i wish i was a child again
ugh, where do i start? i just really wish that i was a child again. i never really appreciated it when i actually was that age, but now i look back and i think, 'wow, my life was so much better back then.' i wasn't struggling with my gender identity, i didn't have to worry about my body developing (and the fact that i hated it), i wasn't put under ridiculous amounts of pressure to do assignments and work hard all the time...i had it good.
but it's not just those big things that make me want my old life back. it's the little things too. it's the fact that people stop squealing and calling you 'cute' after a certain age, and that you're expected to watch some sort of weird teen drama series instead of winnie-the-pooh (yes, i still watch it lol), and that you're never going to get those cute little kids' activity packs at the airport anymore. it's the fact that never again am i going to get smiley faces drawn in ketchup on my dinner plate, or be read a bedtime story at night, or be able to play children's games at lunchtime (without being judged) instead of just mooching around talking to my friends. no, instead i'm expected to study, study, study, and when i'm not doing that, i should be scrolling through instagram looking at all these cool new dresses and makeup kits and whatnot.
i guess you could call this all very bittersweet. i was looking at the DVDS i used to watch when i was 6 years old and i just cried. i remembered watching all the same scenes as a child, and felt strangely happy - but also so sad that i'd never get back to that time when life was simple and i had nothing to worry about.
and the worst part is, it's not going to get better from here; i still have years of school left. life was so much better back then.
welcome Sky Smith to the forum.
I like the title of your thread.
I can understand how your childhood looks carefree compared with the things you are struggling with now: your gender identity and how your body is developing, as well as the pressure to study and do assignments.
Have you spoken to anyone about your gender identity or is this something you are struggling with alone?
Some people like you look back on their childhood and remember what a happy carefree time it was.
Nostalgia can make the past look so enticing and like you only remember the good times.
It may not seem at the moment things wont get better but things will change. There are people about 20 years older than you who look back at their school years as being fun and easy as they struggle with work and family.
Thanks for sharing this story and I am sure people will relate to this.
By answering your post, it will be put near the top of the thread so more people will see it.
Hi sky smith
I completely relate to how you feel. I have realised recently that I'm never going to be able to do all those things anymore without being judged or being looked down upon. I have intense social anxiety and I will never act out of hand in case people judge me, and I regret my whole childhood for not living it too the fullest. I would love to go cartwheel in the grass, throw a tantrum or get someone to actually comfort me without me feeling like they are judging me. I did not even consider these things as privileges as a child because I was too busy trying to act grown up. I have bailed on so many activities since
I completely relate. I have always felt life was better when I was kid. I was actually happy and felt good about myself.
I didn't have to worry about work or University or trying to be someone I could just be carefree
I currently suffer from Depression and severe anxiety I have been for over 6 years. I am on medication and have been getting therapy, but I still feel worthless to all around me. I hate my body and how I look. I actually also suffer from binge eating due to this depression and anxiety.
I was always a bit different growing up, I struggled in social situations.
I struggled to find people who I could relate to or get on with and I still struggle with this even at 21.
It seems easier when your a kid, because before your mind develops the only thing you really had to worry about was choosing what toys to play with or what to have off the kids menu
You are not alone, I understand EXACTLY how you feel and pretty much feel it every day
Hope you doing okay