I'm too tired to care anymore.

[Anon_1234]

To be honest, I just couldn't care less about anything anymore.

I've got 2 assignment due tomorrow, and I don't even care about the repercussions if I don't hand them in. There's just no point, I'm going to live, work, work, work, work and die. There's no happy ending for me and, if i'm being honest, I don't even deserve one anyway. I'm a terrible person, and there's nothing any of you could say to make me change my opinion.

I've ruined my parents marriage and have just made life more miserable, without even trying. My dad is dying cancer, and he can't afford treatment. That is my fault. A couple of weeks before it was diagnosed, I was visiting him, and while we were playing, he slipped and broke his arm. He hasn't been able to work since, and hasn't been able to earn money. If I hadn't played with him, he would have enough money to afford treatment.

I've cried for too long, I think i've got no more tears left. I just don't even care anymore.

I'm too lazy to even think of attempting suicide, and I've got nothing to wake up to. Everyone hates me, and I hate myself too.

I've tried to change my mindset, and even working out, but there's no point if i'm going to die eventually.

The only reason I'm even writing on this is because I promised my old therapist.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Anon#1234

Welcome to the forum and I am so very glad that even when you are feeling so much dislike for yourself, so much weight on your shoulders and so much pain and guilt that you have done one thing, that is so very big and so important and that is honor your promise to your old therapist and write a post here.

It is such a wonderful community and I credit my healing to this place. There is no judgement so you can write and express how you are feeling and be as you say Anon#1234, totally anonymous.

I am not going to try to change your mind about how you feel about yourself, I just want to listen, to be a friend and have you have a safe place that you can come to chat. I was so pleased to hear that you are not considering taking your life, even if laziness is the barrier, I am happy with that. However if anything changes and you do feel unsafe, please use some support services like LifeLine on 13 11 14 or even an ambulance on 000.

Maybe if I share something about me that would help you to see the healing I have done in this space and maybe give you some hope that there are better times ahead, that there are laughs to have and that there are people who care. See in July last year my 19 year old brother took his life, he was a second year Chemical Engineering Student and we thought a young man with everything going his way, he got 3 scholarships and had many friends. We are a loving family and the news that he had taken his life rocked us to the core. We had no idea of the internal struggles he battled everyday. Being here allowed me to receive support from others who have experienced suicide as well as those who have attempted it and failed. These people have shared their grief with me and given me hope, given me insight that mostly people who take their lives dont want to die, they want the pain to stop. I have learnt about anxiety and depression and how it plays tricks with your mind and your feelings. That it is not truths and should not be believed. That there can be a happy life after anxiety and depression and attempts on your life, that with help there are better days ahead.

Can I also say that your parents marriage is actually between them, that you are not responsible in anyway for it's ending? Their marriage and the problems that went with it is actually between the two of them and sure, external influences can impact this but at the end of the day the marriage is theirs.

I hope to chat to you some more.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

[Tay100]

Hi Anon#1234,

Firstly, just wanted to say it's great to see you accessing spaces like this in times of need, that's a great first step. I hear where you are coming from. I agree with what Aaronsis has said- if I may add some things that could be of help, I'd say:

In times of desolation, guilt, self-hatred and inertia, it is important to be self-compassionate in any way you can. I'm not talking about changing your mindset or trying to forgive yourself, not if you can't even conceptualise what that might look like for you just yet. I'm talking about self-care and survival- there doesn't have to be a point or anything to work towards yet if you don't want too. Just try drinking a glass of water. Running a brush through your hair. Maybe it's just trying to stay awake for more than 2 hours at a time without falling asleep. These small things together will help with self-preservation and allow you to take your journey wherever you want to go, whether that's just going through the motions because that's what manageable right now, or slowly healing and focusing on the challenges ahead when, and only when you are ready.

Hope this lets you know that it's okay not to feel okay with being deeply unhappy or unmotivated, but not be ready to deal with those feelings all the while.

Here to chat if you like

[MacJS]

I know the feeling of having a parent suffer from cancer, my mum has suffered from 2 different types of cancer but has survived both. I'm very grateful, and I hope your dad gets better. You shouldn't blame yourself for things you can't control, like your parents' marriage.

You do deserve a happy life and a happy ending, even if you don't think so. If you're trying to change your mindset into positivity, take baby steps because you aren't gonna go to bed sad and wake up happy and optimistic. Maybe you can start by looking in the mirror, smile, say something positive like "I love myself" or "You look amazing today". Appreciate the little things you did today 🙂

[Tay100]

Hi Anon#1234

Just wanted to check on how you were travelling? Feel free to talk to us if you feel like that's something you want to do, no pressure at all. I think Aaronsis and MacJS have some solid words of advice as well- we are here if you need.

Sending kindness,

Tay100

[Anon_1234]

Hey there, everyone.

I wasn't going to reply to this thread, I thought I was fine, but today, I really wanted to kill myself. We were doing an experiment in school, and I had a specific and intense thought to suicide. Classmates even said I looked like I was contemplating suicide.

What do I do?

[Aaronsis]

Welcome back Anon#1234

It is so great that you have come here to chat, that is the first wonderful thing to do.

The next thing to do is to make sure you are safe, if you feel like you are not safe please call 000 and have an ambulance come to support you at this time. You can also present to the Emergency department and the hospital if that helps too.

I am wondering if you have a parent or a friend that can be with you at this time to even just sit with you? I understand that your dad is not well at the moment but I am sure that does not change the love and care he has for you. Are you able to chat to him and tell him how you are feeling?

I am so proud you have reached out to let us know how you are feeling, I am just so sorry you are feeling this bad. As mentioned before there is also Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 if you need to get some support from them too, they are truly wonderful.

What happened today in class when you were doing the experiment? Can you put a finger on what may have triggered you? Only if you want to share that is.

Hope to chat some more to you Anon#1234, you matter so very very much and we care about you.

hugs

Sarah

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anon#1234, 
We're so sorry to hear about this overwhelming urge to suicide today, it really sounds like you've struggling at the moment. Even with these thoughts and feelings, we're glad to see that you've reached out for support. 

We would really encourage you to speak with someone about this in more detail, whether it is someone you trust in your life (such as a teacher or school counsellor) or one of the many counsellor at Beyond Blue (1300 224 636), Life Line (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) or Kids Helpline (1800 551 800). 

We have also sent you a private email to offer you additional support during this difficult time. 

 

[Anon_1234]

My dad's gotten better, he managed to beat it, so this isn't about him.

I don't particularly know what caused it, but people who have bullied me in the past keep talking to me in a nice way, and I just don't know why, cause I know they hate me. It made me scared that they're trying to humiliate me, so maybe I was considering it out of fear.

[Tay100]

Hi Anon#1234

I'm sorry to hear you are you in a tough headspace and the realisation you had about fear is very understandable. I'm happy to hear your Dad is doing better though. Are you feeling safer now? Have you been able to reach out to any of the services Sophie_M suggested? If you need help navigating the services let us know.

Tay100