I feel intimidated by meeting new people

[Sharon_S]

Hello everyone!

It is 2am and my brain won't switch off. I'm sure we all know that feeling! I am new to the Forums and am unsure what to write here but I'll give it a go.

I'm an introvert. Always have been. Like a lot of people when I am comfortable around people I will be my happy, easy going self that likes to have a laugh and have fun. I have a fun side...well I think I can be fun anyway.

I have always found it difficult to make new friends and meet new people because of my anxiety ( I was diagnosed with Depression & Anxiety back in 2012), I get intimidated quite easily and feel judged by the people I am meeting- it could be by a facial expression or tone of voice, this is when I go into my shell or seem to say something ridiculous (not be myself) it just never seems natural to meet new people unless they are on the same level as me socially. If they are loud and outgoing, it is easy for me to become intimidated and quiet - sometimes I feel THAT intimidated that I go off to cry because I just do not know what to say or how to react to fit in with them. I feel like I am disliked by a lot of people, just judging by the way I get spoken to sometimes or looked at. I am very sensitive so I am aware it could just be my mind being silly, however it feels like people don't really want to push past that 1st impression to get to know the real me.

I was bullied/put down in school for what seemed like absolutely NO reason whatsoever, I hadn't even spoken to these people before. I was ignored, tormented and called names however, these people would speak to my friends right in front of me. To this day I still ask the question: "why?" and I will never know the answer...not unless I ask these people directly, but even then they probably wouldn't speak to me. All I know is, my mind can't turn this off, I relive these experiences over and over. I don't think I can turn it off until I get an answer as to WHY these people wanted to put me down and make me feel worthless. It's not just the school experiences, it's from all kinds of things. Past and present.

I am almost 25 years old, don't have too many friends or much in common with people these days. I just want to be happy and not give a crap about what people think, I envy people who can do that.

Does anyone else go through similar stuff? Is there a way you can switch off to not think of the things that make you upset or anxious?

Would love to hear about others' experiences and help each other out 🙂

Thanks guys.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sharon

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It seems we are both out of our nice warm beds far too early this morning. Still I have had seven hours sleep so that should be enough.

I am sad for you that you feel so lonely. It's not a nice feeling and it causes great distress at times. Before I go any further I suggest you go to the BB Social Zone. It's the second forum on the list. Go to MBTI Personality Types. Read a few of the posts there then look up the 16 personality types. This is good questionnaire to complete and gives an overview of your personality. Many of the people posting in here find the description of them to be quite accurate.

I am suggesting this as one way of looking at yourself. Your result will give you ideas of where you fit in the big picture of people. It's not the whole picture of you, but it does highlight some of the wheres and whys. I think you may find it useful in working out why you experience some of the more uncomfortable aspects of life. If you try it out please let us know (if you wish) how you went.

I see you were made aware of your depression and anxiety four years ago. Are you receiving any help to manage this? Medication, counselling of some sort, regular visits to your GP, support groups? If not you could consider a having a chat with your GP. Just a thought.

Making new friends is something many of us find hard. While I enjoy chatting with various people I find it hard to move the acquaintanceship to being friends. And lets face it, we do not want to be friends with everyone. You sound like someone who picks up clues and cues from others very quickly which is a mixed blessing. I think you would find some of these people are not good for you to be friends with, and at some level you recognise this. In other cases I suspect you over react to an ordinary conversation or remark. It's hard sorting out the differences.

I am in the same boat. I do find I am put off by some folk and sometimes quite unnerved by others. My personal opinion is that we need to make friends slowly in order to feel safe. Not rushing into a friendship is a protective action as we like to make sure we are going to be comfortable with that person. So when you meet new people be friendly but if you feel upset in any way there are probably alarm bells ringing somewhere inside you. As I was frequently told by a psychologist, listen to your body.

When your body is saying no to something, listen to the message. write in again and chat.

Mary

[Sharon_S]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your reply. It is helpful and comforting to know I am not the only one that finds these things hard.

In answer to your question I am on medication and it has been helpful over the four years, I have tried seeing a Psychologist however I find that I don't get my point across most of the time when I speak about my issues out loud and therefore I don't feel like I get the help I need. This is something I would like to work on though.

I agree with your opinion about making friends slowly to feel safe, and not rushing into a friendship to feel comfortable.

It does take time and I know the few close friends I do have are all very patient and kind so I am lucky to have them. My mum is the same, I suppose I take after her, however she is always just telling me to "get a thicker skin" because I am quite sensitive. Another thing I want to work on.

Anyway Mary I will certainly be coming back on BB to chat and hopefully help others like myself get themselves on track to be happy and healthy.

Thank you so much for your reply.

[White_Rose]

Hello Sharon

Pleased to be of help. I have just started to read a book called Highly Sensitive People in an insensitive world, by Ilse Sand. I cannot remember where I heard of it but I think it would be useful for you to read. I have always had a problem with being called sensitive because it has seemed to mean someone who is too fragile, delicate and similar words. I don't really connect this with me. However this book defines sensitivity differently.

One point is that sensitive people believe they are introverts when really many of them are extroverts. The author references another author as saying 30% of highly sensitive people are socially extroverted. I want to quote so much from this book as it definitely resonates with me. For example "We receive more inputs and think deeply about them". Your mom's comment about getting a thicker skin is a classic. You are thin-skinned as the world sees it but this is your nature. I'm very doubtful about being able to change. We can dye our hair but underneath it is still the colour we were born with. Don't be afraid to be who you are. Read this book, get it from the library, take it to heart and rejoice in who you are.

Once you accept yourself you can learn to manage in this world. Another quote, "Nobody likes being over-stimulated and overwhelmed. If you are a delicate soul, you will reach your limit of what feels like pleasant stimulation a lot faster than other people. You will then need to withdraw when too many things are happening around you". Sound familiar? Something well worthwhile looking at instead of trying to make yourself like everyone else, which I doubt will work.

If you get the book I would love to read your comments. I suspect I will be buying my own copy. Libraries don't like you keeping their books for too long.

I have been told I have this trait by my GP who frequently talks about how easily I get overwhelmed. Now I know why. The psychiatrist I started to see a short while ago told me I was sensitive. It nearly made me throw up because it sounded false. Now I know what she is talking about and I believe she is right. So what we need to learn is to manage ourselves, to say no, or to leave a situation that becomes too much to handle. There's nothing wrong with us at all. We simply react differently and that's who and what we are.

Quick note, if the psych cannot 'get' you, go elsewhere. There are good psychs out there. Tell them you are sensitive. 😊

Go well my dear.

Mary