It's my birthday today and Im having an emotional breakdown

Ardenrose · ‎10-02-2020

Hi all, so as the title says– its my 24th birthday today and here I am feeling extremely depressed, have been crying since last night.. I have been going through alot for the past month ( post abortion depression, family problems and relationship ) and in all honesty, I feel so emotionally burnt out. Im sick of people and how im being treated. My family being so passive aggressive towards me hurts me so much and i try my hardest to ignore it. Im starting to hate them because I know deep down they are one of the main reason why I chose to terminate my pregnancy even though I didn't want to.. My current boyfriend who (somehow) cares constantly makes me feel so alone. I dont understand anymore. Ive been feeling depressed and miserable for the past 6 years and to be very honest all I want is to disappear. I keep praying to God that my life should be given to somehow who deserves MORE to live than me who's always constantly miserable. Im tired of being me. Im tired of my BPD. Having the constant uncontrollable anxiety and fear of being abandoned and neglected. Im tired of living.. Every day reminds me of how much life sucks for me. And today is such a reminder of how alone I am. How people dont really care because they have their own lives to think about.
I feel shit for feeling so desperate to be happy on this day. Now here I am in my bedroom crying, could barely breathe and feeling so hopeless about everything.

Deckt · ‎10-02-2020

Happy birthday, Ardenrose. 🙂 I don't know about you, but I'm often depressed on my birthdays. Though, to be fair, I've had a couple more than you.

I'm sorry that you are in pain. Just remember - you are not your illness, any more than you having a broken leg would mean that you are a broken person. It's just a thing. A thing is a thing, not what is said about that thing. BPD sufferers tend to be sensitive - this is not bad. I get sensitive teeth sometimes - that's an easy fix, I just use sensitive toothpaste, and maybe avoid hot and cold foods for a while. Can you try to avoid the things that you are sensitive to? This can be situations, but can also be certain people.

I don't know you, but I promise you - I care. You are a person. You are a living, breathing human being. That means that you are worthy of compassion and kindness, at the very least. I'd bet that you are worth a whole lot more than that too.

Today is just a day. I think I get depressed on my birthday as I want it to be more than it is. But it's just a day. Tomorrow is a new day. They do get better.

Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing.

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎10-02-2020

hi there. i want to wish you happy birthday too 🙂

I think sometimes significant days make us focus on our lives and selves a bit more, and if we're not where we want to be, that can bring us down. I hope though, that being here in this community makes you feel less alone? You're here amongst many like-minded people.

I wonder if there's anything more that you'd like to share about your story? Are you getting some professional help? If so, how are you finding that? Is there a lack of support from your family? Do they know you are struggling? What is it about your relationship with your partner that makes you feel alone? If you want to chat, I'm happy to listen. If not, that's ok too.

As Deckt says, there are people that care. And I'm sorry that things are yukky at the moment, especially today. Do you like hugs? If so, I'm sending you a virtual hug. Hope to hear from you.

Katy

Ardenrose · ‎12-02-2020

Hi Katy,

Thank you for your response. That was really sweet of you. -To answer you, no im not getting any professional help at the moment. I was at one point but I do see my gp every now and then though I haven't seen her since after the recent termination of pregnancy that I had. In regards to my family, they are aware of my mental health issues at one point but I feel like they think it was just a phase. They dont understand the extent of it.

My partner on the other hand is caring at times however he has his moments where he's struggling to understand me it makes me feel sh*t because I feel like I am responsible with my own feelings and emotions but at the same time, im recovering from alot of traumatic events that I went through both last year and beginning of this year.. Its tiring. Most days, I am very very exhausted and drained.

Ardenrose · ‎12-02-2020

Hi Deckt,

Thank you for your response. Yes, I try to remind myself that I am not my illness but lately I feel as though it has overpowered me and I honestly don't know why. Most days, I'm either upset, distressed (crying) or just numb. My anxiety has gotten worse too. I was supposed to have my first shift today and god I cancelled it due to my anxiety. I tried things to overcome it but none worked. Im anxious all the time that something bad is going to happen. I dont trust myself with the thing I know I am somehow capable of. it sucks i wish it was never like this

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎12-02-2020

Hiya

Good to see you checking back in again.

This is somewhat of a sensitive topic for me, given that I recently lost a baby. But I'll mention it as it might be appropriate here. I'm not sure how long ago your termination was, but I experienced fluctuating hormones post pregnancy, that really knocked my mental health around. I went for a check in with my doctor, who explained that it can take a while to get back on an even keel. I'm not sure if that's relevant to you or not, but perhaps something to consider. Either way it sounds like a check in with your gp might be appropriate if you feel up to it. They could also give you a referral to see a psychologist if you wanted to give that another go. It sounds like you've gone through a lot, and someone to listen and help you cope with/makes sense of/deal with things might just be what you need to move forward.

And go gentle on yourself. Sometimes we win, sometimes anxiety wins. It sounds like you had a good go at getting to work, but today it just wasn't meant to be. That's ok.

My kindest thoughts, Katy x