I'm a loser and I don't know how to change.

[happycarrot]

Hi all, I'm pretty new here and this is my first post so its lovely to meet you 🙂
sorry for such a self-flagellating title just trying to be honest.

I'm a 20 year old University student studying music.

I find myself really unhappy with myself. This became super obvious when my father sat me down and made me aware of all the things that I was letting fly under the radar. namely, how overweight I am, how I don't have a real job, I run an unsuccessful business, I don't manage my time well, don't really have any friends. all these things. (also no one knows this but me but I'm a compulsive liar)

also It might be a separate problem but in my head at least its much of the same, but allot of people tell me I'm a horrible person (my ex's friends and stuff) I try really hard not to be horrid, but its kind of a situation of "if everyone else seems crazy then you're the crazy one" sort of thing. so I accept that maybe I'm a bad person but I find it hard to pin down the reasons why and harder again to change them.

I find myself incapacitated by disappointment in myself these last few weeks. unable to get myself out of bed or do anything, consumed by self hatred. so I thought i'd ask the advice of you guys, maybe there's someone who's gone through a profound change?

How do I change? How do I become someone I can be happy with? How do I put up with myself in the meantime?
Some of these changes seem nigh impossible and there's so many of them, its very disheartening

I don't know if I can put up with myself for much longer
(sorry again for being so melodramatic)
thanks for any advice 🙂

[white knight]

Hi HC, welcome

I'm 62yo. When I look back at when I was 20yo (in the RAAF) I was a carbon copy of you. So lets start at the start.

Having faults like overweight, a liar, no friends...is not good but is it your fault? It is only your fault if you make zero effort to make change!

Fault, is not something you should, at a young age, place upon yourself. nor is it wise to self analyze too much because it isn't productive. Upbringing, environment, etc all things have resulted in the way you are. No point beating yourself up.

Knowing your faults. you are well on the way on your journey where others never face their faults or don't have the capacity to do so.

Capacity to change. I'm 140kg. I've dieted all my life. So when do I stop? Well the answer is not to stop but not to think we can fool ourselves into dieting will solve the problem. Acceptance that we will always be large is the first step and that personality means everything. Replacing bad food with good food is the second step when the opportunity arises. Light exercise is a positive introduction to your life. That's all, no wasting $$$ on dieting scams and allowing yourself to feel guilty. The BMI might be pushed by Dr's...when they tell me my BMI is out I tell them it isn't, if I lie down! Laugh it off, make some effort and get on with living.

Over analyzing applies to friends also. Your craziness comment is a reflection of this. Many people that mention lack of friends on this forum do so because they haven't given themselves opportunity to meet others. This can be done with light sports table tennis, volleyball, badminton etc, seeking a passion like flying model planes, parachuting, ballooning, cars, camping. Try things.

Your dad has tried and I respect him for that. Getting a paying job is a positive move. Having had numerous schemes, dreams etc of owning my own business, he has a point and such small businesses must be grown with a solid full time income base and the business development after hours. The ramifications are there if your business doesn't make minimum $60,000 per annum. You priorities must be seen clearly.

Setting goals. You have recognized you lie about things. This can change with self discipline. This will take time. In life there are short, medium and long term changes...and lying is a long term change.

You are what you make yourself. The rewards are enormous But feeling guilty wont help. Google

topic: guilt the tormentor- beyondblue

topic: action not only words- beyondblue

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi Happycarrot

Wow! What a post. Everything you said about yourself may very well be true but it's not the whole story ...

You sought to go to university, so you have desire and motivation to improve yourself and learn. You got into university, so I suspect you are musically talented and smart. If you play a musical instrument you must have determination, commitment and discipline to practise your craft. I bet you've performed many times and brought joy to people's lives. If you're writing music you likely have a well of creativity within you.

You see where I'm going with this? You are not a loser. You are human and flawed like all the rest of us.

The good news, as White Knight, points out is that you can change the things you don't like about yourself. I believe you need to really look inside yourself. Start by learning from your mistakes.

If you believe that you have wronged people in the past and that you may be a "bad person" practice kindness. If you want good friends, start by being a good friend to someone. If you want your father's respect, earn it--one step at a time.

You are not a loser and you can work to become a better person. One step at a time. Build on your successes and celebrate your achievements along the way. Post any time and we'll talk some more.

[happycarrot]

thankyou both so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience.

I guess what i'm struggling to figure out is where to start.

since my post I've gotten back to doing things like studying, working on my music and all that. but I really want to improve on everything I mentioned in the post. Like I said it's so much its a little overwhelming

thanks so much for your input it means a lot.

~happycarrot

[Summer Rose]

Hi Happycarrot

Thank you for letting us know how you are getting on. I'm glad life is improving.

I can understand that you feel overwhelmed. I want to suggest that you pick one area to work on as the start of your improvement plan. Just one. Then identify an action item. For example,

Let's say it's losing weight. Your action item might be to start walking daily. Let's say it's being a nicer person. Your action item might be to leave one unkind thing left unsaid each day. Let's say it's improved time management. Your action item might be to start using a diary/calendar and planning ahead.

Pick one. Act. Celebrate your success and move on. Rome wasn't built in a day. Take things one step at a time. You will get where you need to go.

Feel free to post and let us know how it goes