befriending you. I'm in the same boat as you, I don't really go to drinking events. I never got invited to events with older men. I would never go. It's upsetting to see that is seen as a deal breaker. It sounds like you don't feel like you belong or you feel rejected by your peers. It's not that you're not worthy of being befriended and getting to know - it's just that in time, you will meet your own group of people. Social media isn't everything - no one posts when they're unwell or their worst moments. It's about their happy moments. I can sense you want to feel included, and you definitely do deserve to be included. This experience must hurt though. I also get scared of being judged by others - so I don't share my life with them. I've been described as too cheery too. I just wanted to cover my depression.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to belong. It's just that we have no control over who we surround ourselves with. It sounds like maybe you're doubting your own skills of befriending other people. I used to go to this school and have friends that I didn't really deeply connect with. Then I went to another school, where my friends invited me to the shops, let me stay over their house and included me in their gatherings.

That's the thing, we never really know who we will meet in the future. Of course, my life is different to yours, but I am hoping that you get to feel included like I did

You should never have to force yourself to do things that make you feel uncomfortable to fit in. 🙂 Hope this helps