I don’t know anymore
I don’t particularly trust my friends, but I’m too scared to lose them, because group work at school is hard without friends and I’ve known them for so long. Plus I’m not the greatest with talking to people and making new friends. There are 4 of us in total and I find that in our group there are 2 people who pretty much run the whole thing. Their opinion matters, they can judge, they can say whatever they want and everyone is fine with it. But as soon as soon as I say my opinion or how I feel I get shut down or that I’m “over thinking” or just feel like my opinion and what I say is always judged and belittled. I also feel like I get talked about when I’m not around.
One of the friends has had a long term relationship for a few years, the other 2 and me got boyfriends about 9 months ago. All of their boyfriends are able to go out and do what they want but mine has a strict parent so he can’t do much. this makes doing group things really hard for me because I hate third wheeling them all because that’s how it’s been for so long for me before I got my boyfriend. But I dint want to miss out on plans or group things. I also feel like now with all the boyfriends, I feel like we can’t plan anything without the boyfriends involved, I just feel so lost in my friendship group and like it wouldn’t matter if I was there or not.
I also have struggles in my relationship. I’ve been with him for about 9 months and recently almost broke up. Now I feel awkward because of my trust issues. Now I’m starting to question how I feel in the relationship or even if I love him at all, or if I just love the attention or the thought of him. I just feel like everything’s so difficult and out of control, so it’s hard for me to deal with everything.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Maintaining friendships when your friends and yourself are getting into relationships for the first time can be really tricky. It's important that you make sure you're putting time and effort into your friendships. I know it can be hard but maybe you could talk to your friends and say something like "I really miss hanging out with just us 4 without our boyfriends. Could we maybe do something soon with just us?" It could also be a good idea to seek friendships outside of your current friendship group.
First relationships can be really confusing. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel a certain emotion. Don't force yourself to feel things that aren't there. Try to communicate with your boyfriend and be honest about how you're feeling.
I hope things start settling down soon and you feel like you have more control over things. 🙂